Advice please, I dont know what to do.

[moleen]

Hi,
My husband and I have separated after being married for 13 years, we have 6 beautiful children together.
I moved out of our home as we were arguing a lot and I knew that it wasn't good for the children to see and hear their parents arguing. I moved into a apartment that the social services gave me until I can find other accommodation. When I moved out I became very depressed and admitted myself to hospital, while I was in hospital I found out that I have bipolar disorder, which can make me argue with him. When I came out of hospital I decided to go to my parents in England for a while. My husband and I spoke on the phone a lot and wrote text messages to each other, we decided to work at getting back together again, I was so happy and couldn't wait to get back home to him and the children. When I arrived at the airport he hugged me and welcomed me home, everything was wonderful until we started arguing again and I had to leave and go back to the apartment. I became very sad sent him loads of text messages,it seemed like he didn't care about me. He called me and said that I could see the children and stay the night, we talked about things and he said he was scared of my illness, he wanted to wait and see if the medication works and I get better, I told him that I needed his support, he said it was best that we were apart. The next day we argued and I left again. I wish that he would stick by me, I need him to be there for me. I really want to save our marriage, I still love him very much, I don't know what to do.

[Duke]

First off moleen, let me personally welcome you to lifesupporters.com, it's very good to have you with us.

As for your situation, it's really tough to say what to do because I don't feel there is a truly correct answer. While it can be said that you are diagnosed as bipolar, I'd hate for you to assume blame for every argument because it won't help your situation at all. It takes two to argue so it's not fair for you to assume blame due to a diagnosed bipolar disorder.

I'd strongly suggest that you ascertain if your husband is truly interested in getting back together by means of a marriage councilor. They are paid to determine whether or not there is a mutual interest in repairing marriages so I believe it would be a benefit to both of you not just in the long run but also for the short term.

Whatever course you choose (and it is only you who can ultimately decide), I'd try to prepare yourself on some level for the possible eventuality of a permanent split. I really hate saying this but the only thing worse than splitting in the first place is not being prepared should it eventually happen. IMHO, these are the seeds of bitterness and the only people who are truly victimized by the mutual animosity, is the children.

Of course I'm no expert in this field so please take my input with a grain of salt. I only speak the above based off of my personal experience when my wife split with me. Even though I should have been, I was not prepared and as such it completely devastated me for years.

The benefit of hindsight has afforded me the ideal that a partner is someone who at least tries to understand what your going through on all levels as much as possible. If your partner is not willing to do so, maybe a split is in your mutual best interests.

[TinyPooh]

Hii Moleen, welcome to lifesupporters...well, I am really sorry for what happened to you if your husband left you because of your illness, then what I can say is that your husband is a real jerk !!!...sorry to say that but I think that he should eventually be at your side at this particular moment because you need him more...when you love someone, I think that you should not only be by his/her side in happy moments but also in unhappy ones...

Like Ken said, there are counsellors who can help you and your husband find a solution for your problem...but we are here whenever you need to talk...
You are in my thoughts and prayers..
Hugs...

[TKDLady]

Welcome Moleen. You have come to the right spot for caring and compassionate people who will listen and do our best to help you. I don't have personal experience with a situation like yours but I can understand your fear and that your husband is probably afraid as well. He may need more time and I know that drugs for personality disorders take time to take affect so be patient with the drugs and seek professional help for you and your husband. It will all take time and patience on both your parts. Good luck and feel free to express your feelings here as much as you need. This place helped me through a very hard time and I know it will help you. Glad you joined our little cyber family.

[moleen]

Thanks for your support,
I feel very let down by my husband, I feel that he doesn't understand what I am going through and our lack of communication just makes things worse.

[Duke]

Originally Posted by moleen

Thanks for your support,
I feel very let down by my husband, I feel that he doesn't understand what I am going through and our lack of communication just makes things worse.

I'm very sorry that you feel this way, nobody deserves to feel like that. Have you actually stated this to your husband?

[PepsiChic]

welcome to ls!

i think you need to talk to him, thats the main thing, communication, no-body can get along or even hope to, unless they are 110% honest and open with eachother.

also talk to the children, with the moving in and out of the home that you've done im sure they are worried and upset about it all too. and they may need some support and may be able to provide you with some.

[Meanon]

Hi Moleen,

It must have been so hard leaving your family when you needed their support so much. Remember your family will always be your family, no matter where you are.

I can see from your message that you just don't know what to do for the best. I guess that the timing of when you found out you were ill made you think that was the reason for the arguments. You have a large family and an illness like this would add to your stress, that's bound to have been a factor in causing your arguments but, like Duke said, it takes two to argue.

The only way of knowing if you can work through it together and maybe improve with treatment too is to try it. You'd not feel you had to leave if you had a physical illness, I bet.

But you're right when you talked about the effect on the kids of seeing and hearing the arguments. It's only worth trying to sort it out if you can protect them from this and that means being willing and able to have your arguments behind closed doors or when you are out alone. I guess time alone is limited with 6 kids, can social services help with some day care?

It does seem that your husband is being very unsupportive, but then he may be worried about the children too and also may find it hard that you keep needing to leave. He may find it easier to avoid that happening by asking you not to come back until you are better. He wanted it to work when you first came back, there's every reason to believe he still does but is finding it all very difficult, as you all are.

It's your house and family too, why do you need his permisssion to go back? Could it be that you want to go back but you are scared to do so because you felt you had to leave twice before and when you went back the third time it started going wrong again?

I think from your reaction you feel he has rejected you, but there is some common ground here - you are both scared and having difficulty living with the situation when you are together. I'd try and use this common ground to reach out to your husband so you can share your fears and find practical ways of dealing with them so that you can not only return home but stay there.

