Depression brought about by seperation

[TZummer]

First thing I want to say, is that I don't know if this is the correct forum since there isn't a specific depression forum anywhere, but since it was brought upon by seperation in a relationship, I figured I'd throw it here.

Okay, now for the post.

I know I'm not the first person for this to ever happen in, because that's a statistical impossibility, but I am also the first person I have observed having it happen, so I don't really know who to talk to about. I have trouble talking to my parents about it, when I was once able to talk to them about anything and everything, but I'll start from the beginning of the story.

On November 4th, 1999 me and Carrie, my now ex girlfriend began dating. It was love at first sight, and I still hold many feelings for her as she was my first true love. This was my senior year of high school though, and only her sophmore year, so soon after graduation we were destined to be apart. I moved away for school eventually, but we talked about it and decided we fealt strongly enough towards each other that a four hour drive couldn't truly seperate us. We continued stongly in our relationship for another two years until she went off to school and increased the drive to another hour, no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Around this time last year, I decided I was going to pop the question, and made it my goal to find a ring to give to her on her birthday in January. Well, I was fooling myself, and I can see that now looking back upon it, but on December 30th 2003 we parted ways deciding that our lives were headed in two seperate directions, and even though we were still in love, our lives wouldn't permit us to stay together just because we wanted different things, and neither of us would have been truly happy.

Anyway, that's the whole lead up into what I've been going through for a while. I am a very social person, yet I do not lead a very social life. I get extremely depressed and suicidal when I am seperate from those I know. I first realized this two summers ago while I was working as an Intern and living alone. I begin seeking therapy and medication for it then. Eventually I was taken off the medicine when I moved back to people I knew until the break up took place. Since then I've been placed back onto the meds, and been visiting a psychologist, but I am constantly plagued by feelings of depression that limit my capabilities of functioning as a human being. I barely have a life of any sort anymore and I am starting to see an impact in my school grades and my performance in other areas as well. I can think back, and can remember the last time I had a happy day to being over two years ago now. I am at a loss to the reason I am alive, and I feel like I have no purpose in life. I am currently not suicidal like I have been in the past, but I have difficulty reasoning out my existance as a person.

I feel as if I will never meet a person I can feel the same way with, and now that the holidays are approaching, and that dreadful December 30th anniversary of our breakup, things are not getting any better.

The medicine I have helps with the depression, but it is the third type I've been on and the side effects never quite agree with me. The worst problem being that I now have Insomnia at night, and am constantly lethargic during the day, but this could be as much due to the medicine as it is to the depression. We just haven't found a type that works for me.

I really don't know why I fealt like posting all of this, but I do feel talking about it to anybody, does make me feel a bit better about it in the long run so I don't ever pass up a moment to discuss it where I feel it fits.

[Duke]

First and foremost T, I'm really glad you shared this. I've known you for about two years and never would have guessed the troubles you were going through. I do remember a post back on Wolf some time ago about you and your gal calling it splits but never dreamed it had the effect on you that it has.

If you don't mind, I'm going to take some time to respond fully to your post as I want to give it some thought and qualify my response. The only thing I can offer at this time is that you are NOT alone. I too considered suicide at a time when my daughter was just born and my ex and I were really having troubles. I had my own end planned to the smallest detail and have no doubt that I'd be dead today if it wasn't for certain circumstances changing my mind.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing this part of yourself. The people here are very helpful and understanding and really give you a sense of caring and closeness. I'm sure there will be more responses from the other members so just keep an eye on the topic.

[Merika]

Awww TZummer....I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed.

I had an emotional breakup a couple of years ago at Christmas and I can totally sympathize with how you are feeling. You just don't get over someone as quickly as you would like to. The longer you were together....the harder it is. You've got to give it the time to heal and time for you to see beyond where you thought that relationship had the potential of going.

I can tell you that as time moves along.....you do begin to look back and see the relationship in a different light. You'll one day be able to see where it wouldn't have worked due to any number of reasons. It's just hard to see that clearly when your heart is blinded in a numb pain.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. When you are ready, you'll meet someone else and share a better love. You'll have children, a career and a whole new bunch of dreams together.

Till then though....I won't minimize how you are feeling. It hurts like hell. For now, you aren't over your first love.....you are just learning how to live without her. And only time.....will get you to the other end of that.

Take care of yourself....take your meds....see a therapist if needed...post till you get it all off your chest....and know that there are people who care.

Hang in there my friend......
Merika

[Duke]

I've had a little time to ponder your post T and I have to ask you a few questions.

1) First and foremost, you give reference to the fact that you both decided your lives were headed in different directions and decided to call it off. Assuming I'm reading this correctly, I'd say it sounds as if it was a decision you both actually came to and agreed upon amicably. I don't believe this is the case. I actually wonder if it wasn't something that had crossed your mind but was actually mentioned, agreed and acted upon primarily from your ex. Can you please elaborate?

