Day 4

lewsterrett · 05-04-2008, 01:35 AM

I spoke with her a little while ago. Im still processing. She was upset that my son had mentioned some things to her. In essence that I love her and missed her. things like that. She mentioned that at this time she has no intention of returning. we talked about housekeeping items such as the remaining balance in our bank account, my son's school drop off and pickup schedules, final bills she will pay, things like that. I asked her about any hope and she could not give me an answer. Im still taking it all in.

lewsterrett · 05-04-2008, 01:30 PM

I slept for a couple of hours last night. I had a bout of PTSD.
I of all things I never put myself in the Lord's hands. After I did I slept until 8 when my brother called. I will sleep well tonight.

Im processed and actually im in pretty good shape. Im still lonely but I heard and awesome sermon about my situation. I will have intamacy with God. We will spend time together. It's great how the lord works!

In essence Im the problem. Im my worst enemy and the enemy within. I did not take care of my health. I dont blame her for wanting to put up with someone that may not live much longer. Im a diabetic and wasnt taking my medicine or working to keep my blood sugar under control. I wasnt excercisng or watching what I was eating. May 4th is my physical body's new beginning. I called my brother that is a teacher and has a degree in health matters. He is working with me to get situated. I just got in from church im eating some grilled chicken breast and oddly enough oatmeal. after that im going to get a haircut and going for an hour long walk. Im going to get an mp3 player and put an audio bible on it. I may not blog much from here until new developments occour. My faith tells me that I have a mandate and the challenge of a lifetime.

TKDLady · 05-04-2008, 01:33 PM

Good luck lewsterrett. We are here when you need to talk some more.

lewsterrett · 05-04-2008, 05:59 PM

Boy that didnt take long.. I keep trying to lay down and go to sleep and i just cant do it. I just got in from a long walk and Im eating right. Any suggestions? Im not a drinker other than during religeous services. Any way to cope would be really appriciated. I have hope and faith she will return. I dont know how to turn off missing her.

Vautrin · 05-04-2008, 06:18 PM

Try to read something perhaps. Or do something else you like to do. (for me it is just entering something random in wikipedia and read that).

Have a glass of milk before you sleep - it supposedly does wonders.

TKDLady · 05-04-2008, 07:43 PM

I don't think you will be able to turn off missing her. It is part of the pain process or whatever you want to call it. It is something that only time will help. I won't say heals because I don't believe one truly heals completely. We learn to accept the way things are and move on. There are other women who will make you happy and content should she decide not to come back to you. It will just take time. Maybe keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to think of her so much. Do a little more at work, spend more time with friends in the evenings and on weekends. Don't lock yourself in your house where you are constantly reminded of her. Take your son to the movies more or just out somewhere site seeing. I am afraid I don't have much else to offer. It has been 3 years and I am still suffering from a lost relationship. But it is much better today than 3 years ago. We are friends again. Anyway, good luck and keep posting if it helps. I know I cried on a lot of shoulders here and in my real life during the worst of it.

lewsterrett · 05-04-2008, 08:48 PM

Thanks TKDLady. I have been doing alot of walking which is good for health and stress relief and such. Its just at night when its dark and you're in bed. Im still in that mode. The house is quiet and it seems twice the size.

Zil · 05-04-2008, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lewsterrett

Thanks TKDLady. I have been doing alot of walking which is good for health and stress relief and such. Its just at night when its dark and you're in bed. Im still in that mode. The house is quiet and it seems twice the size.

I know this feeling all too well... It is definitely something that still gets to me. I have the hardest time falling asleep when laying in bed alone, I've just never gotten used to it again. This is why most of the time I seem to pass out on the couch with the tv on and then later, wake up and turn it off and stumble into the bedroom and just collapse - already half asleep.

Just hang in there man.... and, if I may, I'd like to share this piece of advice:

This is something that spoke to me a few years back when I felt lost and hopeless after my ex-wife left me and my life spiraled into a deep depression.
It's from the movie Castaway.
It was towards the end of the movie and it was in regards to staying on that island so long and that piece that got washed ashore that he ultimately used to make it off that island... He said something like this:
"I know what I have to do now - keep living... because tomorrow the sun will rise, ...and you never know what the tide will bring in."

Wise words there, my friend. Remember them.

lewsterrett · 05-04-2008, 09:18 PM

Zil, those are wise words. I did the couch tv thing and got 3 hrs of sleep but my neck hurt afterwards. Im going to see if my doctor can prescribe anything. Bad part is that my appointment isnt till next week. I guess its a toss up for me. I can remove the things that most remind me of her and really feel empty or leave them and have hope, faith and promise.