People can only give support if they are coping themselves, is your husband generally supportive or has he always been like this? Have you been referred to anyone (a counsellor, social worker or family therapist) who could help you through these difficult times?

It sounds to me like you are all reeling from the after effects of your stay in hospital but that there is much to be hopeful for. Try and stay hopeful, moleen.

[moleen]

Thanks for the advice,
Went to see him and the children today to stay the night, I tried discussing with him about our relationship, it seems like when I try to bring it up he thinks I am arguing, I don't want to argue, I want to talk to him about it.
I want him to care, to be supportive, its just so hard when he doesn't want to talk about it at all.I ended up going home to my place not staying.

[Duke]

So moleen, do you feel your husband is sincere about working things out because it sure doesn't look that way?

Just so you know, we are and always will be here for you.

[Meanon]

Originally Posted by moleen

Thanks for the advice,
Went to see him and the children today to stay the night, I tried discussing with him about our relationship, it seems like when I try to bring it up he thinks I am arguing, I don't want to argue, I want to talk to him about it.
I want him to care, to be supportive, its just so hard when he doesn't want to talk about it at all.I ended up going home to my place not staying.

This is a very, very common pattern in relationships. When women try and discuss things to improve the relationships, men feel as though they are being criticised. Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? I love the analogy in it of the woman in distress being in a deep well, they want the guy to throw a rope in and rescue them. Men in distress are far more likley to retreat to their cave and stay there alone. Any pawing around the cave entrance is most likely to be met by a warning growl! Of course it doesn't always happen that way, but often enough for it to be an issue for many couples. Marriage guidance may help you see things from the other's point of view and work out compromises if he is willing to go.

It sounds to me like you both desperately need some time together which is unmarked by conflict. He has retreated from you and whilst you are entirely justified in demanding your loving, supportive partner back again, it's not working. It sounds like you have set out your expectations quite clearly, why not see if he responds without you discussing the matter on your next visit? Of course you will not be happy staying with a partner who is uncaring and unsupportive in the long term, but if there is any chance of him regaining his optimism and confidence in the relationship, it may be that being released from the day to day conflict will help. This does not mean giving up on what you deserve, it means setting out your expectations and allowing him time to meet them.

Good luck and keep posting

[IR_Efrem]

moleen,

let me start with saying I was once in your husbands place.. Though i think my situation was a bit more extreme. Our marriage ended after she tried to stab me, I was on a chair changing a light bulb and she went nuts because she thought i was her ex (she was also scitzophrenic (spelling?))

Anyhow bi-polarism has a certain stigmatism around it... It looks AWFUL on paper, and it can have very bad effects on those around you, if left unchecked.

First off I would get a second, third, and forth opinion on whether or not you actually have this mental disease. Take family in with you to see the therapist so they can all give opinions to him/her. So an Real diagnosis can be made. It's all to often some one tosses out a diagnosis without real information. If it's not the real issue medication makes things worse. I have seen REAL mental illness in many forms and I've also seen misdiagnosis drive my own daughter to start talking about killing herself because of all the medication she was on. (BTW she is tons better and this has not happened for 2 years now)

Your husband might be thinking... hmm bi-polarism is something extreme and potentially harmful to the kids - (hence the "let's see how the medications works for you")

Or your husband might be a bit like myself as well.. I tend to wait and sit back hope things get better without having to struggle for it (way to much) I admit this and personally I am trying to NOT do this. Regardless - do NOT jump on the bandwagon that says (your man is just being a jerk). If you feel this way, it will project into your words and actions and make your conversations worse. Perhaps he knows you have a problem and wants you to work it out. This does not mean he doesn't support you or even want you to get better. He might be tired, emotionally exausted (if you will) of trying to cope to keep himself calm, rational and sane.

How you feel about something, anything is exactly what it is. More often than not it isnt something you can change. You can't get upset directly at your husband because he feels the way he feels. I realize this works both ways, and I am not defending any of his actions, simply because I do not fully know what his actions are.

I can only speculate on exactly what he is feeling but you have to understand that emotional illness is nothing to be taken lightly by anyone. Maybe this maybe that wont help you a whole lot.

Perhaps you could shed a little light on the matter by giving us more information. I wouldn't mind knowing the exact words you both use during an arguement. Not how it made made you feel or how you think he was feeling, what *exactly do you argue about and what are your responses to each other*

Sorry if I'm getting to personal, I'm not trying to play therapist or anything, but perhaps I can give you a better idea of how he feels if I knew a bit more. Perhaps I cannot.

I totally understand you wanting support from him and I agree with alot of what has been said already. I would have to say "don't push him to help you" Ask him "will you help me" and accept his answer. Tell him what you are doing to help yourself (and your WHOLE family), Leave it at that. Perhaps if he sees you helping yourself in earnest and you wanting not to argue it will remind him of how strong you are "yourself"
Perhaps.

Please think about what I've said, maybe you already know the answer. It's not my intention to judge anyone here.

You don;t have to listen to my suggestions of course.

I truly hope your family makes it through all of this.
Good luck

[Duke]

Wow, very interesting to see it from another possible angle as well. I do know that in North America (can't speak for other parts of the world), the tendency is for many doctors to medicate a problem without having a clear understanding of what the problem may be. In Canada, many doctors are doing all they can to see as many patients as possible and this practice has been criticized time and time again. The fact is, the more patients you see in a day, the less time you have per patient so it's easy to look for the quick cure which some doctors do.

I'm not hinting that this could have anything to do with your situation moleen so please don't read that into it. As IR said, it's really hard to gauge your situation with any degree of accuracy simply because its a snippet of an even larger story.

What does come across in your story is the pain your feeling and for this I'm truly sorry. I sincerely wish you all the best with your plight and should you need a place to get it off your chest, know that we are and will always be here for you.