My seperation and Understanding Women

MilesAway28 · 05-27-2008, 12:24 PM

Hi All,

This is my first post.. I''m going through a separation right now it's been 2 days already and it really stinks. I'm 28 and I've been married to my wife for 5 yrs now. I'm not the best at talking about my feelings and being all mushy which is what she always wants to do. I guess for women it's what they want and need and it's always been hard for me. The day she decided that we should separate she told me that I don't talk about the relationship enough, I don't do the things she likes to do and she feels miserable and at times alone and isolated oh yeah and she's always talking about having kids. I guess I should mention that She's 31 and her biological clock is ticking which is what she always brings up. I see now what she meant and she's right. I'm so consumed by work and my own things that I totally took her for granted. I have goals and I want to have a lot of things accomplished so that we can have a family and have money to buy a house and travel and then we can do all those things she wants.

I don't get it.... Women always talk about wanting a guy who would be a good father and provider and a good husband.... How can I be all that if I don't accomplish what I need to do before thinking about having kids or going on vacations? I guess that really isn't the meat and potato's of why she's miserable. I know I don't talk to her, what I mean is we don't have good conversations and mainly thats my fault.

She is almost finished with school and she said she wants time to take care of herself and do the things she wants to do. She said she doesn't want to divorce and that we could see each other but she wants to separate for a while.....

I guess this is something a dozen roses and a teddy bear can't fix... what should I do?

Thanks in advance for your advice

-Paul

IR_Efrem · 05-27-2008, 01:17 PM

I hate to mention the "c" word but counseling of some type might be in order. I do not like most forms of counseling though, they all seem to want to point immediate blame in one direction and focus on that alone. (This is my experience alone and certainly not the golden rule, perhaps just an exception or just a string of bad luck where counselors are concerned)

You seem to have figured out a great deal of the situation all by yourself. Communication is lacking and you are blaming yourself pretty much exclusively, which I do not think is the best idea. You have some ideas about how you want to move forward in life and so does she. This seems to be a good part of the issue, you both have slightly different ideas about where you want go and want to be. Please keep in mind here, I am only going off what you have said so far.

Nothing is clear cut and straight forward and we never get exactly what we want, as I am sure you already know. This is where compromise comes into play. Since you both have some different wants, *both* of you should try not to assume to know what the other person wants. You guys should be talking to each other and prioritize each other needs and wants, figure out what is truly the most important thing and discuss them with each other.

I'll use your example. She wants to have a child, this seems to be something that is important to her. Your concern is financially based, you are worried about being able to afford all the little things in life.

Is this a real concern of yours, is this an assumption based on pressures of society, or is this a concern based on something that you and her discussed (or anything else)?

You really do not need to be "Mr. Super Mushy" to talk about things and listen to each other. This is just a simple conversation. Think about what is a REAL concern of yours and ask her to do the same. Try not to nit pick at each other if something the other person conflicts with what you want.

All in all I would have to say that just letting this go wont do either one of you any good. You two are married for some reason, try to remember this.

I could be completely wrong about some of my assumptions and I certainly don't know it all, but I hope my words have helped a little bit.

Good luck my friend, we will always be here to help, listen, and support you in anyway.

IR_Efrem

MilesAway28 · 05-27-2008, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IR_Efrem

I hate to mention the "c" word but counseling of some type might be in order. I do not like most forms of counseling though, they all seem to want to point immediate blame in one direction and focus on that alone. (This is my experience alone and certainly not the golden rule, perhaps just an exception or just a string of bad luck where counselors are concerned)

You seem to have figured out a great deal of the situation all by yourself. Communication is lacking and you are blaming yourself pretty much exclusively, which I do not think is the best idea. You have some ideas about how you want to move forward in life and so does she. This seems to be a good part of the issue, you both have slightly different ideas about where you want go and want to be. Please keep in mind here, I am only going off what you have said so far.

Nothing is clear cut and straight forward and we never get exactly what we want, as I am sure you already know. This is where compromise comes into play. Since you both have some different wants, *both* of you should try not to assume to know what the other person wants. You guys should be talking to each other and prioritize each other needs and wants, figure out what is truly the most important thing and discuss them with each other.

I'll use your example. She wants to have a child, this seems to be something that is important to her. Your concern is financially based, you are worried about being able to afford all the little things in life.

Is this a real concern of yours, is this an assumption based on pressures of society, or is this a concern based on something that you and her discussed (or anything else)?

You really do not need to be "Mr. Super Mushy" to talk about things and listen to each other. This is just a simple conversation. Think about what is a REAL concern of yours and ask her to do the same. Try not to nit pick at each other if something the other person conflicts with what you want.

All in all I would have to say that just letting this go wont do either one of you any good. You two are married for some reason, try to remember this.

I could be completely wrong about some of my assumptions and I certainly don't know it all, but I hope my words have helped a little bit.

Good luck my friend, we will always be here to help, listen, and support you in anyway.

IR_Efrem

Efrem thanks for your response. I sent her an email and I told her that I would like to get some marriage counseling and I asked her if she'd be open to this... So I'll await her response.

I only wanted to do whats best for us so we can have a good life and start a family sometime down the road.... Yes having kids is important to her and sometimes she just wants one then and there. I am not quite ready for it now, but I know I will be maybe in a few years. I guess you couple that along with the lack of communication and the lack of having fun in general has cause this whole mess. I see it now and I'm hoping it's not too late to make things right, although when we last spoke she looked like she really needs this time apart to think and to get over her depression and just to get herself together. Maybe I should let her have this time apart, but then again I don't want to lose her because I hear that being separated more times than not pretty much leads to divorce but I guess it all depends on the situation. Thanks to you guys for having this forum open to everyone and for listening.

TKDLady · 05-27-2008, 08:45 PM

You have certainly come to the right place to get the load off your shoulders. We are all just regular people like you and we have all had our share of good and bad in our lives so hopefully between all of us we can help you get through this. Keep the lines of communication open. Compromise on when you have kids if that is what she wants. If she is only 31 she has time. If you are waiting until you have enough money or some other intangible thing then you will never have kids. Think about what is important to you and prioritize that list. Get your wife to do the same and see where you can come together. Keep posting and welcome to our loving online family.