devastated

[newstart]

An update on the custody battle.

I really don’t know what to do. I went through the custody evaluation, and things didn’t go well. The first thing was that the guy seemed to be accusatory the first time he contacted me by phone. I expressed my concerns to my lawyer, but he said to just cooperate with the evaluator. I was advised not to bash my ex, and also not to say anything unless I had proof to back myself up. Well, I just got the custody evaluation report yesterday, and it was not good at all. First of all, my ex made many statements about me that weren’t even close to being true, and many others that were twisted beyond belief. It’s obvious that he didn’t provide any type of proof since there’s no way to prove something that never happened. It seemed that anything he (the ex) said was just accepted as being the truth. Second, it’s obvious from the wording of the report that the evaluator was biased – just one example, he wrote that the children told him about activities that the children “enjoyed” with their father, but then said that they mention “doing things together” when asked about time with me. He also made a big deal about my ex’s larger house (he actually wrote about it being “on the grounds of what was obviously an estate”). I was told that money wasn’t supposed to be an issue (I have a nice house and provide for all the children’s needs – I’m just not rich). Third, there were many many things I didn’t add into my paperwork because I didn’t think that I could prove them in court. There were things that I included (I printed out some email exchanges), but didn’t put in specific explanations because I thought it would be construed as “bashing” my ex. I figured I’d let my ex’s words tell their own story.

I’m leaving soon to meet with my lawyer. I’m not sure how this is all going to go. I felt (as I expressed to my lawyer before) that things weren’t going well, and that I was being misinterpreted. I was definitely right with all of my concerns.

There’s so much more to it, but I can’t put everything here. I just feel so unsettled now.


newstart

[Luba]

How unfair and unjust! I hope your lawyer could help you today! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[TKDLady]

Good luck with your lawyer. Might be time to look into a new lawyer if he isn't helpful.

[Vautrin]

Get your lawyer more involved.


I know of people who got convicted by extremely shoddy police work, being sentenced for facts that did not happen. And they even had a decent lawyer; it is just that the judge was not interested to corroborate the facts.

The problem with custody evaluation services is that the people working there often have their own ideas of what is going on. And it seems that the idiot who went to your ex, was for one reason or the other impressed by him.

DOCUMENT everything. Go even as far to record what the evaluator says and writes to you, to have a case that he is is not doing his work properly. Judging by the examples you listed, that may well be the case.

And to be honest, if he is going to make up facts, feel free to bash your ex in any shape and form that you can prove; email exchanges, the facts that you have reported repeatedly to people; everything.

[CONFUSED]

Please get your children a GUARDIAN AD LIEM. That is a person who speaks on THEIR behalf.If you are close to your children then that will come out to everyone. Remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! Trust your children!

[TKDLady]

I have a friend who is the director of the Guardian Ad Litem program here and it would be a good thing to go to your local courthouse and find yours. They have unbiased people go to the homes of both parents and help the legal people determine who should get custody. They are unbiased. They are there only for the children. Please go visit with the one near you.

[newstart]

The meeting with my lawyer went fairly good yesterday. He was stunned by the report - said they've used this evaluator many times over the years. He told me he actually woke up at 3:30 yesterday morning, and was tossing and turning over this. However, he did give me some hope. I am absolutely allowed to present my case in court - not just challenging everything my ex said, but also being able to mention/show all the things I thought I shouldn't to the evaluator.

My ex is VERY good at putting on a good front when he meets people, and he also lives in a huge, expensive house. The house I live in costs less than half as much. He also has the "Dr." in front of his name. Not only that, but he went to see the guy two or three times before I went once.

It wasn't just my lawyer who advised me against bashing my ex - everything I read anywhere else said the same thing. "Let your ex do the bashing - it will make him or her look petty" - things like that.

Anyway, I have quite a bit of work to do now - we have to go to court in a few days..... I just wanted to stop by briefly to see what everyone had to say. Now I want to thank everyone yet again for their support and encouragement.

newstart

P.S. all prayers are welcome, needed, and highly appreciated

[TKDLady]

Stay strong. Things will work out. We are here for you.

