The hardest moment of Divorce - Page 2

Stone · 01-06-2005, 12:19 PM

It's very unfortunate that BOTH parents have to work, but in this day in age there isn't much of a choice in the matter, it is nearly impossible to raise children, and plan for retirement, college, ect on one income.

Samson, I do think your wife should compromise, maby she can get a part time job to save for retirement or your are right you will be eating cat food. :? Please becareful IF you decide to get divorced, she COULD be intitled to 1/2 of your retirement savings already.

Merika · 01-06-2005, 12:28 PM

I think by law....she is entitled to half of everything....except finances gained by inheritance.

Both people in a marriage working is a choice they have to make based on what they want from their life. I can understand a mother of younger children not wanting to work. I would've lived in a hovel before I would've worked. I didn't end up having to live in a complete hovel....but we lived fairly meager. I didn't have a car either. I didn't complain or ask for additional funds....I wanted to stay home while the kids were younger.

However, if a couple choses together that they want a bigger house in a better neighborhood, multiple vehicles, savings and vacations....then both will probably have to to have a job.

It just depends on what their joint vision is. The trick is....both people involved need the same vision.

Stone · 01-06-2005, 12:54 PM

She is entitled to half of everything, I am not sure if she is intitled to alimony or not it depends on the state FLA is 10 years with no job. BUT she has an education and is more than qualified for a job so I am not sure Alimony would not be the case...

Samson · 01-06-2005, 01:16 PM

No our marriage is not based on our shared employment (We have been married for the past 10 years, while she hasn't worked).

It is based on a shared vision of our future.

I see no evidence that we have such a shared vision. The vision that we seem to have is more anagolous to that between slave and master rather than husband and wife.

So without sharing, I have my own, separate vision of freedom. Without her in this picture I anticipate paying 30% child support, but no "spousal maintainance" since, if she chose to, she could work. This is much less than the % I pay now. Of course the primium is paid for the privilage of seeing my kids whenever I wish (while I'm not working, which won't be much if I gotta take a second job).

Merika · 01-06-2005, 03:02 PM

Beyond the 30% though....there is insurance, life insurance, deductibles, school events, summer camps and a variety of other goodies a lawyer can smack you with unless you have a good attorney yourself.

Not all women go that route and I'm not sure that I think it's fair at all to leave a man with scant little to continue his life on.....but some women do. Given past history....yours may be prone to take it to the limit for benefits.

You may have to pay her alimony until she can 'find' a job. The courts would probably give her some reasonable time between 3-6 months.

I never got a dime. I'm such an idiot.

Meanon · 01-06-2005, 05:50 PM

No you're not. You did what you had to.

Our conversations are much more heated than that, Samson, which is kind of interesting as we usually avoid conflict. Maybe that's why. Not quite in your territory, Merika :wink:

Merika · 01-06-2005, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meanon

Our conversations are much more heated than that, Samson, which is kind of interesting as we usually avoid conflict. Maybe that's why.

Do you think if you guys had addressed the conflicts early on that it may have changed the end result?

Duke · 01-06-2005, 10:39 PM

I always just glazed over the whole experience and never talk about it much, it was the lowest point in my life though and the only time in my life where I seriously considered suicide.

Samson · 01-07-2005, 07:48 AM

I assume by "heated" you mean emotional? Of course, I've not conveyed all the nuances of emotion within my post, but I agree that we do have much less heated conversations now than we used to have.

For me, the heat is simply gone. I do not care enough to become terribly passionate over the issue either because I'm resigned to my fate either with or without marriage: Live, Die, Turn to Dust.

Meanon · 01-07-2005, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Do you think if you guys had addressed the conflicts early on that it may have changed the end result?

Unlikely, given that we got nowhere when I did try. Maybe if I was more aggressive, more persistent, I could have got through while there was still a chance.

Quote:

I assume by "heated" you mean emotional?

I didn't mean emotional. It just struck me that you were talking about the things related to your immediate situation - kids, love (or lack of it), employment. That's probably because you've talked lots over time, including in counselling.

Merika · 01-07-2005, 05:14 PM

I think a person can talk until they are blue in the face and still not fix what is broken. If the other party didn't listen to begin with....then why would they even begin to understand now when the propect of saying it to them 'in loving terms' is pretty much over?

Meanon · 01-07-2005, 05:29 PM

I agree with you to some extent, Merika. You know when something is broken beyond repair. I've found it is possible to get a greater degree of understanding (if not acceptance) if there is a major shift in the dynamics, as has happened with us. As you say, talking can only achieve so much, particularly when you've spent years not listening to each other.

Star · 01-07-2005, 05:54 PM

I was watching Dr. Phil today and today's show was about working on marriages. He says that marriage is like a school report card. For example, you can get an A in romance and a D in listening skills or C in respect, etc... what counts is the overall grade which in most marriages aren't that great. What marriages in trouble need to do is figure out in which "department" of the marriage that the trouble is and start from there. He also said that it doesn't always have to be both parties working on the marriage together at first. One can start by changing a little something about themselves and the feedback will take its course from there.

He had a couple on there today that were married for years, fell into some financial difficulty, seperated then divorced and now they're back to be married again. Which is amaizing! The husband left the wife and kids. The wife decided to make some changes for herself so that maybe she can win his love back again. She did that and she won him back. It wasn't her physical changes that did it, it was her change of heart. She changed her whole behaviour patern towards issues and it worked.

It is possible to work on things even if you "think" you're not in love anymore. Chances are you still in love and just need to find the spot in the marriage that needs to be worked on.

I love Dr. Phil. Watching his shows has helped our family in some situations.

Samson · 01-08-2005, 03:23 PM

Based on your description of the show, star, and Delilah's recent attitude changes, perhaps she saw it also:

Last night she visited me, performing certain acts that would not be appropriate to describe on our family friendly forum. Suffice it to say, that most married men complain that this behavior usually ceases almost immediately after marriage. Frankly, I also had thought this common belief was true.

Meanon · 01-10-2005, 04:46 PM

That was a show stopper, samson 8O

When the going gets tough, I can cope if I have some degree of emotional control. For that I need a plan, even if I change it 20 times as the situation evolves. What I can't handle, in the face of the day to day pressures, is doubt and uncertainty.

We've had a very rough start to the year - shock, anger, hatred, distressed children. I'd never have chosen this route (too much the coward

) but it was for the best as it followed a year of denial and talking wasn't working. I coped really well. There is now the beginning of understanding and acceptance.

To achieve this I've had to sacrifice some of my coping mechanisms. I've also made it clear I will allow the time necessary for the situation to settle. Appeasement.

Now that the crisis has passed, I'm finding it more difficult again. I think it's because I'm no longer sure if what I am doing is wise, or if my aspirations are realistic.

To those of you who have had a conflict over the kids (resolved amicably or otherwise) -

Did allowing time to come to terms with the situation help?

Is it unrealistic to expect an amicable outcome when there has been this degree of conflict?