Only My Heart

[rms]

Hello to all. I've been reading these threads today and they have been helping me a lot. So, thank you.

I'm 37, married 19 years (in 2 weeks). 2 kids (18 & 16). She moved out 2 weeks ago. The youngest (boy) is with her half the time and with me half the time. The oldest (girl) wanted to stay with me.

We were high school sweethearts (off and on) for 3 years before getting married after senior year. I went to college and got a good job afterwards and we've been quite steady up until this year.

She let me know she was planning to move out about a month before she did. She did not want to try to make it work, only to get some space from me and try to figure it out and see what comes from there. She said she was 50/50 on whether she thought she'd want a divorce.

I was willing to work on our problems and stay together. I acknowledged all the issues she said were to blame and that they could be fixed and I'd do all I could to fix them. The problems were the usual ones. Lack of communication, lack of help around the house, a general lack of effort. I had gotten into a routine of focusing on entertaining myself and I admit to it. I spent most of my time in the bedroom, watching TV and on the computer. While she was in the front room watching TV and on her computer (as well as cooking, cleaning, etc.).

During the time between the announcement and when she left, I fully demonstrated my ability to address the issues described. But it made no difference to her and she refused counseling. It seems as though my attempts to talk her out of it only made it worse.

She has been having an emotional affair for most of this year with an old friend from high school. She does not see it that way (HE IS JUST A FRIEND!), and any mention from me makes her upset and accusing me of being jealous with no cause. She says if she is going to be accused of having an affair, then she might as well do it.

I have been doing my best to keep the lines of communication open. She has been responsive, but all indications are that she has gone beyond the point of no return and is now ready to move on.

We are supposed to go out this weekend on a "date". It was my idea and she was surprisingly interested in it.

I have been emailing my mom about it, so I've had an outlet and that has helped tremendously.

I go back and forth in my head as to whether or not I actually want it to work out. I've kept up a mostly steady stance on it in my communications with her (that I DO want it to work out). But, I don't have a lot of hope at this point.

I guess it could be a lot worse though. She didn't immediately start divorce proceedings (planning to wait until after the holidays to make that decision).

[Vautrin]

Welcome to LifeSupporters, rms, although we both wish the circumstances would have been a lot more pleasant.

Are you going to let her decide whatever will happen? Even if that means waiting indefinitely, till she has decided whether or not to pursue things to the end with the old high school "friend"??

If she is not willing to work on it (and the counselling seems to be an indication that she does not), then there is only so much you can do. You could try counselling on your own, but because she is not involved in that, you can't really expect miracles from it.

The emotional affair she has is likely to be the cause of the current situation. Which may have been brought about, by some of the shortcomings in your relationship (and every relationship has its shortcomings, it rough patches). What goes on in the emotional affair is hard to predict, but in all likelihood the friend is making things look less rosy in your marriage, and may have succeeded in making your wife believe that that is true.

Emotional affairs are something you can't really fight on even ground, as they don't involve the everyday hassles, of cooking, cleaning, taking out the garbage, paying the bills, etc.

You mentioned your two kids. Do they have specific reasons to stay where they are staying (like you better, or less stressed, more relaxed, closer to school).

I'd say go on with the date. Be fair, be open. Try to get her to go to counseling, but if she does not want to, accept that as well.

But also make it clear to her, in your communication with her, that you will not wait indefinitely, till she has made up her mind, whether you are the better deal or not.

[IvyRose]

We are supposed to go out this weekend on a "date". It was my idea and she was surprisingly interested in it.

She didn't immediately start divorce proceedings (planning to wait until after the holidays to make that decision).

These two things are really good signs right there that things may turn in your favor.

It doesn't matter if she was emotionally cheating or not, confronting her about them is fine, but once she says she isn't; you need to accept that answer. It will only make you two further apart to punch that issue.

Furthermore, even if she was emotionally cheating, it sounds like she hasn't gone completely through with a full-on cheat. Sounds like you two have chemistry together and have a good chance at saving your marriage. We'll see how the date goes.

You two have a lot of History together. This is a good plus sign for you also. I know it stinks to be pushed back into the courtship part when it's not your decision, but she was feeling unwanted, unappreciated and wants to spread her wings now.

