Separation or Divorce?

[laki33]

I don't know where to begin. I have been married of 10 years and 3 kids. I will try to be short and sweet. I am dealing with emotional cheating, separation and career change all at the same time. I don't have a problem with latter two but I can't seem to deal with Emotional cheating. My wife came back from a business trip and I felt a certain disconnect. I never do this, but I checked her phone and saw she met a new friend that is also married. They were texting, spending excessive time on the phone all in 10 day's time. When if told her how I felt she decided to bring a mountain of other issues we were having insisting they are just "friends" and that we needed time apart. I agreed to move out end leave her and kids at home. Now I am taking a job out of state and do not see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am so hurt by all this that I am seriously thinking about divorce. I still love her, but I don’t think I will ever get over this. I love my kids and will always be there for them, but we have grown so far apart already that this separation will only make things worse. Maybe selfish, but I don’t think I could bear the thought of her being with another man let alone putting my kids in that kind of position. We have been separated now for a month and looks like maybe even a year or more to go. She hasn’t been happy with me for a long time which explains her attitude and new friend. I do take responsibility I just feel betrayed and lied to. I don't want to lose her and in some ways i already have, but I don’t see the point in agonizing any more like this.

[Vautrin]

It does sound like some sort of affair is going on. As long as you don't fight for the Marriage, it will fall apart (because she will be busy with this new friend).

Doing nothing to address the issues is not an option. I think being firm and resolute is what is required. Be very clear with her what you want, what you don't want, and what you are willing to do. And what the consequences are if she does not follow through herself.

What is it your wife is complaining about, what has she done to try and address those issues herself? What have you done to address those issues?

[IR_Efrem]

I've said this in another post and I do not mind saying it again. I went through a bit more than emotional cheating. Needless to say there was a period in my first marriage where I did nothing at all and I just sat there and waited for things to get better.

Vautrin has hit the mark here. Doing nothing will get you nothing and I agree with him 100%. With a ton of emotions floating around this is almost always easier said than done though.

I do not know your full situation laki but I know the hurt all to well. For the good of your children and yourself, I truly hope you get this sorted out before to long. My thoughts will be with you.

[laki33]

Originally Posted by Vautrin

It does sound like some sort of affair is going on. As long as you don't fight for the Marriage, it will fall apart (because she will be busy with this new friend).

Doing nothing to address the issues is not an option. I think being firm and resolute is what is required. Be very clear with her what you want, what you don't want, and what you are willing to do. And what the consequences are if she does not follow through herself.

What is it your wife is complaining about, what has she done to try and address those issues herself? What have you done to address those issues?

Well, we never argued a lot or anything like that. She did most of the complaining. She told me she want't someone to inspire her and that someone that makes her be a better person. I am so mad now, i want to buy some Tony Robinson inspirational dvd's and tell her to go ....herself. She thinks we just don't have much in common and some other person would make her happier. I am just mad she waited this long to say anything when i had my doubts too long before the kids. I would not have a problem breaking off this marriage it's a thought i will have to see her one day with another man that bothers me. I know i sound like a little girl, but this is hurting more then i would ever had thought so. I insitgated a "mutual divorce" and then changed my mind becuase she is not willing to give me any promise if she is willing to reconcile. She needs time and in that time while she is deciding our future i am suppose to sit and think what decision will she make? I told her that i wanted her and understand we both need time but at least give me some indication that you are willing to work things out so i can get some sleep.

[Vautrin]

I think you just need to come up with a path and stick to it. Whether you file for divorce, go into marriage counselling or what, everything takes time. May as well make it count, in terms of coming to a decision.

If she needs time what is she going to do with it? Text this other guy. How that is helping the relationship is a bit beyond me. Not to mention, she probably will suffer from rose-tinted perspective, because the other guy is new. Does not mean she is making objective or rational judgements in this situation.

Propose marriage counselling. How does she react to that? If you want to work things out, the both of you need to make a commitment in that regard. You can't save a marriage by yourself. If she thinks otherwise, then perhaps you should start the divorce proceedings.

