Hi, new here

[Tryinghard]

hello...I am feeling frustrated and I do not have alot of support people around me. I hope that you do not mind if I unload here.

I separated from my husband 6 months ago after 15 years of marriage. It was not a decision that I made lightly, but it is one that I really should have made long before then.

We have two kids both under 12. I wanted to make the transition as painless for the kids as possible so I thought about my options. I was scared to death but I went to the bank and applied for a mortgage on my own. I got it! I was so happy. I bought our house and paid my ex his share of the equity we had built up. It brought me alot of happiness that I was able to keep some consistancy in my kids life and keep our house, the same school, friends, etc. I am truly blessed and thankful that I was able to do this because I understand that many other people are not in the position to do so.

It has been tough...very tough, there is very little money left over, but I do my best to make ends meet. My ex is not very helpful financially, he gives me 200 a month total for both kids. All this does is pays for 1/2 of the afterschool childcare...nothing else. He spends lot of time with the kids, and is great that way, but I really wish that he could understand that as good as that it is, it does not put food on the table. I do not want to rake him over the coals or bankcrupt him, I would just like for him to contribute a little more. He gets all upset and makes it seem like I am being unreasonable. We hav a 60/40 access arrangement with me 60, although at this time, he is living in his parents basement and virtually has no bills. The kids as a result are not there 40% of the time. He keeps saying that he has them 50% of the time and because of this he is incurring half of the expenses and that he owes me nothing else. I can understand once they do live with him p/t and he has to pay for their expenses, but right now he does not.

We have avoided going to court so far because we have been able to reach agreements on our own. I am thinking that I may have to go to court now.
I really cannot afford to go to court. I am one of those lucky lower middle class people that makes too much money for assistance, but not enough to really live on with two kids.

Anyways, thanks for reading, I just needed to get this off my chest, I had a bit of a tiff with the ex earlier and it set me off. He brought down my spirits a bit tonight and has made me feel a little less confident that I can do this on my own.

take care

[PepsiChic]

Hi Tryinghard, welcome to lifesupporters, with no support in other parts of your life, im sure you'll come to realize just how caring and supportive everyone here can be.

i dont really have much advice to give you myself on such a topic as divorce and child care, as i havent done either. But i will tell you, you seem an incredibly strong person to be able to deal with the problems you have with your ex husband in such a mature way.

Im sure that other people here that have dealt with similar experiences will be able to give you some support.

just keep telling yourself, how good a mother you are, because its quite obvious that you love and care for your children very much, and thats such an amazing thing to do, especially in the hard times, putting them first is something you should be proud of

good luck x

GG

[TKDLady]

First off, welcome to this wonderful family. You will find plenty of caring and supportive people here. As for you situation, don't lessen you confidence. You have done it this long and you will continue to make it with or with out his support. You are obviously a very strong person and I admire the way you both seem to have dealt with this in such a mature way. I hope you can work something out with him for the future in the same manner. Good luck and keep posting here. We all care and will do what we can for you.

[Aaron]

Just a thought though if right now you have the 2 children 60% of the time then shouldn't your ex-husband be paying for 40% of everything associated with the 2 children eg - schooling, food for children, clothing & entertainment weather they are with him at the time or not. Am I right or wrong in thinking that ? you 2 should sit down, work out costs for the 2 children and divide it according to visitation rights %.

[Meanon]

Hi Tryinghard. I separated a couple of years ago with 2 young kids and also had to get a new place. I live in the UK, here there is an agency that you can apply to instead of going to court and you can get an idea of how much you would be entitled to by using an online calculator. This way, we managed to sort finances out amicably, though there were many other issues that took longer to resolve. The amount is not very much, maybe this varies from country to country, but unless your ex is well off, you may not get much more even if you do go to court. They don't seem to start from splitting costs 50/50. They seem to start with a notional (very low) sum which is adjusted upwards/downwards depending on income and how many nights per year are spent where. I could have asked for more, but my ex couldnt afford it, so I stuck to the amount he'd have paid had we gone to court.

I would get some legal advice and keep a record of when they are with you in case of dispute. In all likelihood, you will be able to sort it out between you. Life is never easy in these circumstances, whatever is the best way through for you is best for the kids too. Unless one of you is particularly well off, compromises will probably have to be made. My ex did the sensible thing and bought again, a much smaller house. I've retained the same standard of living but have spent savings and am still renting. The main thing is we all get on. I wouldn't have believed that was possible at 6 months post separation. These early days are trying times, but they do get better

[IR_Efrem]

This is very hard topic to comment on, really it is.

So far as I know everywhere in the US (I dunno where you live) there is a minimum of child support that must be paid IF you have court ordered sole physical custody. If your arrangement is different then the rules will be different, How? I am not sure because that is one small point that differs from one state to another.

Support is also almost always based on a percentages game. So regardless of your expenditures or his (he lives rent free and this makes no difference to the courts) the court basically has a formula, they plug in your wages, his wages, figure out the time the children are spending here and there, then they come up with an amount. BE VERY CAREFUL if you make more money than him, especially if you make a lot more. You could end up paying him.

What is completely and totally fair is not always a consideration in the eyes of the court. If you truly want to make it so he has to pay you support then it will have to be a complete process and determination by the court. This includes 1 parent being the custodial parent, this does not mean he gives up on being a Dad though, and getting a regular child support order in place. Visitation must be set up per a court order and all dealings must be done through the court. I recommend doing this
Take into consideration what you call fair and remember what exactly the court considers as fair and the crap that is involved with court proceedings and think to yourself, is it all worth it. I've seen kids getting tossed into the middle of all this WAY to often. I hope, for your family's sake that all goes as peaceful as possible.

My example of peaceful, my fiance and her ex NEVER ask each other for a nickel and he supports the child almost %100. They are great friends and never ever put their son in the middle of anything. When he is here we provide for him, when he is at Dad's he provides for him. They are both super reasonable people and never argue about anything.

Now...... according to what the court would say is fair, he is the custodial parent, she should be paying her ex child support as well as a portion of doctors bills. They do not care about any of what the court says though and live their lives in complete harmony with one another in regards to their child. Both her and the ex have gone through hardships financially but never once said to the other one, you should help me out more because he is your son as well.....

I am not judging your situation but I have seen both sides and in between, there never seems to be a good outcome (in my experience) when the parents don't just drop everything and say, "my child is what is important here and nothing else"

If you both can't agree then the only real option is to let the court handle everything, that way there is no argument about any of it at all.

I apologize if I sound judgmental at all, that's not what I want to say here. I'm only going by what I have seen.

What is right for you is what you decide, and there really are only 2 choices. One is going to court, one is not. Either one is completely acceptable in my opinion. I really do believe that this particular choice must be made, go or don't goto court. Decide what you want and pick a course of action.

That's about all I can recommend. I really hope all works out very well for you and especially the children.