Head is in the Clouds

[<<Numb>>]

Hi all, I am not much of a writer so please bare with me.

2 days ago, i just watched my wife of 17 yr's drive away in a Uhaul with her things. It was the most painful day of my life. Watching her leave crying after saying goodbye tore a chunk of my heart out. She kept saying while hugging, Im so sorry, im so sorry... you see.. she loves me and never wanted to hurt me, but she doesnt LOVE me anymore. Those feelings are gone.

Heres a little history if you dont mind.

2 years ago I was fighting my own demons, one night I told her that I loved her but wasn't in love with her. She said after that she felt like someone blew out a candle in her heart. Her heart became hard. Im not much of a talker, especially when it comes to the really serious stuff in a marriage, I always shy away from it. Over the last couple years, my wife has tried to talk to me about her feelings, and that she wasnt happy. I told her she was being too dramatic and that things will work out, because they always had. She comes from a very disfunctional family, so she tends to get over dramatic about things that arent really that bad, so i guess after all these years, i have become numb to them. Im such an idiot.

A couple months back, she tells me her feelings have changed, and since i wasnt listening to her in the past when she was trying, she said she was too tired to try anymore, she didnt know if those feelings would ever come back. My feelings for her have changed. I love her so much, we are so alike, BUT I feel since my lack of communication skills I may have lost her forever now. I know I screwed up by not taking it serious. I feel so damn guilty. In that conversation with her telling me she thinks she's moving out, she tells me that she met a guy, that she had an emotional affair with. They didnt sleep together but they did kiss. She has since broken it off, knowing that what she was doing was wrong. I wasnt even angry about this guy.... i can't believe that, thats not like me or any other man for most part. I feel I drove her into his arms. I did it. Its my fault.

The last 2 weeks were very very tough, knowing the date that she was leaving. We tried to mask it over, talking and laughing about other things, but then would get all serious and quiet when reality would rear its ugly head. I really noticed the love was gone when I would hug her, or try to kiss her goodnight. It was so different from before. She would never turn me away, but she pretty much did with the feeling that I got. I miss so badly the contact with her. I miss so bad the times when Id be watching TV she would come over to hug me and kiss me on the cheek, telling my che loves me. To satisfy my craving i had to ask her to come here and give me a hug. And for those 4 seconds, Id smile, after 17 years we fit so well together. It was almost like torture hugging her, but I knew I had to get them now, because i dont think theres going to be any more.

So here I sit, in a fairly empty apartment missing my wife. Waiting for her to open the door and grab me just like in the movies, but I know, its not going to happen. As she was packing her stuff, I kept telling her to take all she could, ALL clothes, ALL stuffed animals, ALL knick knacks we have collected together because I didnt want to look at them when she wasnt here. In some sick twisted way, I am getting upset just seeing her hand writing on things, is this normal? How do I deal with the fact that everything in this apartment reminds me of her, and she's just gone, gone! I cant move, thats not an option right now. I just feel like my head is in the clouds, i cant concentrate, my eyes hurt from crying, my heart hurts, I miss her so much.

I do have a couple friends where I live, and Im greatful for them, but the second I step in the door, it all comes back ya know? I automatically look for her to walk down the stairs to greet me, because she would. Damn, I am at work right now and almost crying so I better stop.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, I hope someone will say something on here. I find men in general are brought up not to talk about there actual feelings, its weak, be a man kind of thing, but being an emotional guy, I feel I need to talk to someone, I need to communicate or else my heart will implode.

Thanks

[TKDLady]

First off, let me welcome you to Lifesupporters. You won't find a more friendly and caring bunch of people. I am sorry your wife and you are having these problems. I don't have much experience in this area other than when I was a shoulder for my girlfriend when her husband of 19 years left her. If walking into your apartment tears you up maybe you could spend a couple weeks with one of these friends, kind of figure out what to do. It might even be the best thing to move, change the scenery, get rid of all that reminds you of her or at least put it in an attic or storage unit until you can deal with it. You might want to consider seeing a counselor just until you feel more able to cope on your own. I wish I could tell you that I have been there but I can't. There are folks on here that can and I am sure they will help you with what they did and how they coped. I do know that things will get better. It may not seem like it now but time really does heal all. Good luck and keep us posted. You have definitely come to the right spot. We are a very friendly and helpful online family. I am sending you a virtual hug for now. Hang in there.

[NoTargeT]

I wish I could offer you some sort of help or advise, but to be honest I can't. But I hope just the fact that you could get things off your chest on here did help lighten your burden a bit.

I've been in a similar situation, but thankfully in a lot shorter relationship (4 years). Now my current wife is enjoying the things I learnt back then, communicating, not taking things for granted, all the things you're blaming yourself for in what you wrote above. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a 17 year long relationship with somone over this (about the same time I've known my current wife), and I can only appreciate the honesty in your words. As for that, you seem to be your own best advisor; you know where things went wrong, and you know what you should have done.

After my previous relationship went sour in an almost identical way as you describe above, I spent a bunch of months depressed and not really taking good care of myself. Then one day I got so sick of myself being like that, so I left the house we used to live in together and moved back to the town where I was born, chose a completely different line of work and made a completely fresh start. I just forced myself to start a completely new chapter in my life, and frankly other then killing myself slowely it was the only feasible option left. Looking back on it now it was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Sorry for the lack of advise, I can only offer you the questionable comfort of knowing that you're not the only one having made those mistakes. Frankly I think we all make these exact mistakes at some point in our lives. It seems all we can do is learn, and live our lives in a better way afterwards....

[Vautrin]

Don't chastise yourself too much. We all make mistakes, and noone is perfect. That is even under ideal conditions (when not constrained by worries over work, bills etc.). When battling demons, it becomes soo much harder.

I wish I had some words of wisdom. But 17 years is a very long time. It will not be easy to overcome this, as NT said. Perhaps you will find it helpful to put some of the stuff away. Or to write some of your thoughts down. Whatever works for you.

I wasnt even angry about this guy.... i can't believe that, thats not like me or any other man for most part.

I think this is telling in quite a few ways (please do not take this as a value judgment).

[IvyRose]

I'm sorry about what you're going through. Numb is a very good handle. I've felt that way before. I joked to a friend that I was 'The Walking Dead.' That's how I felt.

Just remember, it is no one person's fault when something like this happens. I think you're in shock and anger has not surfaced to where you can recognize it yet.

The only bit of advice I can give you is, time is the answer. Give it time.