My marriage is in trouble

[Star]

I don't exactly know how or where to begin but the fact of the matter is that my marriage is in deep trouble. in fact, i've asked gerry to leave and to leave for good.

He's got issues of his own that all these years i've put up with and tried to help him with but now i'm tired and want out. Don't get me wrong, i do love him dearly and i believe he loves me too but i think we fell out of love with eachother along the way. we're just not as happy as we used to be and i don't think i can ever be again if i stay with him.

My side is that i don't feel appreciated at all. i feel like he takes me for granted and everything i do just isn't good enough. i need to find me again, ya know? i love being a round people and having fun, laughing, joking, being me and with him, i can't be that way. He critisizes everything i do or say. i just don't think i should take this anymore. i'm too old for this now. i want to be happy.

he's always cutting up krystal, which bothers me a LOT because, she is MY daughter and everytime he calls her a name, it kills me inside. i know she's not perfect, i know everything isn't peachy with her but she's still my daughter and him being this way with her isn't being a father to her that's for sure! he's now saying that krystal's not his, tells her these things (which won't help her AT ALL with her behaviour, in fact, it will make it worse) so i've decided to put a stop to it now. you know, when kass packed up her things and left last weekend (she did come back for her curfew), the reason she gave me was that she can't live with "dad" anymore. so, it's not just me. my kids are being affected and before it goes any further, i've told him to leave.

gerry is awesome with kids until they turn 12 then he has no clue how to handle any of it. he's not a bad guy, not by any means, but his issues are his own; his problem, not mine nor are they our kids. i need to protect them.

bottom line is that i'm tired of arguing, being accused of things i['m not or don't do, being nagged at every single day over the stupidest little thing, being unappreciated and feeling like i'm married to someone who doesn't give a crap. i deserve better then this. i deserve to be with someone who does give a crap and i deserve to be happy and appreciated.

i'll be happy with just me, my girls and my grandchildren living in peace.

so, my marriage is crumbling to the point of no return. i know me and i know that when he does leave, i won't let him back in. i won't take the chance of ever feeling like this again, especially feeling happy being on my own.

this was hard for me to write because i feel like a huge failure. i feel like i've wasted 19 years of my life with a man that probably wasn't the right one for me (we are total opposites). well, not right for me anymore i suppose.

[TKDLady]

I am so sorry Star. My marriage has been rocky for a couple years as well although for different reasons so I know how you feel. You are not a failure. No one knows the future. When we marry we feel, at the time, like it will be forever and we do try to get past the bad times but it isn't always possible. A marriage takes work on both sides so don't blame yourself. He had a hand in its demise and it sounds like his fault more than yours. Please don't beat yourself up about it. You have to take care of you first. {{{HUGS}}}

[darkangelism]

I am sorry to hear that. It sounds like you have made up your mind that it is over, and I think that knowing what you want is better then the not knowing and suffering over it. You need to make you happy, and make your kids happy, and they cant be if your not. You are not a failure, you are a wonderful person.

[Vautrin]

Sorry to hear that Star. It takes two to make a marriage work. If he has not tried to make it work, there seems to be no choice. . All people have their shortcomings, but that does not entitle them to be abusive.

People change throughout their lives. What may have been the perfect man for you 19 years ago, may now be totally unsuitable - it is possible that you and Gerry changed in different directions, and as a result drifted apart. Change is no measure of success or failure. It depends on the nature of the change.

((hugs)).

[Star]

you know, i don't solely blame gerry for this. we both have said and done things to hurt eachother throughout the years and somewhere along the way, we lost who we are. where did the "us" go??? as it stnds right now, there is no "us" anymore. i have my life and he has his and at the end of the day, we meet at home and hardly talk at all. i don't think this is how a marriage is supposed to be. i miss the "us" we had but if only one of us wants the "us" and works at it, it will never come back. I'm tired of being the one trying.

I tried to talk to him yesterday and as i'm talking, he's walking away from me. i told him that's one thing i won't miss about him; walking away from me as i'm talking to him. he really doesn't know how to communicate at all. i try and talk about the kids and what we should or shouldn't do with them or talk about how i'm feeling and it always ends up the same. he walks away or says, "i don't feel like talking right now". it's never the right time! i've just had it. that alone makes me feel like he doesn't give a crap, ya know?

he's still here and i wish he wasn't. apparently, he's leaving tomorrow. why he's waiting until then is beyond me but, i can't wait until he's gone.

i was so upset yesterday that i called my brother and had him pick me up. i spend most of the day and night there, came home after midnight. i had a good time though. i had FUN! I had a couple drinks (something i don't do because i was suppoting gerry not drinking), we did karaoki and had a blast. I needed that big time. i actually felt like ME last night and didn't have to worry if gerry was going to throw me any dirty looks or nasty remarks because of the fun i was having.

he's changed and i don't like who he's become. he's not at all the man i fell in love with. he's mean, bitter and turned into an anti-social hermit practically. i can't be with someone like that. i'm so not those things.

I took my rings off. i never take these off so for me to take them off and put them away, means i'm serious about this. i haven't taken them off since we got married.

he needs to leave so i can go through what i need to go through and bounce back. know what i mean?

[Vautrin]

In a sense, I do know what you mean.

Has Gerry even noticed that you took your rings off?

[Star]

i have no idea if he noticed or not. if he did, he didn't say anything. i don't have a clue.

[Vautrin]

sorry to hear that as well.

It is hard to address any serious issue, when the two of you can't really talk about it.I can well imagine that not every moment is a fine moment for serious discussion, but does not mean the ostrich-policy will make the problems go away.

Have the two of you considered some form of marriage-counselling, or is he dismissive of that?

[PepsiChic]

its heartbreaking to hear that your marriage isnt working out star, but your happiness and well being is far more important. If your not happy you can hardly continue to make everyone around you happy. i think your doing the right thing for yourself, your kids and even Gerry.
good luck *hugs*

[Meanon]

I'm sorry to hear that star. But then from what you've said, this is your chance for peace and happiness and everyone deserves that. So I am happy for you too. It sounds like it's long overdue, like you I needed the certainty that it was the right thing to do for my kids before I could act. In retrospect I waited too long.

this was hard for me to write because i feel like a huge failure. i feel like i've wasted 19 years of my life with a man that probably wasn't the right one for me (we are total opposites). well, not right for me anymore i suppose.

No one person can sustain a relationship alone. It's no-one's fault. He has not been able to live up to his responsibilities to his family, you got tired and lonely. It's just a sad story, you did what you could but the fact that it wasn't enough is not your fault.

I found that the ending distorted my view of the whole relationship with my ex for a long time after I left. It caused a great deal of self blame and confusion. Now I have a more balanced view of our time together. Your 19 years were not a waste, star. Love is never wasted. You will see them differently in time.

Once you're alone you will have that much craved peace - I bet you begin to feel better straight away just from relief. This is the most difficult bit - stay close to your friends and family, have as much fun as you can to remind yourself of why this was necessary and of what's important in life. You're strong, you will bounce back soon.

[Duke]

Maybe you and tkdlady should come over to my place for a threesome

[TKDLady]

Originally Posted by Duke

Maybe you and tkdlady should come over to my place for a threesome

Don't tempt me like that Duke. I may just take you up on it some day!
(Not the threesome but the coming over part.)

[darkangelism]

riiiight, we all now what you ment, dont deny it.

[Star]

Originally Posted by Duke

Maybe you and tkdlady should come over to my place for a threesome

well, i'll skip the threesome but visiting BC sounds like fun. too bad i come with tons of bagage. LOL!!