Falling short of my goal.

[Duke]

Before I get into my story I'd like to state a few things now for the record. If you take away nothing else from this post/story/lesson take away this, you are all very important to Lifesupporters.com. Not one of you is responsible for the following; it is my burden to bear and my burden alone.

I do not wish to share this burden nor do I wish for anyone reading the following to come away with anything other than insight into the thought process of this websites creator and the vision behind it. Maybe I'm sharing too much, maybe I'm not saying enough; I don't know. All I know is that this place was originally created to bear ones soul and face tough issues affecting their lives. This is my issue, these are my reasons, this is me using the site to deal with my issues.

I want you all to remember that I am human and being a webmaster does not make me anything other. I too have issues that need to be addressed from time to time and right now the direction or more accurately, misdirection of Lifesupporters.com is one of them.

Quick Navigation: If you do not want to read through this novella (I don't blame you), you can simply click on the following topics to see the portion that interests you.

1. Preamble
2. Backstory/About Me
3. The Idea
4. The Reason
5. The Goal
6. The Ride
7. Statistics
8. Our Current Audience
9. Cost
10. Acknowledgments
11. Conclusion
    

[Duke]

Preamble:

I'm not really sure where to post this but I do need to share these thoughts because quite honestly, my mind has been racing for months now and I'm trying to come to terms with why. It's funny but now that I've started typing even these few words my heart is nearly in my throat and I'm unsure of whether or not that's actually a good thing.

In the interests of length I'm really only going to share what I believe links my current frame of mind with Lifesupporters.com. Believe me that you don't want it all because as difficult as it may be to believe, there is more to the story but it's not something I'm ready to share at this juncture so my apologies. Rest assured my health is fine, I'm not being sued nor am I bankrupt and I have not endured any great family tragedy, all I'm doing is trying to come to terms with certain large aspects of my life and maybe gain some answers through sharing.

Lastly, I'm really not looking for a pat on the back or anything from anyone here; I do not need smoke blown up my @ss so please don't do me the disservice of answering in this manner. What I really need is honest and insightful response to what follows and it would be great if you could detach yourself as my friends, family, etc., think of me as a patient.

I'd be remiss if I didn't reiterate that nobody here is responsible for how I feel so please, please, please, DO NOT take anything mentioned here at a personal level because this is not targeted at anyone or any one action.

The only real topic here or at least, the only topic I wish to discuss here is Lifesupporters.com and what the hell to do with it because as far as this writing is concerned, it is the eye of my storm and one of many hearts that pumps blood directly into my angst.

[Duke]

Backstory/About Me:

Some of you may know the following, some of you may not; either way it's at the core of who I am as a person so I felt compelled to add it here. I will state that this is a very important part of the bigger picture for me because if Lifesupporters.com fails me I'm not naive enough to think it doesn't fail others.

I suffered quite heavily through depression in my 20's and it led me on a journey that would eventually make me ponder the question, "who am I?" At the time I was surprised to be such a burden not only on those around me but a burden to myself. I felt at the time that I was pretty much a happy person or so I thought until I actually sat down and started analyzing my life. I've recently come to terms with the fact that depression wasn't just limited to my 20’s; depression has shaped much my life. I'm finally getting some insight into the stages I've been through throughout my life and for the first time in my close to 40 years things are starting to gel and make sense.

I've managed to hide this fact from virtually everyone via a wardrobe of masks I've created but the real issue is as good as these masks are, there not fooling me one bit anymore. As odd as it may sound, it's great finally coming to terms with something like this because it really helps me understand who I was, who I am and may even give me some insight into who I'm becoming.

I don't really think it’s necessary to dictate my life back to anyone here because its really a moot point that does not help drive this story forward. The only assurances I can give anyone here that I'm on the up and up is that I've been diagnosed as someone who suffers from depression in the past but chose to ignore it as I didn't think it a fitting diagnosis.

The benefit of hindsight and some probing inner questions has finally added some validity to that doctor’s assessment.

Now I just want to state this is an issue that I'm confronting and learning from and is not the focal point of this topic. I'm very thankful that you've taken the time to read this but its only purpose is back-story, not the plot.

...of course the above is a good segue into the what follows.

[Duke]

The Idea:

One of the most depressing periods of my life happened to coincide with my registration at a certain gaming community where I met a number of you; Weiser, NoTargeT, Wapwap, Mondo, GamerGal, Fireblade, etc. (I apologize to anyone I missed). At this time I was dealing with major changes in my child's visitation schedule (twice/month) as well as dealing with a recurring dependency on alcohol, drugs and women.

This gaming community embraced me and I'm thankful for the many great folks I met through it as well as the great folks I continue to keep in touch with (I've never said it out loud to you fellow gamers but THANK YOU!). This community was really my first experience in an online forum and it was truly great but at the same time, there were things that I found I didn't like about "community living".

As my depressive state worsened I started looking for outlets that would afford me a vehicle to purge my inner demons rather than habitually internalize them and punish myself in the process. Now I'm no doctor, shrink, therapist nor do I hold any degree in sociology, psychology or psychotherapy but I can honestly see where these professions leave gaping holes when it comes to dealing and healing.

I really don't think a person can ever truly heal unless they are honest with themselves nor do I feel that talking helps either if you don't feel comfort with whom you're disclosing your most intimate thoughts with. I acknowledge that my point of view may not be totally on the mark but it rings true in my ears.

In fact, I think just learning that your not the only one is half the road to healing and having generous amounts of love, support and understanding represents the other half. Again this may not be the assessment by a mental health expert but it is the seeds from which Lifesupporters.com were sewn and the main reason we're all here.

[Duke]

The Reason:

Lifesupporters.com officially went online on July 3, 2004 and became viewable around the world wide web on July 4, 2004.

