new and confused

[1harley]

this is a first. I have been married for 22years and has of today my wife tells me she feels like she needs to seperate. Sometimes she tells me she does want to be married and other days she doesn't. Im a little confused as what to do. So far I have tried not to get angry over this. Im trying to be understanding of her situation, but like I said Im confused as to what she wants. She tells me she still loves me but she cant decide if she wants to stay or go.
Our living situation is different, I work in the remote northern part of Canada and she lives on the east coast of Canada, Im usally home every 8 weeks, and when Im there everthing seems to be normal until I get back to work. We used to communicate everyday by phone, or email which seemed to be healthly for us. We have talked before and I have noticed since about the start of the year that she seemed to be getting more distant from me. This all started when she begun to hang with another common friend of ours that has been seperated and living in the same house as her husband. Thier sitituation seems to be rubbing off on us.
What do I do? Im confused as to what she wants. Im trying to supportive of what she wants, but I have no idea as what to do.

[Duke]

Welcome to Lifesupporters.com 1harley it's great to have you with us although I wish the circumstances could have been a bit better for you.

I feel for you man, I too was in a situation where my partner went from hot to cold over the course of our relationship and I never really did learn the reason why our relationship died. I thought having a child together with her and committing to marriage was a common goal (since we already had the child together) but over time she backed away.

To this day I firmly believe that I did all I could to keep things together but after a time I gave up trying as well because there's only so long you can stay with someone who clearly shares no interest in being together. I now believe the good times we shared toward the end were more of a "making the best out of a crappy situation" more than mutual happiness.

What killed it, why did it die, who knows? There have been times where I've been the one to tire of a relationship (actually many times) and I'm not sure what killed my desire toward my partner. I think we all have our good times and our bad times however we all associate these ups and downs with specific events in our daily lives.

Maybe she's really down when your gone and even though she's up when your back it's tainted because she knows you'll inevitably go again? I really don't have an answer (sorry) and I'm willing to bet she doesn't have an answer other than how she feels. I think the only thing you can do is continue to keep the lines of communication open but try and keep the anger, hurt and negativity at bay because it is counter productive.

The only other thing I can say is look toward your own experiences prior to being with this woman, particularly women you lost interest in. Is it possible some elements that made you break up with others in the past may be present in your present from your wifes point of view?

Just curious.

[1harley]

thanks
I have no other experiences to speak of. we have been together since she was 18 and I was 23. I love her to death but I dont know why she feels this way and it driving me crazy. We have our differences in the past but they were minor at least I think so. Im just having a hard time trying to figure out why she feels the way she does. I tried moving home for 3 years with her, the love life is great, but working for less money was hard, thats why I went back on the road. All i want to do is to keep her happy, I just dont know the right way to go about it.

[Duke]

Is there any chance you could take her on the road with you or is that just a silly question?

[1harley]

I have and everthing seems great when we are together, but now shes at home and for the first time in her life since our son moved out and she as taken a new position with her office. she says this is the first time she can do stuff on her own. She also tells me she feels like a widower when I leave to return to work.

[Luba]

Welcome to Lifesupporters, 1harley, and I'm So sorry for what you're going through.

I have to ask, your son, is he your only child? If so, it could be that not only does she miss you, but is experiencing a very, very difficult 'bout' of empty nest syndrome. I had a terrible case of it when my oldest left, and then my youngest and I was inconsolable. I swear I still have bouts of it after all these years.

Is there any way that you can take some time off to be with her, communicate, talk things out, bring everything in the open through compassion and listening to each other? Is there any way you could get a job closer to home? She may be very lonely and getting 'mixed' up with people who are separating and having their own problems is just not a good idea for her, IMHO. While working for less money is hard, saving a marriage is more important. You may have to choose which is more important to the both of you. Good luck, and keep posting, we are here for you.

[1harley]

Thanks Luba
I just finished talking with her long distance, and I have told her that I would support her any way I can, She tells me that our friends seperation as no bearing on this, but I cant help feeling it as rubbed off somehow on her. She went from living with her parents to going to college while pregnant and raising a child and then with me leaving her behind while I went to work for 18 years. This is now the first time she is own her own . I am glad there is someone to talk to about this since I work so far from home

[Luba]

As long as you keep communication open, even not waiting for her to call first or e-mail, just keep the love you have for her flowing, it will only help you both.

There comes a time in a woman's life when she explores who she is, and may look for something to do independently of the husband/partner. That isn't necessarily a bad thing if the partner/husband supports her in this and doesn't get angry or hurt because of it. A woman has been a daughter, then a wife, then a Mother, with no time really to call her own, to find time just for herself. If this is the case with your wife, then maybe you needn't worry so much, that only causes more problems. Just keep on talking, and more importantly, laughing together, that is SO important. Life gets too serious and so bogged down with problems if you don't. Share your good memories.

