A History Lesson (This gets personal)

Zil · 11-09-2007, 09:55 PM

So... I would like to begin with talking about my past.

I met my ex-wife in July of 1996. We hit it off instantly and we became best of friends in no time. We were always together and it was some of the happiest moments of my life. I asked her to marry me on November 10th, 1996, but didn't think I could afford a ring.. and she knew this. On November 11th, I actually got one during the day and that night I proposed to her - dropped to one knee and held out the opened box in front of her and she screamed and said, "Yes!".
Somewhere between then and our wedding on June 27th, 1997, she grew nervous and worrisome about getting married. Apparantly people were telling her it was the whole "cold feet" thing and everything went according to plan with the wedding. I was 20 and she was 18 when we were married. When we moved into our house and while I was working and she wasn't, she ended up talking far too much to the neighbors who consisted of two boys, age 16 and 17, and the 17 year old's father. Towards the end of the first month, I learned that she gave in to the 17 year old pursuing her to have sex with him and later that same day his father just walked into our house and raped her as well.
I was completely shocked and devastated and ended up staring off a huge bridge near our town down into the water below for what was about an hour, although the time passed seemed more like 10-15 minutes for me. I was frantic. I was heart-broken. I had never known such betrayal.
I was a fool and eventually decided to try to work things out with her. We moved in with my parents and stayed with them for a few months when we eventually got approved for a mortgage loan and bought a small, cozy little house of our own. She ended up working finally, too, but I later learned that she spread lies about me at her workplace and this ended up with people telling her their own opinions of me and what she should do based on her lies. I do not know how many times she cheated on me, but I do know there were many. When I say it's a miracle my kids are mine, I mean exactly that.
My son was born on March 29th, 1999. When he wasn't even a year old, she decided to leave. I told her, "You can leave our home if you so desire, but you are not removing our son from our home." I fought to keep him there and in court, they ruled that I had him during the week and she saw him on weekends. After a few months, she came back home and I took her back. (Although there was a voice in the back of my head that told me I shouldn't...)
Immediately, she was pregnant. The due dates the doctors kept playing around with never matched up to anything that seemed to point at the baby belonging to me. She assured me that it had to be mine, and since I had grown accustomed to her lying to me and could easily tell by this point when she was -- there was something in her eyes that caused me not to doubt her when she said this. I still didn't believe it until I saw my babygirl when she was born. Those poor kids.. with their big noses they got from their daddy. lol

My daughter was born on November 20th, 2000. During the summer of 2001, my ex-wife cheated on me once again and this was the last straw. She did leave and take the kids with her and I was lost more than ever... I barely sold the house before they foreclosed on it and moved 45 minutes away into an apartment with some very good friends of mine. During that year, I barely got to see my kids at all.

It was a very, very rough time in my life......
Towards the end of 2002, I got a call from the Department of Children Services saying that there were allegations that I had sexually abused my children.

I was on my cell phone on my way to work and nearly drove off the road when I heard this. I barely ever saw them as it was... My ex-wife had ended up with someone I knew was abusive from hearing things around town about him and my mind raced with possibilities and all I could think about was the movie A Time To Kill. All I could do was wonder if they were okay and I figured that it was probably a way for her to get me out of her life and keep me from my children for good. I told my friends I needed to move in with my parents back in the same county court proceedings had transpired in before and I did just that and re-filed for divorce and for custody of my children. This was early December of 2002.
On January 9th, 2003, my lawyer called and said: "Guess who I just got off the phone with? Heather... She said she will agree to everything you want, including the full custody. She said she is going out of state tonight and for you to come pick up the children immediately."
I fell backwards and fortunately landed on the couch in my parents' living room.
Shocked.
Joyful.
Amazed.
Disbelief.
Happier than any other moment in my entire life.
I went and picked them up at a house where the guy's sister lived, (the guy my ex-wife was with at the time). She wasn't there, and I was glad she wasn't.
I've had my kids ever since and because my ex-wife wasn't there, I truly do not know when the last time she saw them was. I have seen her in court a few times since then, and she owes about $10,000 in back child support. She has no legal rights to the children and if she ever wants to see them she needs to petition the court in order to get permission to do so. Even with the times I've had her in court for not paying child support, she has never once mentioned visiting with the kids.
She married that guy, also. They were married after he apparantly abused her and put her in the hospital twice and went to jail for it both times. They have two children together now as well. (I honestly don't see how she can call herself a mother to those two children at all with not being a mother to our children. I mean, never a phone call. Never a card. Never... anything.)
Anyway, as you can probably guess all three of us have been better off without her ruining our lives... but the fact remains that my children are missing that motherly influence in their lives, and I have also not dealt well with being alone all these years.......

Well, this will lead into my other post that is soon to come. For now, though, I am tired of typing. lol

I wanted everyone here to have a good understanding of me and the things I've been through and I believe this definitely gives a good basis for that.

Thank you all for your time.