Don't feel guilty, we all get into routines with a long-term relationship. These things happen to very much in love couples. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Let us know how things go.

Welcome to Lifesupporters! It's nice to meet you.

[rms]

Thanks for the advice. It is MUCH appreciated!

I do agree that I can't just let her decide everything. And the fact that she is still willing to go out on dates is a very good sign for a possible future. We do still have chemistry together.

I want to press the counseling option, but I don't want it to come off as an ultimatum. How can I do it? She has stated previously that she believes marriage counseling is a waste of time (from discussions she's had with friends who have been through it). It is my feeling that she thinks the counseling will result in placing more blame on her than on me and THAT is what she's really opposed to.

To answer the questions ... my daughter wants to stay with me because she is mad at her mother for causing this situation. She's very comfortable at our home and doesn't want to be uprooted. My son is what most would call a "momma's boy", not in a bad way though. He has stated to me that he mainly wants to be with her so that she won't be lonely. They have a very close relationship, and he puts her emotional needs above his own (very grown-up actions for a 16-yr-old). I'm very proud of him for that.

I will post again with updates.

Thanks for being here.

[IvyRose]

Hi rms,

I don't know how to convince someone to change their minds on something they feel strongly about. Marriage Counseling can also be a big waste of time, depending on the counselor's agenda. I have heard of couples being broken up by a counselor instead of bringing them closer together. The counselor basically told them they needed a Divorce. That's not to say that all counselors have this agenda, you just have to be careful who you pick.

The Blame Game is probably something she very much wants to skip out on. She is the one taking the first step out of your marriage and she already feels a blame for that. Maybe in time she will see that she played a part in this break, just as much as anyone did. That's just something she will have to gain knowledge of for herself.

I think you have a really good score card here and giving her space to miss you a bit, might be some good advice to listen to. Certainly, if there is hope, she will start remembering the good times you both shared as a couple.

I'm very much interested in the updates.

[Vautrin]

As you said yourself, you can't really press for ultimatums. The only thing you can do is ask. Don't make it out (to her) that it is about blame. Blaming will not get either of you anywhere positive. Marriages are not about blame, but about moving forward together. It is easy to forget in confused and complicated situations.

That does not mean however, that there might be unconscious motives on her part for not being interested in marriage counseling. And we can speculate what those reasons are, or might be, but that is something your wife has to figure out, if she wants to.

A good counselor would focus on the facts - and also point out that the emotional affair affects the perception of her marriage with you in a negative way. You are competing with something that is not based on reality, so it is hard, if not impossible to keep up with that.

In a sense the reasons your kids have given are positive. It is not that they picked the parent which offered them the most freebies, the least hassles or what. They made their own decisions, and have given clear reasons why. This gives credibility to the idea there is still hope in the situation.

I think you have a really good score card here and giving her space to miss you a bit, might be some good advice to listen to. Certainly, if there is hope, she will start remembering the good times you both shared as a couple.

I agree fully with Ivy.

[rms]

I just found this website:

Journey Through Divorce

The articles there are blowing my mind! I've been going through them all chronologically (the archive section) and I've identified with SO many of them. I wish I had found this earlier! I hope my adding the link here will help someone else in the future (if not today). Of course, they ARE trying to sell a solution there - so a small grain of salt may be needed. :\

I'm going to print out all of the articles and ask my wife to read them (she doesn't currently have internet where she is staying). I hope she finds some nuggets of wisdom in there, as I have. Some really eye-opening stuff ...

Thanks to you all for helping and being here!

[Vautrin]

You are more than welcome. Hope the date you will have with your wife this weekend turns out great .

[Luba]

Welcome to Lifesupporters, rms!

I think the date is a wonderful idea and I hope you both have a good time, but I would keep it light! No confrontation or accusations, or any of the heavy stuff. If that happens, she will probably not go on another date if asked.

If she doesn't want a Marriage Counselor, I believe problems can be handled by the two people involved. It's about communication and LISTENING to each other, really listening. Did you ask her where she wants to go on a date; or are you going to your 'special' place. IMHO, I would pick a whole new place for hopefully, a new beginning!

