Two men driving me crazy.

[ginae]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. Thanks in advance for reading and commenting. I have been married to the same man for 12 years. I married him young, and for the last few years, it hasn't been good. Financially we've had major problems, he's been isolated and aloof. I've spent many nights alone. And he's been very callous with words.

I told him in March that I was done with it. I wanted to separate. Around the same time, I met someone else. He was absolutely great (and really, he still is), and it was nice to feel valued and appreciated.

I left my husband and went to another state, where the other man is. We've seen each other many times, and now I feel like he wants a "relationship" from me, which just does not seem plausible right now. He says he loves me, needs me, etc. and it is just too much.

And, at the same time, my husband swears that he's come to his senses, he feels like he's lost everything, and is trying very hard to get me back.

I sort of feel like my place is with him, but I really don't know what to do right now. I guess I just need some guidance.

[Vautrin]

Welcome to LifeSupporters Gina!

You are in a very complicated situation.

Because of the rocky situation with your husband, it is easy to fall for this other man. Just because your husband is behaving callous towards you, makes it easy for another man to compare positively with him. It is just the way people are "programmed".

Depending on the state you are from, taking it even further could complicate matters more. Both financially and with regards to your children (if you have them). So tread very lightly, to say the least.



The fact that your husband is trying to get you back is positive. But it alone does not mean that his motives are pure. Other than saying he has come to his senses, what proof do you have that your husband has changed? Does he want to go to marriage counseling or does he just want you to take his word for it?

[Luba]

Personally, I'm all for saving a marriage if at all possible! Sometimes it takes something huge for the partner to realize how he/she's been taking a partner for granted. JMHO!

Welcome to Lifesupporters, ginae!

[Meanon]

Welcome

What makes you think your place is with your husband? Is it duty or do you still have feelings for him? I suspect that the reason why moving on with a new relationship is "too much", is because you need to know how you feel about the one you've left before committing yourself to another, or maybe you need time alone to figure out what exactly it is you DO want. How would you feel if your leaving was a wake up call to your husband and he has come to his senses? How do you know how you would feel unless you waited to see how you felt?

I was once in your position. Every situation, every couple is different. What works for one may not work for another. All I can say is it worked for me. I did get involved with someone else, but I did not start new relationships until I knew absolutely that there was no way I could go back to my ex, no matter what he did, what we tried as a couple or how he changed (which he did). I was sure when I left. Do you have kids? I do, and I needed to know that the choices I made were right for them too. They are happy, but they still ask me and I have no guilt, that is important to me - that they know I did it for them too.

So, take your time. Your new guy will understand if he loves you and will give you the time you need. But please don't sacrifice your happiness out of a sense of duty. Chronic unhappiness causes untold damage not just to yourself, but to innocent parties too who get sucked into the mess. People need, if not happiness, then at least hope, in order to be healthy.

[ginae]

Thanks everyone.

I didn't quite mean being with my husband was "my place" - poor choice of words there. I meant that being with him feels right to me, I just don't want to go back to living the same way, if that makes sense.

But I do feel like I need time to myself, and to live by myself perhaps, with little to no male interraction. At least, not on a "serious" level. Maybe just a date-y, nonchalant level.

No, we don't have children, which is good, because I do understand that's a whole different level of issues.

I also think I'm an extra sensitive type of person, so I just feel everyone's woes - and everyone's pressures, you know?

But I will say that the husband is definitely making a conscious effort, and I do feel he is the type of person who needs a very desperate situation to learn from.

[Meanon]

If being with him feels right to you then I would certainly give it time, on your own, to see whether you can regain your relationship. Some people do need a desperate situation to give them the incentive to change. Good luck

[TKDLady]

First off welcome to Lifesupporters Ginae. I understand what you are going through. You need to make the choice that is good for you. Give yourself time and space and see where your heart really lies. We are all here for you sweetie.

[PepsiChic]

hi, im sorry to hear your in such a difficult situation.

Vautrin is right tho, its easy to see and find affection or lust in another place when things arent going so well at home. ive seen many people "fall in love" with another person while on a temporary separation from their husband/wife. its not uncommon.

however, its knowing what is love and what is lust, what is real and what we have made up in our minds to make us feel wanted at such a difficult time.

By the sounds of it, your very much in love with your husband, and the fact that hes trying already shows his willingness to undo his mistakes. your right sometimes being faced with the sharp stick of reality can do someone good, and if your right, hes been hit on the head with that stick the day you moved out.

Moving to another state however is probably not a good thing, its impossible for you to both work on your relationship if your so far away. plus the affections for another man wont help at all. infact it may doom your marriage which i really dont think you want.

my suggestion gina, would be to move closer to your husband, and forget the other man, he is just a shoulder to lean on, and the more you lean on it, the more dependant you will come. but i dont think its what you want. and will make things harder to go back to your husband if you choose to do so.

like i said move closer to your husband, take up counseling if you need to, and dont be afraid to suggest it, many many many people go for marriage counseling, its healthy to be reminded of why your married in the first place.

if you dont want to see a counselor then sit down with your husband in a neutral place, like a cafe. somewhere you can sit and talk, try writing him a letter, explain to him exactly why you left, how you feel and what YOU want. dont be frightened to say EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT!

write down the reasons you fell in love, then right down what you still love about him, get him to do the same and then read eachothers lists. you'd be surprised how much easier it is to write things down sometimes then to say it out loud.

mainly communication is the key to a health relationship, with family, co-workers, friends and partners. no matter the situation, communication is always a must.


work together as a team, the very team you first set out to be!

good luck gina, we are all here for you x