day 3

lewsterrett · 05-03-2008, 06:44 AM

i couldnt sleep very much last night i slept in 2-3 hour blocks. its 6:20 saturday morning. My son is getting dressed for a band concert he has today. my wife will be attending and i cannot. it was unusually quiet in bed last night. i slept with worship music. i think the sleep im getting isnt really sleep but more of a collapse. before going to bed i spoke with my brother. he was very supportive and i really needed that. he spoke words of encouragement and told me that God was giving me strength and to stand fast. i laid in bed and thought of some really good times we had. i know the Lord is with me. i placed her in the Lord's hands. in the spirit i saw him wrapping his arms around her. i know this is a firery trial. i just prayed for my son. i pray he isnt like me. i pray he is better than me in every way. when my parents divorced i put up a strong front. i never let anyone see the hurt within me. i was 7 and quickly became very independent. i had to be my mom was a waitress at ihop. i now had to take care of my sister who was 4 years younger than me. we would sleep in an unoccupied booth. or in a storage area. my wife recently got a job making much more money than i do. so i dont forsee that for my son but i dont know what the future holds. im on a new road that i havent been on before but its oddly farmiliar. through prayer i ask God to place people in all our paths to guide us back to the road we belong on. i pray for eyes to be open and for us to look through a clear lens.
i pray for ears to be open and a humillity to hear the whisper of God. I see tears on my Lord's face and it saddens me. i repent for what i have said and done to cause this. i am going to the messianic synagogue this morning. i am in prayer whether i should go to our chruch tomorrow.

Luba · 05-03-2008, 06:48 AM

Good morning, LS! The trials you lived through as a child and you SURVIVED will also get you through this, too! I truly, truly BELIEVE that!

Meanon · 05-03-2008, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lewsterrett

i know this is a firery trial. i just prayed for my son. i pray he isnt like me. i pray he is better than me in every way. when my parents divorced i put up a strong front. i never let anyone see the hurt within me. i was 7 and quickly became very independent. i had to be my mom was a waitress at ihop. i now had to take care of my sister who was 4 years younger than me. we would sleep in an unoccupied booth. or in a storage area.......... im on a new road that i havent been on before but its oddly farmiliar.

We all make mistakes, it's our ability to learn from them that makes a difference to our lives and those of others. That's a good example for your son. Humility is fine, but you need to value the good in yourself too - which you may see as God's spirit within you. I hope you see why your path is familiar. You have been tested before and have come through it, so it is now. You are no longer 7. At times a strong front is needed, but now you are also strong enough to let the hurt show through, here and with your wife and your God. That will help you too.

PepsiChic · 05-03-2008, 11:11 AM

meanon is right you were tested on going through a pain similar when only 7, and had to carry your mother and sister through what was a difficult time, now you are older, wiser and stronger, you have to carry yourself, your wife and your son through it, and remember the courage in yourself to admit your mistakes but love the good in you and your wife.

have you thought about maybe writing her a letter, just to let her know you are thinking of her and are sorry for the mistakes made and want to be together again?

lewsterrett · 05-03-2008, 05:56 PM

I know i talked to my half brother as he went through the same thing when my dad married his mom only to have him leave her.

I think i carry myself well. i have a well paying job. i dress nicely i dont think i look half bad. I may join the Messianic Synagogue which is what our current church is based on.
The spanish ministry pastor had sympathy on me and gave me his personal cell number.

She said that she needed time and space. i have tried calling her and she screens her calls. She calls back a few hours later. When i do try to talk to her she tries to get me off the phone as soon as possible. i have tried to text her and she doesnt acknowlege them.

my thing is just not knowing what she is thinking and what the next step is. She told me that at some point we would talk but it would have to be at the pastor's house with them present. a coworker tells me that this is so that she can have them handle the fallout after she tells me she doesnt want me in her life.

Vautrin · 05-03-2008, 06:53 PM

Perhaps you co-worker is right. Perhaps not. Try not to think the worst of the situation, but try and keep positive. For a religious person, it makes sense to seek help and guidance and support from a pastor.

The situation is not easy on the both of you, as a seperation is not an easy thing to go through. So she may not be too certain of what she wants and needs either. The fact that she does respond to your calls - on her terms - seems hopeful.

Of course, your wife did make a decision to seperate. Which is not an easy decision, nor one she made lightly. But that does not mean that her course of action is set in stone. She is dealing with the situation in her way, and she will be wondering what goes on in your mind - but at the same time her life goes on as well.

Try to remain positive. Try to work on yourself, and take guidance from God. You seem to be doing well in that respect, and I hope your wife can see the same. And perhaps the pastor can help to make your wife realize this as well.

lewsterrett · 05-03-2008, 08:06 PM

I agree on the positive thinking. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I am trying to bring glory to God. I know that God is with me. He has shown himself a few times already. He has been here all along. The lonliness is what is really working in me right now. I am having problems sleeping because i sense she isnt in the bed with me. I have tried a row of pillows and stuff buts its still not her. we used to hold each other while we slept.