Just saying hello.

MentallyStrong87 · 02-27-2008, 12:13 AM

Well, the name's Chris. I've been having a rough few years, and tonight I ended up researching some info and looking for forums to help me since no one ever seems to listen. Maybe I can find some help and some good friends on here. As least I hope I can.

Anyways, here's a little about me. My parents are still together, they always argue and always drink. It never stops. I used to just drown myself in drugs, not so much alcohol, but the drugs definately took control of my life. When I say drugs I don't mean just marijuana. I won't get too into what I've done though.

So recently I've decided that's not what I want for myself and I can't rely on everything to just end up working out, the whole whatever happens is whats supposed to happen phrase, means nothing to me now. I have quit all drugs and i've been sober for about 10 days now. I've been to the doctor's and er's because I have very high anxiety but have no health insurance so I haven't gone until recently. Now I'm on prescriptions for xanax and zoloft. They seem to be helping but the environment I am in does not help. The yelling, arguing, and everything else makes me feel even worse than I should. I want to move out away from these people that just keep bringing me down. It's been like this for years, and it's unbearable now.

I need to move out, but have nowhere to go, no one to move in with, I have a job but no car to get there if I move. I'm basically stuck here because I depend on "them" for rides to work. If i had a way back and forth to work without their help. I would be gone, and never seen again. It's so bad I could care less if I see any of my family again. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else, But if I stay here it's just going to deteriorate my life and soul.

And maybe I just need some good advice or some counseling. But then again all I hear is it's all in my head, there isn't a problem at home. The anxiety isn't real, the depression isn't real. I really just wanted to vent and if anyone cares, or needs some help and wants someone to just talk to I'm here for anyone who needs me, I just hope that everyone here feels the same way, and everyone can at least attempt to help everyone. I

believe in Karma with everything in my body and soul, and believe that what you put into this world is what you will receive out of it. If you do good, then good will come to you, if you do bad...I think you understand. So please don't think It's impossible to care about someone you don't even know or have never met. I am here for anyone who needs help or advice, regardless or whether anyone plans on being there for me. If I can help just one person then I will at least be able to go on knowing that my life is not a waste. For those of you who spent the time reading this, I hope I didn't waste your time, and I hope that everything ends up well for those of you who are looking for answers and hope.

Sincerely,
Chris.

Duke · 02-27-2008, 12:28 AM

Welcome Chris, it's very great to have you with us!

Before I respond to your post I want you to know, the people here don't pretend to care, they genuinely care about one another so if your looking for a place where what you say is important, you've come to the right place. The best description I can think of in regards to this site is it's very much like an online family.

The other thing I'd like to state is that we only really offer feedback on your situation if you ask for it. It doesn't help most people to have advice crammed down their throats at every turn so we're here to listen, understand and support you first, offer any help we can second, and support you in your decisions throughout the entire process.

Welcome home!

As for your situation, it is not you!!! People don't usually manufacture issues around them, they notice them and react in whatever way either draws them comfort or helps them forget the negativity. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is ensure you don't take any responsibility for whats going on around you, it's not your fault nor is it your imagination.

I am curious though, do you have relatives, friends, etc., that you can move in with? Also, is it imperative you stay with your current employer, can you not find a different job elsewhere?

MentallyStrong87 · 02-27-2008, 12:43 AM

Duke, you're already making me feel welcome, It is not necessary that I stay at my job and in a couple of weeks I plan on putting in a two week, just long enough for my body to detox and be able to pass a drug test, I would lease a car, but unfortunately I have bad credit. but In the area i live jobs are hard to come by, As for family to move in with no, friends yes, but then I'll end up without a vehicle and without a way to job interviews and such, Even though my parents aren't helping it's hard for them to help they're always short on money, and the alcohol controls their lives, I know if there was no addiction my life would not be how it is now. My father has spent thousands of my earned money on gambling and booze, which is another reason I don't have a vehicle, It seems like he always purposely messes up a good thing. And my mother's been dealing with that for years, which is probably what drove her to drink as much as she does, I know she cares, but there is nothing she can really do. Also the area i live in is nice high class people, but within a mile its all slums, and ghettos. The friend I still have are still all dependent on drugs, and I fear if I live with one of them I'll end up falling back into the bad habits I used to do. I want to go to college, which I will end up there by the fall of 08, I am so dedicated to going to college, that there isn't a doubt in my mind that I will be there someday, It's just hard to get financial aid, and since i have bad credit cant get many loans. The area i live in has no jobs, everyone knows everyone, so you cant escape anything, Which is why I want to move away and start a new life out of this area. I understand that everyone here is willing to help everyone, I'm just a very confused and lost person right at the moment.