[Duke]

Originally Posted by rms

I want to press the counseling option, but I don't want it to come off as an ultimatum. How can I do it? She has stated previously that she believes marriage counseling is a waste of time (from discussions she's had with friends who have been through it). It is my feeling that she thinks the counseling will result in placing more blame on her than on me and THAT is what she's really opposed to.

Welcome to Lifesupporters.com rms, very glad to have you with us!

My apologies for the late response but I see everyone has given some great advice. The only thing I want to ad is in regards to the counseling option. I do agree that counseling is a big waste of time and effort ONLY IF both parties aren't into it. I think many couples go to counseling and only one of the partners is into actually working on whats suggested, hence a waste of time.

While you may have been somewhat negligent on your home duties she could have also said something about it much earlier rather than let it build up to a point of no return. If you ask me she is not communicating effectively either and I think that's something you need to understand because it is never just one persons fault.

[rms]

Luba, we’re going to someplace new – whatever strikes our fancy as we’re out. Then we’re going to go see the new Will Ferrell movie. Should be good for a few laughs!

After going through all those articles (the link I posted) yesterday, I now have a deeper understanding of what she’s been going through, and what our marriage has been going through, and what I have been going through. The biggest thing is that it’s not as unusual of a situation as it seemed at first. Just knowing THAT makes it a heck of a lot easier! A 19 year marriage is going to have rough spots, we’re all human. It seems to be a natural marriage progression for the husband to become less involved and the wife to be very frustrated and look for ways to fill the void. There are two options at that point. You can give up and move on and have the same thing happen in the next relationship. Or you can work through it and get to the next level of the original relationship. Another HUGE factor is that I think she figured out that true happiness is within HER and not found from her spouse. And so the obvious solution was to break free from that spouse. I can see that and understand why she did it and is currently SET on that path. The problem with that solution is that this is true for EVERYONE, but hardly anyone actually figures it out. She has taken a huge step in her personal happiness. That is a HUGE accomplishment, and is an awesome thing to come from what seems like a bad situation. But it doesn’t mean she has to be single. If the right solution is to be single, then no one would be married. Right?

The thing that I’m focusing on right now is this: Everything that has happened to us and to our marriage this year is COMPLETELY NORMAL!! Most marriages go through this stage if they last long enough. It’s either brought out into the open (as is our case), or it’s buried and resented by one or both spouses (and never really overcome as a result). The only option and road to real happiness is the one we’re currently in the middle of. I know we’ll be better off for it in the long run. And it’s NEVER too late!

I feel a LOT better today, I feel like I finally “get it”. Not understanding is what will drive a person crazy. Hopefully, I’m on the right track. I think so.

Let me know what you all think .. and as always, thanks for being here!

[Vautrin]

Originally Posted by rms

But it doesn’t mean she has to be single. If the right solution is to be single, then no one would be married. Right?

Of course that is not a necessity. Marriage is not about owning another person 24/7. Marriage is a partnership, in which there is room to be oneself, and find happiness within yourself. People don't need that room 24/7 (with sleeping, the hassles of everyday life, you should be glad if you can manage say 8 hours a week of "me" time).

Most marriages go through this stage if they last long enough. It’s either brought out into the open (as is our case), or it’s buried and resented by one or both spouses (and never really overcome as a result). The only option and road to real happiness is the one we’re currently in the middle of. I know we’ll be better off for it in the long run. And it’s NEVER too late!

I feel a LOT better today, I feel like I finally “get it”. Not understanding is what will drive a person crazy. Hopefully, I’m on the right track. I think so.

There is a lot of merit in these ideas. Most importantly, once the two of you realize that these things are normal, and can happen in the best of marriages, then you will be able to talk to each other without much resentment, without diverting blame back and forth to the other.

You are definitely on the right track.

[TKDLady]

I want to welcome you, RMS, to Lifesupporters. I am sorry for such a late welcome and comments to your post but your situation really hits home with me and I have had a hard time coming up with a positive response I guess. Similar things are happening with me as with your wife. I am doing my best to get through it all but it is very difficult. So I will just say for now that I hope for the best for the both of you. I hope whatever solution arises out of this you can both be happy in the end. Good luck and keep posting. We are a very warm and caring online family and I am looking forward to getting to know you better.