And divorce proceedings last quite long anyway, so it is not until the judge says your divorced that it is so. She will still have a long time to work on things, if she chooses to, despite not opting for marriage counselling.

As for the "jealousy", I don't think it is that uncommon, after a long marriage. Don't worry too much about it yet, and try to save the relationship.

[laki33]

Originally Posted by Vautrin

I think you just need to come up with a path and stick to it. Whether you file for divorce, go into marriage counselling or what, everything takes time. May as well make it count, in terms of coming to a decision.

If she needs time what is she going to do with it? Text this other guy. How that is helping the relationship is a bit beyond me. Not to mention, she probably will suffer from rose-tinted perspective, because the other guy is new. Does not mean she is making objective or rational judgements in this situation.

Propose marriage counselling. How does she react to that? If you want to work things out, the both of you need to make a commitment in that regard. You can't save a marriage by yourself. If she thinks otherwise, then perhaps you should start the divorce proceedings.

And divorce proceedings last quite long anyway, so it is not until the judge says your divorced that it is so. She will still have a long time to work on things, if she chooses to, despite not opting for marriage counselling.

As for the "jealousy", I don't think it is that uncommon, after a long marriage. Don't worry too much about it yet, and try to save the relationship.

I agree, i wanted some closure too so i can heal or know what ground I stand on. I do not like this "in between" time. She told me she coudn't give me an answer now that she is willing to work on things or even go to counceling. I think she is scared to go and talk to a proferssional because she also has a lot of issues and do not like to work on them. At least i am willing to change my ways. I do not see the point in saving this. If she is not sure now that she want's to stay married how will she think in 60 days? I don't get it.

[IvyRose]

Originally Posted by laki33

If she is not sure now that she want's to stay married how will she think in 60 days? I don't get it.

I don't mean to make this situation worse for you, but it sounds like she's waiting to know whether she's going to enter in another relationship or not.

She doesn't want to get rid of you until she knows for sure if the other guy is willing to be with her.

Sounds like her new "text buddy" has put some ideas in her head about her marriage.

You mentioned her new friend was married too. Sounds like they are trying to figure out when to break off both marriages and be together. If her new "text buddy" decides he wants to save his own marriage, your wife is left out in the cold.

I've seen this situation hundreds of times in my life. It stinks, no one wins, and it's only bound to hurt the children involved.

If I were you, I'd tell her to piss or get off the pot. That's just me though. If she knows that you aren't always available for her to come back to, maybe her fantasy world of becoming a better person with someone else will vanish.

It does sound like she has a lot of issues to work through within herself. She needs to learn that no one can inspire her except herself. Sounds like she has some self-image problems.

She won't work on herself until she feels she has a problem, hun. It's up to you what you want to do at this point. You can't force someone to get help unless they want to be helped.

Having things that aren't in common have actually been said to make a marriage or relationship more exciting. Marriage Counseling has helped some people realize what true love really is and it isn't always romantic.

Sounds like your wife is caught in a fantasy world and romanticizing about what a marriage should really be like. We all fall of the horse at some point and shouldn't feel guilty about it. You kept your doubts to yourself, I'm assuming. Now that she has come out with her feelings, let yours be known.

I hope that you both can come to a solution and meet a Counselor. I'm not psychic, but if you're not sleeping, sounds like there are still some feelings there.

You're just going to have to wake her up somehow or let this other "friendship" run its course.

[Luba]

Welcome to Lifesupporters, laki33!

I just want to concentrate on you because we can never change another person, ever! I've lived a long time and learned a lot about relationships along the way. The most important thing I learned in my marriage is to see what's going on within me and how I could make myself a better partner. The wisdom I have learned is to treat my husband with kindness, no matter what. I looked within and found tremendous strength there. I learned how to be my own person. Once that happened, I was set free being able to handle problems that came up.

Your wife is having a difficult time, too, and needs kindness no matter what. Sometimes one partner has more strength than the other at times, and vice versa. That's what relationships are all about..give and take. Right now she is taking from you and, of course, you feel hurt; especially if you see her with another man. However, once you find your strength and peace, you will be able to move on no matter what happens.