Duke · 02-27-2008, 12:56 AM

We'll do all we can to help you find your way Crhis, rest assured.

I have another question, do you have any friends or relatives that live out of town, state or even a different country? It sounds to me like the more distance you put between yourself and the issues you face, the better.

TKDLady · 02-27-2008, 11:58 AM

Chris, welcome to Lifesupporters. I am so sorry you are in the situation you are in. I know the feeling of being trapped. There are things in my life I want to change but for financial reasons and for my children I really can't do anything at the moment. You have definitely come to the right place and this is home away from home for many of us, if not all. I wish I could help you find a way out sooner. I will be thinking of things that might be helpful and if I come up with anything, I will let you know. Again welcome to our family.

Vautrin · 02-27-2008, 12:32 PM

Welcome (again) Chris.

That is an awful situation to be in. You can't really depend on your parents, and yet you are dependent on them, to get to work etc.. As you noted the drugs are complicating matters a bit, as they are still in your system. You may not be able to pass the tests at the current moment. But you will get there!

I think you have already taken the first, most important steps. You realise the current situation is not good for you, and want to do something about it. And as easy as it is to write words making it look like these steps are simple, they are anything but.

As Duke suggested, a change of scenery may improve things for you. It is also much harder to resist drugs and other substances when you are in the middle of a bad situation. You would be getting out of the toxic relationship dynamics of your parents, and find a job there.

I personally think sanity is one of the most valuable assets. One which money can't buy. So please look into options to move out.

PepsiChic · 02-27-2008, 03:22 PM

First off, welcome Chris to LS, im sure you've probably realized by now that this is probably one of the friendliest and supportive communities you can possibly find on the internet. Judgment free and full of caring people who will do their utmost best to provide love and support to everyone.

as for the situation your in, i know it extremely well, i too have had problems with drugs, hard and otherwise - ive been clean for a couple of years now.
Ive also lived in a sometimes volatile environment. I moved out of my parents home when i was 15/16 due to the arguments and screaming and shouting getting me down to such an extent i was prescribed Prozac. Due to unpredictable things ive had to move back in with them, and due to many factors that have happened in my life i have been put back on anti-depressants.

Another thing i can relate to is the anxiety medication, im on and off this like a yo-yo. Due to being abused mentally and physically in the past, ive grown a fear of people. Sometimes if im out somewhere i can have a panic attack just because im surrounded by people. Same if someone makes a fast movement near me, or just moves in a way my brain reacts to it as a threat and i panic.
prime example is when i was at the cinema with Fireblade, my fiancee, i dont know what triggered it but i got really scared and panicky, luckily Fb knew what to do and managed to get me to calm down before it got to a bad state.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MentallyStrong87

And maybe I just need some good advice or some counseling. But then again all I hear is it's all in my head, there isn't a problem at home. The anxiety isn't real, the depression isn't real. I really just wanted to vent and if anyone cares, or needs some help and wants someone to just talk to I'm here for anyone who needs me, I just hope that everyone here feels the same way, and everyone can at least attempt to help everyone. I

i get this from my parents ALL the time. Its incredibly disheartening that they refuse to show me any support while i go through such a hard time. I understand exactly how it feels to be told its not real and that its all in your head and you can make it go away if you dont think of it etc etc. if only things were really that easy!

dont feel alone out there with these problems Chris, theres a lot more people like me and you that have these problems, and its together then we can learn and help eachother. Ive found such support here and from other people that know what im going through i hope myself and everyone here can help you too

Kirsty

IvyRose · 02-27-2008, 08:05 PM

Welcome, MS!

I was wondering if there is a public transportation bus system in place where you live? It would probably require quite a bit of walking between bus stops vs. destination, but it may be good to get you to where you are going, for the most part.

There may be some free counseling in your area that is not attached to a Religious Organization, if that would be a problem for you.

Welcome to LS. I look forward to many more posts from you.

Luba · 02-27-2008, 08:29 PM

Chris, my heart goes out to you! I SO understand living with two parents dependent on alcohol, as I was also headed there myself; becoming the Mother of two wonderful children woke me up, thank God!

Chris, please be proud of the fact that you want to change your life for the better! That's HUGE and SO positive! You realize it's going to be hard, but yet you are on the right path for yourself! You also have a job which is getting your through this hard time. From where I sit, these are two HUGE steps you've taken. You don't want to move in with friends who are on drugs, because you know how hard that would be!

I was thinking the same thing IvyRose suggested about public transportation. In this area we get bus passes which are cheaper than paying for each trip; that would be something to check out!