[Luba]

Dear rms, you latest Post is very Positive and Uplifting! You are taking the 'bull by the horns', so to speak and doing everything you can in your corner! I think going to somewhere new for dinner is adventurous and exciting! The Will Ferrell movie will top it off, did you see "Taladega Nights" if not, rent it..I LOVED it! There's a second date movie right there, must be completed by popcorn which MUST be negotiated, even if you have two different flavors, hers and yours! Baby steps and lots of laughs, IMHO, should be included! Good luck, I for one, am SOOOO rooting for you both!

[rms]

Well, there's a bit of a change of plans for the weekend. There was an incident yesterday, where I went by her work to drop off those website articles. She wasn't there and had apparently lied to her boss about needing to leave early for an emergency. I went out to her (new) house and dropped them off and she was not very happy that I had gone to her job. She also looked EXTREMELY tired. She has been working 2 jobs, long hours. And it was because of the 2nd job that she had to leave the 1st one from near exhaustion. I sent her this note today:

I don’t think we should go on the date this weekend. For a couple reasons: The first being that I haven’t been doing a good job of giving you space and I think that’s what our situation needs right now (and maybe needed all along, but I didn’t understand). The second being that you have been working some crazy hours and I’ll bet you would rather just stay home and rest instead.

Maybe we can try again in a few weeks, see if the space changes our perspectives on our situation.

Your thoughts?

She sent me 2 email responses today. The first, in response to the date note:

That would be a very good idea...can i still come and steam clean? I can show you how...you can help then I will go home. Thanx yes, I need space....not enough here lately. I am tired too. Thanx for seeing that.

She had said she would steam clean the home carpets when she moved (nearly 3 weeks ago). She has access to the steamer through her job. I haven't pressed her on it, but I did mention it a few days ago.

The 2nd email was in response to a note I sent yesterday about the website articles (very similar to my post here from yesterday):

Glad to know I am normal...ROFL
I haven't felt that way EVER!

As far as the issues..I am glad you have found this site and it is really helping you to understand my position.
I want badly to be there for you...I just CAN'T.
I have enough on my plate w/work, kids, bills and myself.

I think this will help us both no matter what the outcome is.

Please take care of yourself.

I think these responses are a good sign, and I think I'm doing the right thing by postponing the date while I try and give her space. I know I've done everything I can do for now EXCEPT giving her enough space. So, I'm going to try with every fiber of my being to not be the one to initiate communications for the next couple weeks. Our anniversary is coming up on the 18th. It will be hard to remain silent then, if I don't hear from her. I ordered a book by the guy from the website (Mort Fertel) from Amazaon. It's called Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building and Maintaining Phenomenal Love. It was shipped today. I plan on reading it next week and then giving it to her for the anniversary, along with a nice card.

Any advice about the space thing? Do I have the right idea about what that means?

[Luba]

Well, I'm just going to say 'flat-out' that you are being just great about everything. Giving her Space, and with the responses you received, it's obvious she appreciates that, and her responses were very kind and to-the-point, too, so she hasn't shut down communication! It sounds to me that you both are trying to go slowly and end up making it work. I pray that it works out for the both of you as well as your children!

[PepsiChic]

you really sound like a great guy, your taking the time to try and see things from her point of view and understand what shes going through and how she feels, this was straight away a step in the right direction and you should be proud of yourself for doing this.

i cant really offer advice, but i do want to wish you good luck, but you seem to be doing whats right for the both of you. i really hope things work out.

[Duke]

I too think your an incredible guy, I also think your wife is lucky for you to be so understanding and patient. Hopefully she sees this too and realizes what she's missing.

I really hope it works out for the best rms, please keep us posted.

[rms]

Thank you all for the kind words. They are appreciated.

I managed to make it through the weekend without initiating extra contact. I saved her a trip (about 20 minutes each way) on Saturday by offering to drop my son off for her instead of her picking him up. I didn't go in when I was there, I just drove off. I stopped myself several times from sending her a text message on Saturday night and all day Sunday.