2) How do you feel about women and how they view you?

3) Do you have low self esteem, a low number of friends, confidence issues, etc?

I hope the above questions don't read as badly as I think they do, I'm only asking so I can see the picture more clearly. You make mention of some pretty intense feelings and emotions but lay no groundwork as to why you feel them.

I'm also wondering if this is the only time you've considered your own mortality. Is this the event that started it all or have there been other times and other situations since or before?


Question period over.

Now onto some simple facts of life as I perceive them and what has worked for me. As Merika states, you aren't the first and will certainly not be the last person who feels this level of depression over the loss of a mate. Consider the pregnant mother who loses her mate in a tragic accident, the wife and mother who finds out hubby is cheating (or vice versa), both after many years of marriage or false bliss. Try and imagine what they face or soon will face and involve equity, children, immediate family and in-laws.

I broke up with a gal 10 years ago and never meant to go back but that all changed after a phone call announcing she was pregnant. Of course the baby was mine so I did the right thing, put my life in a vault, locked it and played dad/hubby. That all came crashing around me when we finally split for good (my daughter was one or so at the time), and really hit home when I found a love letter from her now husband. I'd be lying to you T if I didn't say that was Ken at his lowest point in life. I was confused, hurt, angry, etc., name the emotion, I had it and more.

It took me a long time to deal with the pain. The first 6 months immediately after the split had me crying myself to sleep at night. I got over it eventually and then it started up again after finding the love letter. It's been 9 years now since it happened and it's left scars behind that will never truly heal. I have learned from them though, not to say the situation may never come again, but should it, I will be better prepared.

I've not dated seriously over the past decade. Prior to that, the longest I'd ever been without a girlfriend was about 2 weeks (maximum) as there was always a woman around. I had suicide in my grasp, had a plan, had a spot and a great chance for success with no pain, no discomfort, no awareness, just pass out and never wake and likely never be found either.

Two big reasons I chose life. The first being two little windows to a purely beautiful soul in a sweet little baby named Paris. The other was I looked into the eyes of a jumper on the Steelworkers Memorial Bridge here in Vancouver minutes before he jumped to his death. I made eye contact, I saw him and I saw him inside by looking at a face so contorted in pain that I may as well have been looking into his stomach. The abandon, hopelessness, and surrender I saw in that face haunts me to this very day and will stay with me till the day I die.

You want to know the worst part T, it's all bull****! You FEEL alone but are NOT alone. If you can't talk to your family then something tells me they aren't fully aware of how deep your issues are. I think they need some education, perhaps sit in a therapy appointment with you. As for the meds, statistical evidence shows us that anti-depressants and similar medications usage is on the rise and has been over the past decade for an abundance of reasons. I even took them for a short while but found they leveled off mood swings by sapping energy both mentally and physically so I stopped taking them and dealt with the problems head on.

What I did, which may or may not work but I'd consider it.

1) Take a good look in a mirror and figure out who T really is. What is the good, what is the bad, how can you change the bad or mold it to work for you as good?

2) Despite what everyone says, alone time is important but should not be all there is. You MUST socialize. By socialize I mean get the hell out of the house as the internet isn't gonna do it for you in this case.

3) Talk, talk and talk some more to those close to you. Don't bitch and moan because nobody wants to hear that over and over. Self pity will not help you heal, sorry but it's a fact.

4) Force yourself to smile. This may sound so stupid it hurts but it does work. Smile and the world smiles with you, frown and you do so alone.

In relationship matters, healing also can come from the arms of another partner. It's sad but also very true. No matter how great your last girlfriend was, she pales in comparison to someone else out there you have yet to discover. If that wasn't true then everyone would marry and stay true to their first love.

I could ramble on but this is enough for now and I'm starting to preach. Who am I trying to kid; I've been doing it all along?

T, I'm not sure of your situation there, but I know you have friends here. This is a great community and we all care, I know I do. All of the above is based off of a number of painful experiences in my life that had a part in who I am today. I think of myself as a fun loving guy with a reasonably good sense of humor, good reasoning skills, strong family values yet I'm cocky, insulting, quick witted and temperamental which is the mask I wear to veil my self esteem issues and low self confidence. I know these things as the years have made me face them head on. Now that I know and have been honest with myself I can improve upon who I am and be at Peace with Ken. It is this process that will help you find who you are T, I'm sure of it.

If you throw the above babble against the wall and none of it sticks then so be it. The one message I want to relay that I know is right is that Suicide is not the answer.

[dogula]

I had a cousin that shot herself in the temple with a .22 rifle soon after her parents . She ended up living, but it took her a year and a half to recover and is about graduate from a university. I think she did that to herself when she was a freshman in high school, I remember rather vividly that I was in fifth grade. My brother woke me up and asked me how many people I knew with her first name. I was in a groggy state but he got around to telling me that it was my cousin who had shot herself the afternoon before. I also remember my aunt (not the mother of my cousin) came over to my house.

