Kicking when you're down

[dreamz]

Hi Everyone,
I have been contemplating what and how to deal with a situation. In June we lost our home, not in the sense that we could not pay. Let me go back a bit, my husband asked me to refinance our home in my name only, because I had great credit and he wanted to take cash out to pay bills or so I thought. One day in November husband informed me he has no intentions to pay our home mortgage. How and why would you do this?! It's going to be ok he said, I thought he was right since he got his advice from his brother the mortgage banker. I now deal with collectors, the county, the bank all asking me to come up with payment. I don't blame them. I tried to overlook this and tried to act like nothing, husband asked me to ask my mom if we can move in with her. No I said it's not that easy, we don't always agree.
Well I asked her and we moved in, and one little arguement, and he went to his mom's to cool off, but when he came back he told me he got a one bedroom apartment for himself. We are a family of five. I was upset about this, but he told me it was to save our family. We would visit him but had to go home, we all could not live there with him. He made it appearent that he wanted to be alone. We tried to get along, we got him a fathers day gift and each of us gave him a hug and a kiss. But he told me he went to the strip club and got a lap dance. All the while I was struggling to make ends meet. I had to sell some of my furnishings for food for our kids. He's now enrolled in a vocational college, and say's not his fault that there is no time for me, but all this is still to save our family, he said. I cried telling him I feel rejected and abandoned and hurt. His response "if you feel that way it's on you."
I started to notice his temper would get out of hand, and his family was aware of it too. But it was ok to them and would say oh that the family temper. He would argue in front of the kids, he shouted in my face shut your F****** mouth! I wanted to leave and he blocked my way out. I feel like I'm crazy because He's calm in front of others, but with me he's much different. He told me if I leave I'll never see the youngest one again, he swore he would take her away from me. This had both daughter and me sobbing. He told me I want this to work. He has always told me he wants this to work. I beged him for counseling and it did'nt happen now he want to go for counseling. But I have since hit depression, he said I still love you showed me tears, we got intimate a couple of times but it ends up the same. I still feel abandoned, hurt and confused. He told me just yesterday that he's mad at me for not doing my part to save our family. I am going to a therapist, can't say it's helping.
Is anyone going through this? Was I the one to blame? I feel like he's kicking me while I'm down, why is he fighting with me, I don't call him or bother him anymore. How can I continue this relationship? I need to know why? Thanks for listening.

[Duke]

OMG dreamz I'm really sorry for the torment you're going through.

I really wish I could give you some insight on this one but unfortunately I can't even think of where to begin. It almost sounds to me as if your husband has some type of psychological issues or perhaps a chemical imbalance because he's up and down and in all directions.

I really don't believe counseling will work for you as a couple given all the mixed signals he's giving you. I honestly believe that maybe he needs to go to counseling and find out exactly what is causing his abhorrent behavior.

I do worry for you kids because this really sounds like a poisonous environment for them to be exposed to. It's usually bad enough when parents split up but made even worse when their dragged inadvertently into the middle of the ugliness.

[sam]

Hello and welcome to life supporrters dreamz. I am really sorry to read about what you have been going through I know how it feels when the number one person who is supposed to love, care and protect you and your children is behaving like that. There so many words we can use to describe how hurt and abandoned we feel which leaves us wondering at the end of the day why this is happening to us. It is saddening, confusing and really painful but at some point in our lives as a mother and as a person there are situations and some people who will force us to make a stand.

There are a lot of people here who can be a good friend to you especially at this time in your life. People who will truly care for you and you can come to for advice or just listen to you when you need to talk. We will be here for you whenever you need us.

Little by little we hope to get to know you better. Little by little we hope that we can help. And everyday I wish you will have the strength that you need. You will get through this just like every problem that you have encountered in your life. Don't lose faith and remain strong.

[Luba]

Welcome to Lifesupporters dreamz! I'm sorry for your sad situation. We are here to listen and help in any way we can.

A few questions first. How many years have you been married? Have you noticed any sad, confusing, withdrawn behaviour on his part before this event happened? Did he have a job or was he unemployed? Were you both communicating well in the marriage, or did it just stop? How did you both deal with arguments when they happen? The reason I ask these questions is because there are usually some signs of dissatisfaction before a major event happens.

[Star]

Oh wow! I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. This has got to be stressful for you and the kids as well as depressing.

I'm wondering what's going on with him that you might not know about. a drug habbit, gambling, alcohol problem? his behaviour sends out a red flag.

keep strong for your kids; make them your rock and you will survive this.

big hugs,
Star

[xxALONExx]

Welcome to our little community. I am here because I, too, am going through a separation. I've found that this is an amazing place full of wonderful people who truly care and want to see you get through this.

I believe that the questions Luba asked are very valid and something that you need to look back into your relationship and answer honestly for yourself.

Having said that, I am so sorry that you are going through this. While my separation is awful and slowly killing me in it's own right I am lucky that my situation with my wife is not like this. It would be so easy for me to tell you that you deserve to be treated better than this and for you to cut your losses and run, but my own situation has shown me that is not always the best option.

There is not enough information available for me to suggest that your husband may have a psychological disorder, but I do believe that he needs some counseling. Couples Counseling would be wonderful for you two to work on salvaging your relationship, but it isn't going to get at the root of his problems. For that he needs to seek out individual therapy.

In addition to what Luba asked I would also ask how old your husband is and how old he was when you married him. This sounds like a crisis to me. The famous "midlife crisis" is real, but they can happen at any stage of life. It sounds to me like your husband may have deep seated anger issues, for which he needs treatment, but that he may have woken up one day and said "I'm X-years old, married, have several kids. Where has my life gone?" And rationalized to himself that he needed to live his life for himself.

Based on what you said earlier I don't think your situation is without hope yet. What you need to know is that these things happen. It isn't your fault and they are more common than you might believe. You need to be strong for your kids and do your best to keep life normal for them in this difficult time. You aren't alone because you found your way to this wonderful place. Keep posting and we'll keep supporting.

[TKDLady]

Hello dreamz. I am so sorry for your situation. My opinion is he needs to seek some type of help and until he does you should keep your distance but keep communication open. Minimize contact with him. I guess I don't have the patience for this type of thing. From the little bit you have said I would leave him but I really think there are big pieces missing so we need to fill in the blanks and go from there. I think Luba had some great questions. Keep coming and hopefully together we can work this out. And from what you have said so far, I don't see how you are to blame for this.

[splacipcu]

I accept: There is not enough information available for me to suggest that your husband may have a psychological disorder, but I do believe that he needs some counseling. Couples Counseling would be wonderful for you two to work on salvaging your relationship, but it isn't going to get at the root of his problems. For that he needs to seek out individual therapy.

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