This week is going to be difficult. Our anniversary is next Monday. Does anyone have any advice about how to handle that? I am currently planning on leaving the book and card for her on my desk and sending her an email that day to let her know they are there for her (to pick up when she picks up my son). I don't think I said it before, but she drops off my son at the house each day when she goes to work and picks him up after (except when she's working the 2nd job). Next week, she'll be dropping him off at school instead (starting Tuesday). She'll still be stopping by the house on the way home after that, to drop my daughter off after school.

I've been watching a lot of the Olympics to distract myself since Friday, and plan to keep doing so all week.

I'm struggling with a feeling of abandonment. And I keep thinking of her being with another man (eventually) and it's very painful.

[Fayebelle]

I think you are doing the very best you can with a difficult situation. Kudos for keeping your head up.


For your anniversary- I would recommend going to a restaurant or someplace you've never been before. That way you won't be "haunted" by memories and you can mark a step in making independent traditions. You could make a lil adventure out of marker days (anniversaries, birthdays, etc...) to help build your confidence about going back out solo. Maybe invite some pals or be REALLY brave and go alone with the mission of meeting at least one new person you may be able to hang out with in the future.

Doesn't have to be a date- another guy will work. Just someone to help start fresh ideas for your fresh start.

Originally Posted by rms

I've been watching a lot of the Olympics to distract myself since Friday, and plan to keep doing so all week.

If you are ever looking to kill time I'll be happy to discuss why you should NOT be watching the Olympics to kill time (Sorry I'm a bit obsessive )




Big Hugs for all the strength you've had this far. Truly inspirational!

[Luba]

rms, she says she needs space so I would just talk to her first and see if she even wants to do something about the Anniversary. It might just cause added stress, she probably doesn't feel like celebrating anything. Maybe tell her you're open to anything, but first her feelings about it are the most important to you, and whatever she decides, that's it! That may be the Greatest Gift of all right now! JMHO!

[rms]

It was about 3 days with no communication (Saturday morning to this morning). I broke the "space" today by sending a short email about our car insurance payment. It goes through automatically and we're supposed to split it. Neither one of us had put in our half of the money, so we will be charged with an overdraft fee if we don't cover it today. I put in my half and sent her an email letting her know about it. No one has chimed in on whether my ideas about what "space" is are correct or not, so I'll assume everyone thinks they are.

As a means of dealing with some of the pain I was feeling, I wrote a song about it a few weeks ago. That's where the title of this thread is from. I've been working on the musical backing (playing guitar is a hobby of mine) to go with the lyrics, but not having much luck so far. I'm going to include the lyrics here, though I hesitate to do so. It's very personal ... a snapshot of where my mind was at the low point. I think sharing it with her would be a mistake, and only serve to make her feel guilty. Let me know if you agree.

ONLY MY HEART
============
Breaking my heart was just another line on your checklist
It didn't mean much, I don't THINK you even noticed
That my world came crashing down
In pieces all around

It's only my heart
It's only my soul
There used to be faith in you, but now there's just a hole
It's only my love
It's only my trust
Now it's just "you" and "me", when it used to be "us"
Yeah, it's only my heart
Only my heart

Without you around this house just ain't a home
Even though the kids are here I still feel so alone
And I lose however hard I try
When will these tears clear from my eyes?

It's only my heart
It's only my soul
There used to be faith in you, but now there's just a hole
It's only my love
It's only my trust
Now it's just "you" and "me", when it used to be "us"
Yeah, it's only my heart
Only my heart

[PepsiChic]

i read it, re-read it, read it a few hundred times more and im just a crying mess! its such a heartfelt song i wish i could give you a big hug, and although i cant in person i send one to you from the UK

[John]

She did not want to try to make it work, only to get some space from me and try to figure it out and see what comes from there.

Translation: It's over. At least for her.

If this is her true attitude any agreement you get to go into counciling will have a half hearted effort on her part. The emotional affair on her part is further proof that she intends to move on.

As usual the kids will be the big losers here. She should understand before she goes ahead with the divorce that she will lose 50 % control over the kids as will you.

Anything you do with respect to the kids and what you let them do or don't do while in your custody she will have to accept.

For instance if she doesn't want her son to play football or ride motorcycles because he might get hurt, She can only dictate that while he is at her house. At your house of course thing go by your rules. Sometimes when parents realize this they will sometimes agree to tolerate each other till the kids are grown.

[PepsiChic]

your a very negative person john