When you get home, do something different. Hold her, just hold her. Tell her how much you love her and how much she means to you. Kiss her under a tree. Take her to a new place for dinner. Buy her a Rose or her favourite flower, just one every time you come home. Hold her hand when you walk. Look deeply into her eyes when you talk. Bring her a cup of tea, coffee, or cocoa to bed. Just a few ideas to re-start the marriage again, and keep on talking, laughing and joking. Then, how would she ever want to give up a guy like you??

[TKDLady]

Welcome to Lifesupporters 1harley. I am sorry you are here with a hurt heart but glad you found us. We are a very caring group as I am sure you realize by now and always here to listen. I am going through similar feelings as your wife and it isn't really anything my husband has done but with my two children away at college I realize he and I don't seem to have much in common anymore except work. I realize we never kept the marriage alive while the kids were growning up. We didn't make time for each other like before kids. We are both to blame for that. Luba has some really good suggestions and they are certainly worth trying. I really don't know any other answer because we all deal with things differently. Good luck and keep posting. We are here for you.

[cleococo]

Hi 1harley. I don't really have any words of wisdom for you as I am going through my own issues. But this is a great board with very wise people. Their words have helped me in my journey. Welcome.

[1harley]

thank you all. I m trying to be positive about all of this, but as you guess it tearing me apart inside and I dont know what to do to fix it. as I said she tells me that she still loves me, which is good, I m hoping that she will decide what she wants in life, after all she as done for me and our son. I just dont know how long she will take to decide if Im still worth having around her.

[Luba]

How are things going for you, harley?

[1harley]

im not quite sure, Ive tried to keep the line of comunication open, but it seems there is no respose from her, Its been a week since we last spoke to each other and Im just trying to deal with it. All i know is that she tells me Ive done nothing wrong and she still loves me, but this is tearing me apart that that she wont communicate.

[Meanon]

Originally Posted by 1harley

She tells me she still loves me but she cant decide if she wants to stay or go. I have noticed since about the start of the year that she seemed to be getting more distant from me. everthing seems great when we are together, but now shes at home and for the first time in her life since our son moved out. She tells me she feels like a widower when I leave to return to work.

Hi 1harley. It seems your wife is telling you she is unhappy with you leaving and that this has got worse since your son left home. Perhaps she feels more alone without his company, or feels the need to move on with her own things now that she can and feels your absence from this process and her life. Feeling like a widow is fairly strong language, if she feels a great sense of loss when you go then it makes sense that she will begin to distance herself from you so that it hurts less and although she still loves you, the space between you is no longer just geographical.

It's hard to be sure what to do when she is being uncommunicative but it sounds to me as though you need to take care not to interpret her behaviour as her deciding whether you are worth having around her when she has clearly told you that you've done nothing wrong and she loves you. Instead I would decide whether you are going to hope she finds her own way out of her unhappiness with you staying where you are or whether you would be prepared to move back with her again or her with you in order to try and save the marriage.

Of course you would need to talk to her first to be sure such a sacrifice was worth taking, but my instinct is that when women begin to emotionally distance themselves, they often leave it quite late before talking about it as they don't want to be risk everything. So I would act sooner rather than later if you can, even if it's only to talk to her about whether she is sure she would be happy again if you were together.

Good luck

[1harley]

i have finnally spoken with her, I thought that if I was to return home to another job and work at the marriage it would be good, but it failed. If I go home she says she will file for divorce, This is in part that she knows when I work at home, I complain about the money, then she wants me to return to working away. As it stands right now she says she loves me, and im still her husband, but she tells me she does not know where she is, at this point in her life. I keep trying to talk about this, but it feels like I am driving a wedge between us and forcing her to not respod to me anymore, what do I do

[Meanon]

1harley, I'm so sorry your wife has threatened to file for divorce if you return home. It is good that you know here you stand with her. I don't see how you can do much more than you have. I would encourage her to go to marriage guidance with you so that she can explore where she is with you and you can talk about the things which bother her. If she refuses then I would follow your instinct and back off a bit. You can't work things out with someone who in not willing to talk to you or be with you, maybe your best chance is that if she sees you moving on with your life, she will rethink - if she does indeed love you as she says she does.

[Luba]

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how a person could say "I love you" but will file for divorce if you return to find a job at home and work on the marriage. I am not putting her down for one instant, harley, I just don't understand that statement.

Just a thought, but do you both have common friends that you can talk to about this situation? Dear friends always want what's best and might be able to help somehow even by giving you some insight about what's happening within her since you are so far away.

How about her parents? Are you close enough to them to talk to them about the problem, or siblings? As a Mother, when someone loves my son or daughter as much as you love your wife, you can bet I would do everything in my power to help in a positive way.

I also think she can be suffering and feeling alone because your son moved out, especially if she had a wonderful close relationship with him. It really could be shattering, it was/is for me. Just posting this, I remember when my first son and then second son moved out, I have tears in my eyes because I remember those moments so vividly. Believe me, that's HUGE in a woman's/Mother's life! She may be at loose ends and just need time and even alone time to sort herself out.

[1harley]

i have not spoken to any one about this yet, i thought it was something i could resolve with her, but i guess not. Maybe its time i talk to one of her closest friends to see if she would shed some light on this, it might help.