The original concept was simple, discuss sensitive issues in an open, honest, caring and supportive environment and possibly share some insight into said issues. I've never been comfortable with the medical usage of the term Life Support as it's limited to maintaining a patients life through artificial means; what about all the times during ones life when you needed emotional support? This one burning question and a quest to perhaps share the terminology became my one and only goal.

Since communication breakdown is something we all live with and have personally experienced at least once in our lives, I reasoned that we could provide a place for open and honest communication where all constraints are removed and you're free to deal with your inner demons. The anonymity the internet provides means that the only person your really lying to in this type of forum environment is yourself so if you want to heal, you will but if you don't you really have no one left to blame but yourself.

[Duke]

The Goal:

The goal is and always has been simple; reach as many folks as you can and let them talk/type it out of themselves. Give people suffering from social afflictions a vehicle to finally come to terms with tough issues and show them all the support in the world. Make people feel as if their not alone and in the process demonstrate at every possible opportunity that they are cared about and most of all, IMPORTANT!

[Duke]

The Ride:

It's been very bumpy as some of our older members can attest to. Pretty much since the start it's been a constant struggle to stay online. Pretty much everything that could happen has happened including (but not limited to) the following:

• sloppy, unprofesional and unreliable webhosting (this has plagued us since day one)
• the url Lifesupporters.com was hijacked and pointed to a bird sanctuary website for the course of a few days (by a webhost)
• Lifesupporters software has been hacked twice
• our current server has been compromised and e-mail spam continues to flow from non-existant accounts such as sales@lifesupporters.com
• software limitations meant poor Search Engine Indexing for 3 of our 4 years online
• a staff member taking advantage of another staff members online income and thus betraying both their, and my, trust

I'm sure there's more issues we've endured but these represent the biggest hurdles I can recall.

Lifesupporters.com today is quite different from where I thought it would be in the beginning. To say Lifesupporters is both bigger and smaller than what I originally envisioned is not only a huge understatement, it's the best oxymoron I can think of that encapsulates where we are.

[Duke]

Statistics:

Simply put, our stats are killing me. As of this writing we are set to attract our lowest monthly membership since this time last year with over 10x the traffic. The following graphs should help demonstrate my point:

2007 Yearly Statistics: Stats only recorded from Feb. - end Dec. (new webhost).



2008 Yearly Statistics: Jan. 1 to present.



As you may have noticed all stats continue to climb through the roof. It is quite likely that 2008 will see the site traffic busier than all 3 preious years combined. It looks as if this month alone will represent 1/4 million page views (actual full html page views, not bots or traffic not viewed) and I can guarantee you that a fraction of this number is member traffic; guests are responsible for these numbers. The problem is that these quests are not becoming members which negates the reason for even having a discussion forum.

To say this is completely unacceptable is one of the biggest understatements I've ever muttered under my breath. How on Earth can it be that professional paid software utilizing many of the latest SEO Techniques is drawing less membership than a buggy, poorly optimized, Content Management System does?

I'm pretty sure the reason is simple, much of our content is not inline with our sites theme.

[Duke]

Our Current Audience:

Currently we attract approx. 43% of our target audience, peolpe searching google, yahoo, msn, etc., for social related issues. 43% represents a rather generous figure given the fact that a number of the search results bringing guests here are duplicates and/or borderline issues we should cover.



The above demonstrates a cross section of the people finding Lifesupporters.com. We have managed to gain some views from keywords that are inline with the site such as depression, family, issues, poly fidelity, diabulimia, etc., but as you can see they represent only a small percentage of actual visitors finding what their looking for.

As bad as this may sound consider the fact that we're not exactly good at keeping our topics on track nor do we title our topics appropriately all the time. Many of our topics are titled similar to the following:

• have you ever...
• i need help
• what is your...
• what do i do?

Nobody searches for the above in google or any of the search engines. Add the fact that we aren't all that great at keeping topics on track and what percentage of our content is now relevant, targeted and actually useful, 40%, 35%, 30%, more, less?

As I'm sure you already know, when you come across a site that does not represent what it is you were looking for you either search again or click the little red

Needless to say we need to find ways to ensure we're attracting the proper audience, those looking for help or information on social issues.

[Duke]

Cost: I hate adding this part!!!

I want to state for the record that I don't want to add this but it's really the only way I can demonstrate how serious I am about finding the original focus of this website. Please do not think I'm standing on my podium begging for your hard earned money, I'm not; all I want is for you all to understand the hidden costs of keeping this place online day in and day out.

The monthly bill to keep Lifesupporters.com online currently stands at between $100 - $110 USD/month with the strong Canadian Dollar helping out somewhat lately. Now I am no millionaire, I've been working the same dead end job half my life so this bill represents a nice chunk of cash I could put towards other things such as my daughters education, RRSP, credit cards, etc. I choose to pay this sum and not complain about it because I just want to help people or give people a vehicle to help themselves.

In other words the money I invest is well spent if it does some good online. The big problem is that I don't feel this money is being spent wisely if it's being dumped into directions other than helping folks.

As for the emotional cost, well it's weighing heavy on me because we simply aren't reaching our target audience. There are people out there who do not represent a minority in that they have issues that need dealing with. I ask you all seriously, what good is a self help or social discussion forum if it doesn't reach people who need it?

The answer is obvious; it does no good at all.

I'm hoping that this is the only part of this "bigger picture" where I may come across as a bit of an a-hole but I have to state it because money has a way of turning many people into complete idiots. It is not, has never been and will never be about the money I spent or continue to spend on this site. If you read this into it you clearly have no clue about the person I am.

I do have a donation system but so do most sites online. I don't have it to pressure anyone into paying a cent