completely heart broken

[cine]

So my husband doesnt want to be with me any more. I cant really go into detail to much because I cant stop crying. But I needed to reach out to someone. I tried to kill myself the night that he told me, and I dont want to get like that again. So I am reaching out, step number one.

We have been together for 5 years, married for 2. We have 3 kids, 1 his, 1 mine, 1 together. He says that he doesnt even know if he loves me anymore.

I cant blame him. I left him back in May of this year. I moved out and started seeing someone else. I lied to him about it. We got back together in August. He said that this is why he doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want to be with me. But he is the one that wanted to get back together. He fought for it.

I really just need some words of encouragement right now.

[BridgieBridge]

Welcome to Lifesupporters Cine! Everyone here is always kind, lending an ear to listen. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Huggles to you. I hope you find some comfort here.

Have you ever tried any counseling between the two of you? Has he actually left or just expressed his wanting to leave?

[Luba]

First of all, Welcome to Lifesupporters, even under these very sad circumstances in your life! You will find compassion, caring, love, understanding and views on how to cope because we've all had some tragedy or sadness in our lives and someone here has been able to somehow help, especially in a similar circumstance.

You need to live for your children, they need a Mom. Most of all, you need to live for yourself.

If you have family and/or friends close by, give someone a call, or go to see a relative or friend,someone you can talk to face to face. Reach out like you are doing here, and we will be here for you to help you all we can! If no one is available for you in person, just keep posting. You will find incredible love and support here.

[cine]

thanks for the welcome.
Last night was really hard. He told me the night before, after making love to me, that he didnt know what the words "i love you" meant. So yesterday I sent him a very long email telling him what it meant to me, and how I felt about us, what needed to happen, what we have, and so on. He didnt come home after work. He ignored my texts. So I went over to his parents house with the kids so I wouldnt be alone. He came home a little after 9pm. He was cold and uncaring.

He hates me. He hates everything that I have become. And so do I. As he pointed out, I used to be so ambisious. I had everything planned out. I worked my but off, went to school, took care of my son. Now, 5 years later, I am not working, still going to school, I still take care of my son, but sometimes feel like I am doing a horrible job. I dont know why. And he hates this about me. I applied to about 45 jobs yesterday and I told him and he didnt say anything. You would think that if he thought that I was selling myself short as he says, he would be encouraging. Why would he be though? He just wants to get away from me.

He hasnt left yet, but he does whatever he wants. He stays out all night, slept with another woman. Talking to another one from work. I know that I am no saint. I left and I did all the same things. At least I left first though. But I lied to him about seeing someone else. That is his biggest complaint. He said that he just hurts too much. That he cant get over what I did. Even though he faught very hard to get me to come back.

I cried so hard last night that I couldnt breath. I just want the pain to go away.

[Luba]

Cine, I've sat here reading your post over and over trying to come up with some encouraging words to say, and I'm just going to post my opinions, so if I'm totally off-base, just know it's my way of trying to help as I am no counselor. I've lived a long time, been through a lot of problems and the only solutions that worked for me is 'fixing myself' as we are powerless sometimes to change difficult situations when others have moved on or have their own way of dealing with issues.

I don't want to be judgmental of your husband but it sounds to me like he's either doing 'payback' or is moving on. You might need to just face it and gather strength for yourself and your children now.

To me you sound like a go-getter applying for all those jobs. You need to look within yourself now and pull out all your inner resources, which we all have when we have to get through difficult times. You may have to ask yourself 'do I really want a man in my life that doesn't respect me anymore?', you will probably realize that you don't.

Just know that these are only my opinions and in no way should you take them as answers, just things to think about. Take care, and just know we are here for you!

[TKDLady]

Sorry I am chiming in so late cine. First off welcome to Lifesupporters. We are a very caring and loving online family. I am sorry for what you are going through. I know the pain you are feeling and for me only time has helped. My situation isn't and wasn't totally the same but my heart got broken and it still hurts, just not as bad. Being with caring friends and getting on with my life has helped. I had a real good friend who let me come and cry on her shoulder just about every other night for a while and it helped to know someone was willing to listen and not judge me. I kind of agree with Luba on the payback thing. It sounds like he may have wanted you back so he could hurt you like you hurt him. If that is the case, then he is a very immature man and maybe you should let him go. Only you can be the judge of what is going on and what is best for you. If he won't go to a counselor with you then go alone. Go see someone or talk to someone so you can let the hurt out some. Keep posting and we will keep listening and helping you as much as we can. We are here for you sweetie.