[Luba]

I'm glad your lawyer had positive things to say! To have a lawyer admit he awoke early and was worried about you, proves that the reputation they have been given isn't all true.

Wishing you all the best, and good people DO win!

[newstart]

Thank you so much for your concern and support. I went to see the lawyer again, and feel somewhat better now. First of all, we got a continuance, which means more time to prepare (I was definitely not ready to go tomorrow). Second of all, my lawyer (and my husband and I) thought of some really good things to mention when we do go to court. There are some inconsistencies in the evaluation report that we can bring up, as well as some other issues, that will definitely work in our favor. Nothing is definite, but at least it doesn't seem quite so grim either.

For now, I just want to get a nap - I'm exhausted. More updates will probably be a while. I'm just going to continue to scrutinize the report and make notes for my lawyer. And try to relax and catch up on my sleep.

newstart

[TKDLady]

I am glad you have some positive things to go on. Hang in there.

[Duke]

Why is it that manipulative people are usually the ones that seem to get away with murder? I really hope there is some truth to "what goes around comes around" because I can think of several people who deserve nothing but misery giving the crap they put people through.

I'm sorry for what your going through newstart but I do think the truth will make it's way to the forefront and assuming it does your ex will have only shoveled sand on his own coffin.

[newstart]

Thank you for the kind words.

I think one thing that really bothers me is how he won't let me 'move on' completely. I try to ignore him and not let him bother me, but it's difficult to do. He will pick days when he will send me several email messages and/or call me several times. Often, he'll make accusations that I have to either ignore or dispute. He filed a report with child services, even, accusing me of child abuse (it was determined to be 'unfounded'). He wrote to his lawyer with all types of (false) allegations that I needed to address. He filed for emergency custody last year, and now we're in a 'regular' custody battle. How can you forget about someone who won't leave you alone? I know he has his problems, and I try not to let his problems become my problems, but I don't know what to do. I'm trying to focus on getting a job, but I keep getting side-tracked with all of this legal BS. Not only is it complicating my life, but it's outrageously expensive. Let's just say I could buy a new car for what I've spent on legal bills in the past year (and a nice car, at that).

Trust me, I understand now the dynamics of the relationship I had with him. He is a control freak who had me more or less brainwashed. Of course I didn't realize the extent of it until after I moved out. I'm happy with the progress I've made, and how I've learned to stand up for myself. If I could just get him to leave me alone, I think I'd be fine.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with someone who continually harasses you?

Thank you
newstart

[newstart]

Oh, and trust me, if it wasn't for the children, I would block his calls and emails, and completely ignore him. I'd most likely (depending on finances) sell my house and move faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away. Well, if it wasn't for the children, I would've moved far away a long time ago. I also would've walked away from him years ago.

newstart

[TKDLady]

I wish I knew how to help you. Have you checked into the Guardian AdLitem program in your courthouse? That might help. I hope you find a way to deal with him and put him in his place.

[Luba]

I googled dealing with harassment from ex-husband and there are quite a few websites. The Laura Benjamin one may help.

[Duke]

Originally Posted by newstart

Oh, and trust me, if it wasn't for the children, I would block his calls and emails, and completely ignore him. I'd most likely (depending on finances) sell my house and move faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away. Well, if it wasn't for the children, I would've moved far away a long time ago. I also would've walked away from him years ago.

newstart

I feel exactly the same way as my ex. I believe her to be a very judgmental and over opinionated person that should put time into fixing her issues rather than finger point at everyone around her.

This above all is one of the traits I'm most concerned about my daughter adopting so I'm making damned sure that if a finger is ever to be pointed, it should be pointed inward first. While it's true there are rotten people out there who don't deserve your time one cannot adopt the belief that everyone is this way; to do so means you may be ignoring your own shortcomings.

Just keep an eye on the kids and discuss abhorrent behavioral patterns with them. You can do so in a manner that is not slanderous to your ex which can be a benefit as it may be ground you'd never thought to cover without the help of your ex being a tard.

...at least that's how I choose to look at it.