Luba · 11-10-2007, 07:41 AM

Zil, what a difficult time you've had...it was heartbreaking to read! It is wonderful, however, that you chose not to end your life and you have your indredibly beautiful children with you now! You ARE a great father, and from all her mistakes, she realized not to keep hurting the children by keeping them with her. It is sad that she doesn't keep in touch with them...how are they dealing with that...do they talk about her and cry for her ever?

Vautrin · 11-10-2007, 11:19 AM

That is such a heart breaking story. But at least, the abuse is a thing of the past now, and your children are out of a very bad situation.

Zil · 11-10-2007, 11:44 AM

Well, my daughter has no memory of her biological mother and my son.. he remembers some but exactly what he remembers, I'm not sure. My mother tried to pray for her one night when she tucked them into bed while we lived with my parents for a short time a year ago and my son told her, "No! Don't pray for her..."

I've never spoken much of her at all but one time, a few years back now, some commercial on television sparked something and my son turned to me and said, "Daddy... I wish we had a Mom." I was very unsure of what to say because it was so unexpected, but I ended up spitting something out similar to this: "Well son... sometimes, both parents just aren't good or aren't good together..... So, don't you think it's a good thing to have one good parent instead of two who are always arguing and being mean to each other?" He thought for a moment, then he smiled at me and gave me a huge hug.

I decided a long time ago that I would never speak badly of her to either of them. I figured I'd let them decide for themselves as they grew up what they thought of her on their own, and as they get older and ask more and more questions, depending on the age and maturity level at the time I will answer everything as truthfully as possible.

I have stayed in contact with her family for their sake and I make sure that they see them as often as possible. I told them that my only "rule" was to never speak of their mother, and they have always abided by that. (She has no contact with her own family and hasn't for years now, too.)

Zil · 11-10-2007, 11:50 AM

The one thing I did leave out was that I had an emergency phone call on the job from the guy's ex-wife (the guy my ex is now married to). It happened around the same time that DCS called me.
She told me that my kids were living in filth and that I had to get them out of there. She spoke of him and told me that he basically thrived off of abusing women and children. She told me that he had held my daughter (who was almost two years old at the time) in the air by one arm and was spanking her bottom so hard that she was swinging back and forth in the air.

I saw red.
I was shaking.
I headed straight for the front door to leave work.
Fortunately, it was break time and a VERY good friend of mine stopped me and said, "Whoa..!!! HEY! What's wrong?!"
She talked me down and helped me to be more level-headed and told me to be sure I handled everything legally. If not for her, there's no telling what I might've done...

Luba · 11-10-2007, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zil

I've never spoken much of her at all but one time, a few years back now, some commercial on television sparked something and my son turned to me and said, "Daddy... I wish we had a Mom." I was very unsure of what to say because it was so unexpected, but I ended up spitting something out similar to this: "Well son... sometimes, both parents just aren't good or aren't good together..... So, don't you think it's a good thing to have one good parent instead of two who are always arguing and being mean to each other?" He thought for a moment, then he smiled at me and gave me a huge hug.

I decided a long time ago that I would never speak badly of her to either of them. I figured I'd let them decide for themselves as they grew up what they thought of her on their own, and as they get older and ask more and more questions, depending on the age and maturity level at the time I will answer everything as truthfully as possible.

I have stayed in contact with her family for their sake and I make sure that they see them as often as possible.

Your posting this brought tears to my eyes...how fortunate for the grandparents that you keep in touch with them also, and the children get to see them! How great it is that you don't speak badly of her to the children...so many parents do that once the marriage doesn't work out, it confuses the children and makes them feel badly as they are a Miracle from both their parents...you are really a GREAT Dad and a GREAT person!

darkangelism · 11-10-2007, 12:27 PM

wow, you have been through a lot, and it really sounds like you had the best intentions the entire time and in the end you have a good situation with your kids being safe and having a good life.

Zil · 11-10-2007, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luba

Your posting this brought tears to my eyes...how fortunate for the grandparents that you keep in touch with them also, and the children get to see them! How great it is that you don't speak badly of her to the children...so many parents do that once the marriage doesn't work out, it confuses the children and makes them feel badly as they are a Miracle from both their parents...you are really a GREAT Dad and a GREAT person!

Wow.. um, thank you.

I do try...

DA --> I have always strived to be sure my kids are happy and can enjoy life as much as possible. Doing so usually puts myself and my wants/needs/desires on the backburner but that's all part of being a parent. It's the toughest job in the world but it truly is the most rewarding.

TKDLady · 11-10-2007, 06:27 PM

I am sorry to hear such a sad story but glad to see you are making a happy life nonetheless.

PepsiChic · 11-10-2007, 08:21 PM

the past can be such a horrible cruel thing. im glad your moving on, and your doing the best thing for your children and thats great! be very proud of yourself for what you've achieved, because im sure when your children grow up they will realize that youd id everything with them in mind.

Zil · 11-17-2007, 07:00 AM

Well, I have always tried to do what is best for my children... but unfortunately, things don't always turn out how we think they will or how we would like for them to. That's just part of life.

I'm hoping to finally make the post today that I've been meaning to for a while now... The reason I sought out these forums in the first place......