[BridgieBridge]

Oh my. I know how you feel somewhat. I had an ex break up with me right after doing the same thing once, and he also told me he had cheated on me. That is some BAD, BAD timing! I'm not sure if there is a worse feeling, it's pretty low, i remember it clearly. I'm sorry you are experiencing it.

Cine, to be honest, and i'm not in any way a therapist, but the relationship does not sound at all healthy for you at this time. It sounds like some tug o war and it seems he is clearly kicking you when your down. I feel for you. Sometimes it's tough not knowing what to do, a mess full of emotions swirling, it's a bit overwhelming at times, swimming in sorrow. But girlfriend, remember one thing above all no matter if you or he stays or goes. YOU are a valuable person worth every bit of love as any other, we all make mistakes, we all have faults, but overall there is a gem inside each one of us. Sometimes we just surround ourselves with peple who cloud our shine, but with a little nurture and polish we are as good as new.

I'm rambling are'nt i?

Anyway Blessings to you, and hang in there the best you can. We are here whenevr you need us, if you need a shoulder to cry on, we will be that shoulder.

[cine]

Last night was a little easier. I had to get us car insurance, it felt nice to do something that was important and I did it right. He actually came home after work, so when I got back from the insurance office he was already home. I was on a kind of high because getting the car insurance reminded me that I am not a little stay at home mommy. I can get stuff done too.

So my attitude toward him was different. He called it being passive aggressive. I called it attempting to be strong. I have always smiled and laughed like an idiot when I am nervous. I think thats all it was. For the most part he played right along with it. I made a comment that he would have to learn how to by cheez-its by himself. He laughed and said that I was right.

But then he said something that just killed it for me. He said that he isnt happy about this either. I didnt know what to say to that so I didnt say anything at all really. It made me feel hope. I dont want to feel hope because then the next time he doesnt come home until 8 in the morning, it will hurt all that much more. Tonight is New Years. He said that he isnt planning on doing anything, but I am sure his friend will talk him into going out. I will be stuck at home by myself with my thoughts. I am not looking forward to it.

I cant help but feel like this cant be it for us. We have done so much together and I feel like there is so much more for us to do still. I know that we have our problems, but coming into a relationship the way we did, it makes sense that we would have problems. I feel like we are still kids and in need of growing up. I want to grow up with him.

[Stone]

Try therepy for the both of you, if that doesn't work get out of the toxic relationship, it will just hurt your children in the long run. No one should ever make you feel that bad about yourself, and you should NEVER let anyone have that much power over you.

You can move on I promise, I have 2 children, on my own my relationship with my daughters father ended 3 years ago, my life is much diffrent and I am living for ME and my children not to make some one else feel good about me.... I feel good about me, and you need to LOVE YOURSELF! Never give ANYONE the power to make you feel that bad..

Do you have a daugher? Would you expect her to be in a relationship like this? I'm sure you would want better for her... lead by example.

[cine]

New Years Eve and I am home alone. The kids are here but there are watching a movie.

He got off work at 2. He said he was going out for a quick drink. Its now 6pm. He told me that he is coming home tonight so to stop stressing. Ya! I need to stop stressing. I made it a point to tell him that I didnt want to be alone tonight so if he had plans on going out that he should tell me. That was two days ago. He said he didnt want to go out because it scared him, its dangerous. I guess he isnt all that worried about driving completely across a major metropolitan city after drinking since 2pm on New Years Eve. And whats worse, I believed that he would be home. I am such an idiot!

What I cant get passed is all the things that he had a problem with me doing right before and during our separation, he is doing now. Does he not care that he is a complete hypocrit? No, he doesnt, because as soon as he stopped caring about 'us' he didnt hurt anymore (according to him).

I want to be angry with him, but I am just angry with myself. I am angry for not sticking to my feelings and not getting back together with him in August. I told him then that I was afraid that it was just going to go back to the way it was before, and what do ya know.... four months later and BINGO! I cannot believe that I let him talk and trick me into coming back. I kept telling myself that he doesnt love me, he doesnt know how to love. He only wants to control. I cant really blame myself, he is very convincing.

My gosh, what is wrong with me???

[PepsiChic]

love is what is wrong cine! and we are all very guilty for it.

you love him, and he played on your feelings to make you think you wanted and needed him back in your life, so of course you did! not your fault.

sometimes tho, it helps you to realize that things can and will change for the better, or being apart if the only way forward.

