Someone Else's Child

[BattleaxE]

Has anybody been in a relationship with someone who has a child? I am in such a relationship for the first time and to be quite honest it has made me grow as a person. (No they haven't put me in a torture contraption and stretched me) Let me say that I am a very strong, self confident person, who now has started feeling jealousy over a nine year old girl. Is this normal? O.K. maybe I shouldn't use the word normal with me in mind. Let me know what you think...

THANKS

[Duke]

I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel a little left out. Admit it or not, most of us don't mind sharing but we like to do it on our terms. All of us need someone in our lives to talk to, laugh with or just share space. Sometimes having children in the picture gets in the way of being there for your spouse and may be one of many reasons why marriages break up. I'd like to stress here that it is not the kids fault, it's simply a case of too much need and for one person to deal with. It is at these times when it's imperative that couples communicate about how they feel and take steps that satisfy both of them.

I can tell you something I do know for a fact though. In my case, it's imperative that my significant other be around while I have my child with me. I'd much rather have my child grow use to the fact that you'd be around rather than simply have to deal with it one day. My daughter didn't really get to know her stepdad prior to him marrying mom and I think she struggled with it in the beginning. It's likely you can say that with all kids who's parents re-marry. I also know that if a parent communicates with their child about the issue, they will understand. Kids are not dumb nor blind and they often know more than you're telling them anyway.

[Merika]

I think very few families blend as well as the Brady Bunch. Generally, there has to be a lot or work and understanding when combining two households....even if only one of them comes with children.

Even though I have children...I was involved with someone who had a young child and quite frankly....I felt pangs of jealousy over it. I think, perhaps, this is because in the normal course of things you fall in love with someone and they belong 'just to you' for awhile. Then later....you add a family.

If the person already comes with a family or child....then you feel like you never got the chance to be the only person in their heart.

Love gets you beyond those feelings....but I know they are very real and think they are very valid. I respect anyone who admits having them.

[Duke]

I agree. It's very commendable that you can even admit to it BA. I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal and thank you for sharing it.

[Star]

I was a stepmother before i was a mother myself. Krystal's bio father was married and had 2 girls before we got together. He was divorced and we'd get the girls every weekend and for weeks on end during summer break.

I felt some jealousy but not with the girls, with the x. I didn't think it was fair that I had her girls every weekend and she had hers off all the time to go have fun and party. When we had the girls, I was stuck at home with them while he went out. fair? NOT!

I did fall madly in love with those 2 girls though. They became my world and when Krystal was born, they got a bit jealous that they no longer got my undevided attention. We overcame that quickly though. I love those girls till this day. They're now both in their 20's and I do see them still. Especially now that they are aunties.

The jealousy with the x didn't last too long either. About a year before his death, his x and I were talking and getting along very well without his knowledge. We had to as something really bad had happened to the girls so we had to work together to try and help them heal from it. We've been friends ever since.

Being in a blended family isn't easy for everyone in it. Time heals everything and the feelings of jealousy does disapear after awhile.