Hi Tinkerbel, welcome to the forums. Wish it were under happier circumstances.
From the sounds of it there are a lot of issues in your marriage. First of, when there are two people involved, it is very rare that the fault lies with one person only. Seeing how you ended your post, I am afraid that you feel everything is your fault, when in truth your husband played his part in this situation developing as it has.
Communication is a two way street. If the two of you have a hard time to communicate effectively with each other that creates a whole set of issues. How typical is conflict like the one you describe about his sister and not being invited to the birthday party?
Whether the conversation with this other woman was real or not (even if he says it is not real, it begs the question: why would anyone suggest doing such a thing to get you angry? Does that counselor have two brain cells to rub together?
), it appears that your husband was emotionally checking out of this relationship. This is not strange if the marriage has been rocky, and things do not improve over time.
Playing games with people's emotions is a very damaging thing to do for one's relationship, and your husband seems to have engaged in some of that as well. Your reaction, though regrettable is not wholly unnatural. Part of your reaction was fuelled by the circumstances you found yourself in, as well as the "lies" he made to you.
Imagine for yourself if you told him you had been seeing the mailman on the side. I'd imagine he'd do something else than saying "That's nice honey". Don't beat yourself up for what you have done. Key is to address your issues in a positive fashion so you can be a better person.
With regards to your anger issue and other issues, it does not hurt to seek professional help (and if the counselor actually suggested to your husband it was a good idea to lie about having an emotional affair, I'd strongly suggest seeking out another one). But that is all you can do at the moment. Work on yourself.
It is time to work on both your issues, else you will find yourself in similar spots in the near future. For you that would include some counseling for communication and anger, and perhaps even some to deal with past abuse you have suffered.
I'd actually suggest refraining from intimacy, and seeing each other only sporadically, and spending as much time as possible on working through your issues (communication counseling might be beneficial to attend together).
It is better to take things slowly, because the two of you need to change your dynamic when dealing with each other and the poor communication you have with each other.