Relationship Success

[Duke]

I think your house deviates from the norm in every aspect Merika.

[Merika]

You know....you are right....but we are actually somewhat happy within our own dysfuction. We make jokes about it and don't care if anyone appreciates our strange sense of humor or not! LOL!

Such as the weekends.....both kids have their own room, their own beds and their own televisions. However, they will both sleep in the living room because the first person to wake up gets the remote to the big TV and the 'On Demand' selections and has 'first dibs'.

Sometimes one will hide the remote the night before so the other one won't find it should they happen to the the first one awake. One time Sn00py hid it so well....we never found THAT one until we bought a new couch. It's the strangest thing I've ever seen.

[Samson]

Perhaps a lot of people are in denile, because I've not spoken to any adult who comes from a divorce as a child, who doesn't claim they wish their parents had made the decision sooner.

This is in contrast to Svetlana's comments to Tony Soprano that after divorce, "children cannot trust."

Maybe getting much of my social justifications from "The Sopranos" is a mistake?

[Merika]

I've never watched The Soprano's....but I'm not sure I would base my social choices on it regardless. HAHA Samson!

The bottom line is.....no one knows how their kids are going to perceive a divorce. Eventually though, they will be adults and go on with their own lives. In the meanwhile, being miserably married to someone and wasting your own life seems silly.

I stayed married long after it should have been over because my children were so young. It was a stupid foolish mistake. All I did was waste a decade with an AssClown for no purpose or benefit to anyone concerned.

I'm not minimizing the importance to one being committed to their family. But there comes a time when that committment is hanging by such a lose thread.....your only heading for disaster anyway. I think it's best to make that decision in a timely manner and get the heck out when you see it can't be fixed.

If I were a man....I would rather my kids see me happy in my life....than to grow up just remembering how cranky I was being stuck in a loveless marriage. I can't see any benefit to that.

Again....that's only my personal opinion.

[Meanon]

I did some research on the effects of divorce on children (looking at longitudinal studies). The results were very mixed but there is a degree of consensus that there is a long term effect in a minority of people, mainly in the degree of confidence they have in maintaining a life long committment. What they didn't do was contrast that to the effects of growing up with miserable parents, as most would have divorced.

Having reached the point where I have no doubts whatsover, I think that you have to keep revisiting these issues until you reach a point where you know you can live with the consequences. Then, you are ready to act. I don't think it makes much difference to the overall outcome, except to the amount of time it takes. It's more that there is a process to be gone through to find a way of living with what you must do. Sometimes that takes months, sometimes years. It all depends on the circumstances and the personalities involved.

I don't know if I am typical, but I've seen echos of my reactions in others. The great thing is that having done all the soul searching, when the thing you can't mention on a family forum hits the fan, you can handle it. All that preparation time really is necessary, in retrospect. Without it, I'd have been floundering.

For me, the absolute worst time is the phase you are in now, samson, that of doubt and uncertainty.

[Cindy]

I agree with Meanon. That most certainly is the most difficult phase. I knew in my heart probably a year before I left my husband that I would be leaving. But it took that long for me to reconcile all the different emotions and figure out the best way to go about it. By the time I did it, I felt I had all my ducks in a row and never looked back. I had no doubt in my mind that what I was doing was the best thing for all of us.

It's a hard thing, taking that first step, there's no doubt about it. But once you do make up your mind, and once you do take that first step, you will probably feel a load lifted off your shoulders. Even if you know you're going to be going through hell for a while, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Merika]

Originally Posted by Cindy

It's a hard thing, taking that first step, there's no doubt about it. But once you do make up your mind, and once you do take that first step, you will probably feel a load lifted off your shoulders. Even if you know you're going to be going through hell for a while, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think that's precisely the spot Meanon is in now.