he has been gone for 1 month 1day

[tinkerbel]

hi my husband has been gone for a month and a day. we have been married for just over 2 years. we have very poor communication skills and have been to counselling here and there but we never really commited to getting things right. so in june we had a pretty big arguement about his sister making plans for his birthday with out talking to me or even an invitaion. i was pretty upset i tried to call her but she doesnt like conflict and it was never resolved...he went...i did not. that night we got into a huge fight and he left and stayed with a cousin. i tried texting and calling him all night until he turned his phone off. he came home the next day and after a few hours we resolved it...sorta. the resentful feelings remained for me. then a month and 6 days ago i was up early 4am and went to livingroom to watch tv. his ipad was sitting on the end table and i got on it i saw a part of a conversation he was having with another woman. I was so shocked i couldnt really see what it was about and about that time he walked out and saw me. i asked what it was and he tried to deny it was anything then he said he was talking to a girl on match.com, when he was at his cousins house. I was crushed...cried...yelled...then decided we needed to talk and work it out. we made an appointment for the following friday with a counsellor. I tried to be ok, but by wendsday before counselling i flipped out. I wasnt seeing a man that fely bad, i felt like he thought it was no big deal and got very angry. we fought, i tried to get his ipad to check for anything else and it got ugly... I am not proud of what i did... i hit him, spit at him and said very mean things. I know i was wrong. the police came noone was taken i left and slept in a hotel room to prevent any other fighting. the next day i went home. i had been talking to my sister about what was going on his threat to tear up the house and take everything. he said he was going to destroy me....she told me i needed to get a restraining order, so i did, he was server thursday evening and left i was hoping that it would give us a cooling down period and we wouldnt do more damage. unfortunately damage was done he got an apartment and says that i am abusive and have anger problems. I agree. i have been seeing a counsellor and doing anger managment classes. i havent ever hit anyone before i grew up being abused and seeing so many things that my parents did and i really didnt think it was so wrong. this isnt the firt marriage and i have been hit and thrown around, but i left for other reasons. i am trying so hard to make him see that i can change i feel change in myself i love my husband and feel thatwe can get through this but he refuses to move back in. he says history repeats itself. i am heartbroken and feel so ashamed for what i did. i have been depressed for awhile before this all happened and have told him of the unhappiness...he let me believe that he was on match.com when he really was online talking to a counsellor about me having depression and what he should do. he thought it would anger me so he lied. i think if he would have told the truth this wouldnt have ever happened. I dont understand how he can be so concerned about me...say he loves me still...we have been on a couple of dates and have been intimate yet he wont come home sorry it is so long. please help

[Vautrin]

Hi Tinkerbel, welcome to the forums. Wish it were under happier circumstances.

From the sounds of it there are a lot of issues in your marriage. First of, when there are two people involved, it is very rare that the fault lies with one person only. Seeing how you ended your post, I am afraid that you feel everything is your fault, when in truth your husband played his part in this situation developing as it has.

Communication is a two way street. If the two of you have a hard time to communicate effectively with each other that creates a whole set of issues. How typical is conflict like the one you describe about his sister and not being invited to the birthday party?

Whether the conversation with this other woman was real or not (even if he says it is not real, it begs the question: why would anyone suggest doing such a thing to get you angry? Does that counselor have two brain cells to rub together? ), it appears that your husband was emotionally checking out of this relationship. This is not strange if the marriage has been rocky, and things do not improve over time.

Playing games with people's emotions is a very damaging thing to do for one's relationship, and your husband seems to have engaged in some of that as well. Your reaction, though regrettable is not wholly unnatural. Part of your reaction was fuelled by the circumstances you found yourself in, as well as the "lies" he made to you.

Imagine for yourself if you told him you had been seeing the mailman on the side. I'd imagine he'd do something else than saying "That's nice honey". Don't beat yourself up for what you have done. Key is to address your issues in a positive fashion so you can be a better person.

With regards to your anger issue and other issues, it does not hurt to seek professional help (and if the counselor actually suggested to your husband it was a good idea to lie about having an emotional affair, I'd strongly suggest seeking out another one). But that is all you can do at the moment. Work on yourself.

It is time to work on both your issues, else you will find yourself in similar spots in the near future. For you that would include some counseling for communication and anger, and perhaps even some to deal with past abuse you have suffered.

I'd actually suggest refraining from intimacy, and seeing each other only sporadically, and spending as much time as possible on working through your issues (communication counseling might be beneficial to attend together).

It is better to take things slowly, because the two of you need to change your dynamic when dealing with each other and the poor communication you have with each other.

[souris]

I'm not an expert in this field but I know from my own personality that being spit on is one of the lowest insults I could imagine. You say you have anger issues and are trying to work on that so that is a good sign. The restraining order in my opinion was over the top because I think his reaction was a result of your action. If I'm wrong please forgive me. I had anger issues but luckily I have been able to get them in check rather quickly and now the idea of yelling or screaming or throwing objects around is unimaginable. It's not that anger is bad, it's actually healthy. It's our reaction to anger that causes problems. I hope things will work out for you!