They asked me if I was alright to go to school that day, I said yes. It wasn't until a few minutes after they had dropped me off that it really sank in what had happened at which point I was a bit of a wreck. I ended up being picked up within an hour or two and spending a few hours at my house with my sister while my parents were at the hospital. They came back that evening and there was a fair amount of crying.

Over the next few weeks I went to the hospital several times (it was at the U-M hospital, about 60 or so miles away). Though I never saw her since she was in the ICU and I was younger than 14 and not allowed in. It was probably a few months after she shot herself that she was in a normal hospital room (though I think she had brain surgery several times after that), and it was then that I saw her for the first time after this. I don't remember saying much to her aside from saying that I love her. But the thing I really do remember is that half of her head being shaved and the staples running down one side of her head.

But the thing that I remember about this was all the grief it had caused in the family, and I guess that what I'm trying to say about suicide is that it is not only an easy way out as I see it, but it is also a rather selfish act. It not only kills you but it damages everyone else who is close to you.

[dogula]

Speaking of her parents getting divorced, that guy was a real dick. After she shot herself he said it was a cry for help because she grabbed her brother's .22 instead of the shotgun.

[Meanon]

TZ I'm glad you are talking about how you are feeling, that's a good sign. Many people feel the way you do, you're not alone.

The first thing that strikes me is that, for you, the beginning of the story is the beginning of your relationship with Carrie. Your problems began while you were with her. So although you may find the loss of her love very difficult, it's not the ending of this relationship per se that's the cause of your current difficulties. I think it's important to remember that. We have a tendency to try and hang all our troubles on one peg and it's often not the answer. Having said that, any major stress, like a break up or an anniversary of one, will be harder for you to handle so do take care and seek the comfort of friends at times like these.

Please do persist with trying to find the right type of medication and therapy for you. There are so many types out there and what works best varies enormously from person to person. It does take time, careful supervision and several attempts to get it right in many cases. It's hard to be persistent with the medical profession when you feel this bad but please do keep trying. If you do I guarantee you will find a treatment that works for you and you will feel better.

I know you are not suicidal at the moment but the feelings of hopelessness you talk about are symptoms of illness. Please go back to your Doctor to discuss how you are feeling. If that doesn't work, ask for a referal to a specialist.

Stick with it TZ, you will find happiness again.

[TZummer]

Originally Posted by Duke

I've had a little time to ponder your post T and I have to ask you a few questions.

1) First and foremost, you give reference to the fact that you both decided your lives were headed in different directions and decided to call it off. Assuming I'm reading this correctly, I'd say it sounds as if it was a decision you both actually came to and agreed upon amicably. I don't believe this is the case. I actually wonder if it wasn't something that had crossed your mind but was actually mentioned, agreed and acted upon primarily from your ex. Can you please elaborate?

Nope, it was pretty mutual. The though had crossed both our minds. It was a very hard decision on both our parts As far as I can tell though< I took it much easier at first, and now I'm taking it much worse. We're still both friends though.

2) How do you feel about women and how they view you?

I seem to end up as a friend quite a bit, as far as how they view me, I really have no clue.

3) Do you have low self esteem, a low number of friends, confidence issues, etc?

Low self esteem - I don't really think I do for the most part, but every so often I have little spurts.
low number of friends - I have a low number of close friends. Acquaintences are all over the place though.
Confidence Issues - same as the Low self esteem, though as of late, I have no problem going up to random girls I find attractive and talking to them

I hope the above questions don't read as badly as I think they do, I'm only asking so I can see the picture more clearly. You make mention of some pretty intense feelings and emotions but lay no groundwork as to why you feel them.

I'm also wondering if this is the only time you've considered your own mortality. Is this the event that started it all or have there been other times and other situations since or before?

[Duke]

I think that once you hook up with another gal you'll likely find your depression miraculously cured as well.

[TZummer]

That's my thought, that just proves harder than I'd like it to be.

[Duke]

Ever try a dating service?

[Merika]

Replacing someone overnight doesn't happen TZ. Until you are ready....enjoy some casual dating and getting back in the groove of things.

I think you'll end up coming out of this thing just fine, I think you will end up meeting another love just as wonderful....but I think it will take time.

Just because two people don't work out....doesn't mean anything is wrong with either one of them. It just wasnt' the right relationship mix for any number of reasons. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[TZummer]

Yeah, it's me again. You might remember me. I'm the guy with the Chinchillas...anyway, on to the point.

I've been doing well for the past few months. I've been able to handle my business, cope with the stress, control the emotions when they need to be controlled, until about 2 weeks ago. I took a vacation from work and I just had a major crash on the stress levels. Even while on vacation I just started stressing about everything, it just kept building up, an