Talking to her on a compassionate level would get the best results, IMHO. If you are in any way provoked, step back, move to silence for a moment or two, whatever works so that you don't exchange anger for anger, hurt for hurt. Be the strong one no matter what! On each exchange that happens afterward, she will see how strong you are and how you don't buy into the anger, she will relax and you will be able to communicate more fully.

I wish you both the very best in working this out!

[laki33]

Thanks for all the reply. This man she has been talking to lives in a different state. When i approached her for "mutual Divorce" she told me that she stopped talking to him because it was the "right decision". I have treatened to call his wife if it didn't stop and this creep has no respect for his wife or mine. He kept calling. She told me she want's to be with soul-mate for the rest of her life and that she doesn't think i can be that person. I have given her everything and never held anything back. If she doesn't have my soul why do i feel so lifeless,empty, lonely and unloved? Thing is, i am very attractive guy and could find another women today, but it would never be the same. She took everything i had. I hope i find my way out of this and never let someone hurt me like this again.

[IvyRose]

Chances are that by threatening to tell her friend's wife about their friendship may have angered your wife. She may feel that you're being too controlling over her life and needs some time to think about things.

Your ego is bruised right now. No one person is better than the other, just different. This isn't about your looks or how you were intimate. So please, don't think that.

Feeling lifeless, empty, lonely and unloved are all signs of grief. You've already begun being angry, so acceptance is just a few short steps away and should make you feel better soon.

If she won't provide you the closure you need right now, you need to bring closure for yourself. I would suggest going to Grief Counseling or even Divorce Counseling.

Research your feelings about your wife and find out if you really want her back without the rage, jealousy or grief.

Grief or Divorce Counseling just for you, will help you cope with the right now. Don't think too far into the future, just think of right now.

What would make you be able to breathe more comfortable this very minute?

[IR_Efrem]

Life is funny sometimes. I know your pain my friend. I'll save you all the "it will get better speeches." I hit an absolute low after me and my wife split up and I jumped into a relationship completely devout of everything. I didn't care for the woman, beyond normal friendship, and I fooled myself into thinking I was ready for a relationship and just moved in with her. I told her that I loved her and ended up leaving her a month later when the grief came back around.

I hit rock bottom again, with the initial feelings of just having a warm body next to me, gone. Just like Luba has said, I turned inwardly and rediscovered who "I" am as a separate person, which I believe is one of the most important things.

Being a couple and being married is a great thing but you have to remain separate people in order to deal with everything that comes in life.

All reasons aside look at this from the outside. Your wife and you have hit a wall. Of course you are both having difficulties. I do not know her problems but look at what has been happening. She has some guy whispering in her ear, probably telling her all she wants to hear. ------- "Life could be so great if we were together because we both think the same about this or that" - "Yes that husband of yours does not understand you like I do" - "Oh yes I agree, I feel that way about life as well, Not like your husband" Now add this to a person that has some esteem issues or she isn't so sure about what life is supposed to be offering her...........

All these great words and empathy, that have ZERO to do with reality or how life actually works, have been feeding your wife's ego and have been very comforting to her. You are in love with her and you want her, I can tell. I had my moments of wanting to reject my EX and I had strong moments of wanting her, plus the same feelings that you describe.

You sound like you want things to work out (but you are confused about these awful feelings) and I am not certain what your wife wants. What do you do?

Play the waiting game and hope?
Insist she choose now?
Do you file for divorce now?
Can you trust her?
Does she want you?

I cannot say what is right for you, but I do know the children do not need to be in limbo. Your grief will pass VERY quickly in comparison to how how much time will be needed for your children to just accept and cope with separated parents.

I hate to sound like I know it all, but I cannot help but feel that you and your wife need to make a choice, one way or the other, just for the sake of your children.

I wish I had a chance to go back and make things a TON better for my children. It's not hard to forget about a lot of things when we are hit so suddenly by this amount of grief, anger and hurt. I'm not saying that you will indeed make the same mistakes that I did. Just remember they will be impacted the most of all the people (yourself included).