Day 5

[lewsterrett]

I dont know if its just me or whether there are peopke that are either pulling away or getting closer. I have noticed that there are some that have pulled away. There are others that have come closer and sill others that have come close have puled away. I know that this is a burden that I alone must bear. I am at work. She dropped my son off to the house while I was in the shower. I dont think she came in. I didnt ask my son. I am making it a point to not bring her up around him. I dont know what to do in this arena. I talked to him briefly. He had gone fishing with my wife and her friends. He told me about the fish they caught and he sounded like he had fun. I dont know how to fish. I bought all the fishing gear for us as Christmas gifts and we have been out once but didnt catch anything.

I have been doing alot of relecting. I have been doing the "what i could have done differently". I realize alot of things within myself that were fundamentally wrong. one of the items was the fishing. although i had the gear i really didnt take the time to take us out and start using it. There are alot of things like this that I could have done differntly an for whwtever reason i have had blinders on for a while. This led to the current situation.

When i spoke to my wife she made mention that I am engaged alot more into work than I am at home. I must have really been tuned out for this to happen as i am really idling at work and it isnt really challenging and doesnt really take too much of my time.

The conclusion really is that im my worst enemy. i created the situation. i cursed the blessed. when my wife found her new friend i was quick to curse because she was getting a friendship that she felt she had lost with me. when i started getting jealous of that i tried to reel her in and that added fuel to the embers that were glowing. i was being told along with my mindset already made up that in fact her freind was my advoacate. she was helping my wife in any way possible to keep our marriage intact. hindsight is 20/20
add ther other factors and this brings me to the current situation and day 5.

I dont mean to come here ever day and after a while you see day 311 or day 425 or anything like that. I am merely trying to cope and i dont know how.
i do miss her terribly and if she came back today you would be able to hear and feel my joy from wherever you are. I would change and i now know the steps to keep it from happening again. I pray to God that all is not lost and that we can grow old together. We can fulfill the dreams that I had forgotten about.

Talikng to her provided insight. she felt that she didnt have to tell me anything. She was very cold and tried her best to get me off the phone short of hanging up. My health was her top concern as well as the other issues. I have addressed the health. I am working on the other. The grace of God is what is keeping me semi fuctioning at this point. Im at work in a farmilliar place but i feel stangely empty. I slept last night for 7 hours. Its the longest i have been able to sleep. It was due to pure exhaustion. The walking has been a great stress reliever but i still have my hert pounding for almost no good reason. Thank you everyone for your kind words. It is my wish that no one goes through this as this is my challenge of a lifetime.

[PepsiChic]

my friend, everyone faces challenges in their life, and those who are willing to over come them, come out on top, no matter the result.

keep strong, and keep posting, we are all here to listen, to talk, to guide. we will do our uttermost best to do what we can for you at such a difficult and trying time.

it is great that you are allowing your belief in God to help you right now, i have seen many people turn their backs on religion when coping with such a difficult challenge. but you already show strength in your willingness to right the wrongs. and for that you should be proud.

[IR_Efrem]

I can vividly recall many of the emotions that you are explaining. I can remember trying to immediately change and hoping that she would see this change.

What I was trying to do was change for her. Trying to sculpt myself for her liking. If health is a concern for you, then by all means help yourself become a healthier person. You need to do this for yourself though. If you are trying to enact an immediate change for her, to get her back, she will not be receptive to these changes.

I ended up sinking to an all time low through the course of our separation and eventual divorce. My true friends and family brought me back, a strong realization that I had to do what was right for me led to the realization that, If I wasn't a stable person then how could I possible raise my children.

Simply put you have to be happy with you and have confidence in yourself. I cannot say that your situation is the same as mine, because it is not. Both me and my ex actively pushed each other away in many ways. I do remember just blaming myself in the beginning. Trust me when I say, NO one knows how to "deal" with separation, it is truly a matter of time. The scars never go away, they just lighten up so they aren't so noticeable anymore.

I wanted me and her to be together so very badly at that time and I really did not consider anything else as a possibility. Everything centered around that one thought, must try to fix this.....

Now I scoff at the idea and I am in a much better situation in my life. My fiance is the greatest woman that I have ever met. If any of my previous relationship had not ended, I would not have met her.

This doesn't mean that hardships didn't follow my divorce. I immediately jumped into a relationship right afterwards, it did not last long at all because I was not ready. I got married a second time and it ended badly as well. That was an entirely different circumstance though, with some rather extreme happenings.

I know that time will help you realize many things, but please do not just place blame on yourself for all the small incidentals in life. I firmly believe that it takes two to make a relationship work.

My thoughts are with you, my friend. Lean on your friends and family when you need support. We are always here to listen and support as well, you are not alone

[TKDLady]

I feel for you I truly do. But you seem to be bashing yourself and punishing yourself. Telling yourself that you are to blame. It takes 2. She obviously has problems too. Start looking at her a bit more closely. I bet you will see that she isn't so perfect after all. I am not trying to be mean but I think you blame yourself for all that has happened but it can't be all your fault. If she had problems with anything she should have said something before it came to this. Where was the communication from her? Where has her mind been these last few weeks or months or however long she has been thinking about this? Just take in the whole picture not just your half. Take care.

[Luba]

Just want you to know, LS, while my computer was down I was wondering how you were doing and keeping you in my prayers! I'm trying to catch up! I'm SO glad you are posting, and sharing so we can listen and just be here for you!