[cine]

Yesterday was a great day. We played together, watched TV, made love twice, and just had fun. We only had two serious points in the entire day.

First was when the lady from work that he likes called him and he got up and left the movie that we were watching to go talk to her. It was a long conversation for him. I walked around, went outside with the kids, smoked like three cigarettes, then finally went inside to take a shower. He came in the bathroom and asked if I was going to finish watching the movie with him.
I asked him if he honestly expected me to just sit around and listen to him talk on the phone to another woman? He said no, in a apologetic manner. Then we went back to the movie.

Later, we were joking around about him kicking me out, he said he didnt know what else to do. I knew that he meant he didnt know how to make himself stop hurting other than ending our relationship. I told him that he is still angry, and has every right to be, so he should go to therapy with me so that he can talk about how he is feeling. He didnt say yes or no. We just went right back on to having fun.

I feel like I should have more control of the situation. I feel like I am getting my hopes up with the little comments that he makes, and I need to except the fact that even if he does love me, this is just not going to work. But that hurts.

[cine]

How do I get passed this? How do I not love him anymore? I dont want to hurt like this.

[TKDLady]

You just take each day one day at a time. The way to heal is time and distance from him. Every time you see him it will bring back everything and if you are together or intimate it just adds to the time it will take to heal. Either you make it work and love each other again or you get out and keep your distance. At least that is what I have found. Everyone is different and everyone heals differently. If you have some close friends who will let you cry on their shoulders, that helps too. We are all here to help too if we can.

[Luba]

Originally Posted by cine

How do I get passed this? How do I not love him anymore? I dont want to hurt like this.

Cine, I believe that you will get past this when you realize you deserve better, to be treated better; I believe that is the total key. You will then rely on yourself and find out what you are made of, and just how strong you really are. I believe our worst mistakes are relying on others, by giving them ALL our love instead of keeping some for ourselves; then true healing starts happening, wisdom moves in, and true inner happiness, contentment, and peace begins to happen.

[cine]

Distance... that will be very difficult. We have one child together, plus I stepped in as mom to his daughter five years ago. I am trying to not be close to him right now but he is sending mixed signals. One minute he is rushing out the door to spend time with another woman, then next he is kissing me like there is no one else in the world.

I have his wedding ring and he tried to get it back from me twice, but that was two days ago. I dont know what he is expecting to happen.

I think that he is playing nice until I have a job and can move out. If he is even expecting me to move, I dont know. I dont think he is changing his mind, or even struggling with it. I think he just doesnt want it to be wwIII while I am still here.

To add to the list of problems, I still havent even gotten a call for an interview and my son is seriously acting up. It is very hard to keep my head up right now.

[Luba]

Cine, I hate to say it, but he seems to be 'playing' at best of both worlds, kissing you and going to another woman. That's just not right. He is toying with your self-esteem.

I know this is hard, but in the time being while you are looking for a job, is there a Welfare place you can go to for now to help you out of this situation? You can't keep living in this kind of environment, your child senses it and, of course, would act up. Ask friends, family, anyone you trust to help you in this time of need. You ARE trying to get a job, just keep trying with that; never give up. Sometimes we are most afraid to ask those that love us the most for help because we have too much pride. If you need to ask now, be comforted in your heart that you will someday soon be able to 'pay it forward'; I believe that is what life is all about. So many people stay in difficult situations, abusive ones, because they feel they made their bed and must lie in it; I believe it doesn't work that way anymore. We need to start helping each other, and we need to cry for help when we need it BEFORE the situation becomes so intolerable that one feels there just is no way to turn. Please, please just consider what I've said and ask a family member or friend for help, and keep trying with the job situation.

We are lovingly here for you! from Luba

[cine]

I know he is. I think part of it is because he isnt quite sure that he wants this to end.

Last night we were laying in bed right next to eachother and I felt like he was a mile away. I have never felt like that before. It was weird and scary.

I started reading this book that he bought when I left him. It made me feel very hopeful that perhaps we still need to work on this and we will be ok. But when I got his opinion on something he shot every bit of hope from me in a matter of a couple of words. I am still reading it because I think it would be helpful.

I dont want to leave just yet, not so much because of him, but because of my son. He doesnt handle change well at all and he needs a little more stability. I can always stay at my husbands parents house. I have stayed the night there once since this started and will do it again. They are very understanding and supportive. They give me just what I need when I am really down.

[Luba]

I think it's very positive that you are close to his parents and can go there when you need to.