A different thought.....

Merika · 05-04-2005, 06:59 PM

I was reading the thread on 'people's perceptions' of you and DA mentioned a person cheating on you.

WHEN a person cheats on you or misleades you.....what IS their perception of you? Do they think you are stupid, naive, vulnerable, will forgive them for anything or what? Or do you think they think of none of these things....they are only thinking about their own personal gratification by getting your attention?

Star · 05-04-2005, 09:30 PM

I think the person doing the cheating is out for his or her own needs. I think they're very selfish people who think of nobody but themselves. I don't think they stop and think about who they're hurting. They just live for the moment then maybe, just maybe feel a little guilt afterwards.

Guilt. that's where the blaming comes into the picture. The cheater feels guilty so now he or she has to blame the person they are committed to so they can justify their behaviour. This makes themselves feel better about what they have done so the guilt goes away.

Cheaters are extremely selfish people IMHO.

darkangelism · 05-04-2005, 09:40 PM

cheaters are bad, i dont think i would stay with someone who cheated on me nor would i except someone to stay with me if i cheated on them. Id like to say i wouldnt cheat, but realistically id prolly do it if the opportunity presented itself.

Star · 05-04-2005, 10:14 PM

I have never cheated on anyone in my life and never would cheat. opportunity or not. I respect my husband too much for me to go out there and cheat on him. I wouldn't want him to do that to me therefore, I will not do that to him. Ever.

If I wasn't a happily married woman, then I would get a divorce before i would even consider being with another man. It's all about respect and selflessness. People owe their partners at least the respect of breaking it off instead of cheating. JMHO.

Duke · 05-04-2005, 11:54 PM

I cheated on many of my girlfriends and don't believe it made me a bad person, just unfaithful.

I haven't cheated on a gal in a while and am past that stage in my life. My cheating stemmed from low self image and I was amazed that women were attracted to me.

Stone · 05-05-2005, 05:54 AM

I `used to say I'd never cheat untill this last relationship, I cheated on Greg ALOT I don't think It makes me a bad person & I wasn't intentionally being selfish. We have MAJOR bedroom and intamacy problems due to his own personal problems so I went elsewhere to get fulfilled. I still loved him and felt bad afterwords

Rock · 05-05-2005, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merika

I was reading the thread on 'people's perceptions' of you and DA mentioned a person cheating on you.

WHEN a person cheats on you or misleades you.....what IS their perception of you? Do they think you are stupid, naive, vulnerable, will forgive them for anything or what? Or do you think they think of none of these things....they are only thinking about their own personal gratification by getting your attention?

I do not think we can read anyones mind so we never know about "perception."

We can conclude that because the person "cheats" that they are not receiving from you what they need. Maybe at one time they did, but now they don't. In economics we have studied the "Law of Diminishing Returns." Basically, the more you receive of something the less value it has.

I think some people believe that in giving the same amount of emotional commitment over time then it will continue to be valued the same way it was in the beginning as it will be in 1, 5, or 10 years, This is an unrealistic expectation for many people. Again in Economic terms the Law only applies to "rational" behavior. So rational people can be expected to value emotional commitment less and less as they receive more and more of it.

darkangelism · 05-05-2005, 10:55 AM

stone if you had those issues then why did you stick around? You wouldnt have ended up pregnant then

Adonaicole · 05-05-2005, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Guilt. that's where the blaming comes into the picture. The cheater feels guilty so now he or she has to blame the person they are committed to so they can justify their behaviour. This makes themselves feel better about what they have done so the guilt goes away.

You are so right. When this happened to me, I was mystified why the person doing the cheating was angry at me. But I don't think the guilt goes away, not until they ask for forgiveness.

Meanon · 05-05-2005, 06:56 PM

I think it varies enormously, Merika. Sometimes they think they can get away with it, sometimes there's a problem in the marriage and that's their way of dealing with it, sometimes it's more about them than about their marriage.

There's different types of affairs. Some are just sexual, others are emotional too. The feelings for the spouse may vary depending on the type.

Whatever the circumstances, I suspect that the person is not emotionally in tune with their spouse when infidelity occurs.

twinkle · 05-05-2005, 08:05 PM

Cheaters and misleaders... we could brighten up the concepts and put on nice stuff to polish the rotten trut which is that they only care about themselves.

They are the ones having issues, it's almost never the other person. It's a certain situation they're facing, a certain fear, dare or temptation. And wheather they're doing it to prove something to somebody else or to themselves, they're simply trying to have their cake and eat it too. That's the simple truth. Some spouses will close their eyes and fake their being knowledgeable. Others are forced to face reality.

The affair may be about attention. But only when the spouse is a workoholic or something. Usually it's only about selfish needs being met. Period. Those people are not thinking as if they were in a couple, that's the point. Act like you're alone, you GET ALONE!

Duke · 05-06-2005, 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkangelism

stone if you had those issues then why did you stick around? You wouldnt have ended up pregnant then

She still would have been pregnant, only it would have been mine then ;-)

Vautrin · 05-06-2005, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rock

I think some people believe that in giving the same amount of emotional commitment over time then it will continue to be valued the same way it was in the beginning as it will be in 1, 5, or 10 years, This is an unrealistic expectation for many people.

Humans are by no means rational beings, and economics is by no means a fully rational science. But Rock has an extremely valid point in that a lot of people, for whatever reasons, think that way subconsciously. And of course that affects the ways in which they act.
From the people I know, that is what happens in a lot of relationships.

As for cheating, there are a plethora of causes for that, and most often it has nothing to do with the betrayed partner. It will be taken as something personal.

What the cheater thinks can be both for his / her gratification, as thinking of his / her own partner as someone who is stupid or naive. I guess the latter is more dominant in the case of affairs, than in the case of a one night stand.

twinkle · 05-06-2005, 07:53 AM

[quote="Vautrin"]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rock

What the cheater thinks can be both for his / her gratification, as thinking of his / her own partner as someone who is stupid or naive. I guess the latter is more dominant in the case of affairs, than in the case of a one night stand.

As I've seen it, the cheating party thinks NOTHING of the cheated partener. All they are thinking of is self gratification. In NO MOMENT were they thinking about the couple, because if they were, they'd have at least imagine the consequences.

You say they do it because they subevaluate the partner. I say they're doing it and hope to get away with it. It's not a mind game. It's more of "I broke a glass, I'd better throw the pieces in time before mome gets home".

Unfortunately, the emotional scars are always there. That's why it hardly ever works. As an exemple, men can say a hundred times "oh, it's just sex", it's never just about sex.

Vautrin · 05-06-2005, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkle

That's why it hardly ever works. As an exemple, men can say a hundred times "oh, it's just sex", it's never just about sex.

I would never say "it is just sex." But I would never cheat. Even with all the problems I suffer from, that is something I am certain of. I know a few women with exactly the same attitude, so the attitude is not restricted to one sex.

And remember it is an excuse, how lame it may be. There does not exist "(it's) just sex." You don't have "just sex" with your bf/ gf /husband / wife.

You don't get accidentaly involved in a longstanding affair. An affair is about the projected shortcomings of the betrayed partner. But how big the role is of the betraying partner in creating these shortcomings, that is the question, and often one the betraying partner is unwilling to answer in the face of either partner.