If it's possible at all to save some money that you make, anything for a start to give you hope that you will get where you want to be! As for your parents drinking and fighting, I know from experience what h*ll that is! If there is any way for you to go somewhere else to either be alone, say in a library, or a park, or a coffee place, going for a long, long walk, or a friend's house that wants the best for you, anywhere but heading right home to such dismal circumstances! Just get yourself tired so you don't have to listen to what's going on at home! I don't mean to be disrespectful, but earplugs or earphones might help!

Again, I reiterate how GREAT it is that you are leaving Drugs behind and working! That is SO positive! Just don't lose hope, please, and we are all here for you!

TKDLady · 02-27-2008, 09:15 PM

I couldn't have said it better than Luba just did. You are an amazing person to make such changes in your life and know that it is for the best. Look into the public transportation and any kind of family shelters or halfway houses. A sober and clean friend would probably be your best bet however.

MentallyStrong87 · 02-29-2008, 01:32 AM

Well thanks for all of the support from everyone. I just feel like I can never move out only because of the circumstances, if I leave do they get better or worse? I don't know, and I can't count on it to be better here either, I worry about my younger sister, not just myself, and I can't leave her behind to deal with this, I'm much stronger than the rest of my family, and can deal with it to an extent, but much more could be the last string. Ya know?

But I understand I need to do what's best for me you can't always help everyone around you, sometimes you have to help yourself before everyone else. And I'm the type of person who puts everything else before myself. But again, thanks for the help, public transportation is a great idea, but again, it will take some time to find a place to live, and I don't want to be in a shelter in this area, they are infested with drugs and such, which is not much better than the scene I am in now.

A friend of mine and I were talking about getting an apartment, but can I trust him to pay the rent always? It's questions like this that worry me. I can't depend on anyone else, and it leaves me alone and worried. Maybe I'm just over-worried, and worry about too many things that I have no control over. But that's just the nature of my personality. I feel like i have to help people, and worry about people I can't help.

Like for instance; a friend of mine has this girlfriend who is attractive, and has a great personality. And we get along great but he is very controlling and has basically drawn her away from her family and friends. So she basically is stuck with him, for fear of no where to go. We get along great and sometimes I wonder if she had the chance, would she take it? But I don't want to be in the middle of it, so I just try to talk to her and understand her situation and just be there for her. She deserves so much better, and there is nothing I can do. At least not at this moment in time. Sometimes it feels like only my dog understands me. Lol.

But to reiterate the earlier, thank you for all of the support, sometimes it helps just to know people do care and listen, when those immediately around you do not.

Vautrin · 02-29-2008, 04:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MentallyStrong87

Well thanks for all of the support from everyone. I just feel like I can never move out only because of the circumstances, if I leave do they get better or worse? I don't know, and I can't count on it to be better here either, I worry about my younger sister, not just myself, and I can't leave her behind to deal with this, I'm much stronger than the rest of my family, and can deal with it to an extent, but much more could be the last string. Ya know?

That complicates matters indeed. How old is your sister? How well do you get along with her, and can you openly talk to her about the situation at home?

Quote:

But I understand I need to do what's best for me you can't always help everyone around you, sometimes you have to help yourself before everyone else. And I'm the type of person who puts everything else before myself. But again, thanks for the help, public transportation is a great idea, but again, it will take some time to find a place to live, and I don't want to be in a shelter in this area, they are infested with drugs and such, which is not much better than the scene I am in now.

That is a sad state of affairs in the shelter. Just spend some time looking for a place. It does not have to be the greatest, but as long as it fulfills your most important needs that qualifies.

Quote:

A friend of mine and I were talking about getting an apartment, but can I trust him to pay the rent always? It's questions like this that worry me. I can't depend on anyone else, and it leaves me alone and worried. Maybe I'm just over-worried, and worry about too many things that I have no control over. But that's just the nature of my personality. I feel like i have to help people, and worry about people I can't help.

You can judge his reliability by his behavior. Does he borrow money, and then forget to pay back? Does he spend money the minute he has it? If you have scheduled a meet-up, will he be there at the right time, or phone in advance that he won't be able to make it? Or does he simply not show up?

Perhaps you do worry too much, but I think it is partly caused by the situation you are in.

Quote:

Like for instance; a friend of mine has this girlfriend who is attractive, and has a great personality. And we get along great but he is very controlling and has basically drawn her away from her family and friends. So she basically is stuck with him, for fear of no where to go. We get along great and sometimes I wonder if she had the chance, would she take it? But I don't want to be in the middle of it, so I just try to talk to her and understand her situation and just be there for her. She deserves so much better, and there is nothing I can do.

Sadly you are right about that.

Quote:

But to reiterate the earlier, thank you for all of the support, sometimes it helps just to know people do care and listen, when those immediately around you do not.

You are more than welcome here MS.