Sin's Bio father is calling

[Stone]

I am going to try to give history without making this son long.

I had Noah at 20 years old with his father who at the time was 24. We both meet in the "partying lifestyle" but when I got pregnant things cooled down alot, we had our child and we're to get married soon. We stayed togeather for another 1 1/2 years untill I came home from my bridial shower to find him passed out on my patio under the influence of oxycottons. ( I didn't know he was using at this time) and I decided to leave him becuase I didn't want this life for my child.

Shortly after Noah was hospitialized and his father came to the hospital and could not stay sober ( the hospital asked him to leave) and he didn't see him untill Noah was released 6 months later, after this I didn't leave him alone with Noah ever, but let him come to the house and see him

I filed for full cusody and was granted it because he never came to court to fight for his child. Now he has been calling for about 6-10 weeks to see if he can see his son, apparently he has been to drug rehab but I don't believe him and I wan't proof that he is clean. at the same time I want to just say forget it and stay out of our lives. Noah only know's my b/f as his father and we we're so excited for him to adopt him, His bio father will not let this happen.... I just don't know what to do... I don't want Noah to grow up and hate me because I keept his father away.

[Star]

It's a tough situation and I've been there myself with a slightly different one.

Hubby has a brother who is a drug addict and alcoholic, basically, he's scum and I have nothing to do with him. He was with this girl and had 2 kids with her. She was no better, although beneath the drugs, she was a good person.

Their kids got taken away from them and placed in foster care. My husband and I went to court to fight for temporary custody so we can have the 2 girls live with us. They were 2 and 3 at that time and my own kids were 10 and 7. We won our case so they came to live with us.

His visits were supervised by us all the time and he couldn't just show up at the house, he had to call ahead of time and make that plan to visit. Everytime he came, all the progress I'd made with the girls went down the toilet.

Their mother could only visit the kids at the CAS building. I had to take the girls there and wait for them until their visit was done. The kids were great after seeing her, no problems.

Could the father of your son not have supervised visits with anyone in authority? Does he have any custody or visitation rights at all legally? If not, perhaps taking him to court for child support and visitation could bring up these issues and he'd be forced to have the visits through CAS and he'd have to be sober or they wouldn't allow him his visit.

It's a tough call though ya know? Keeping your son from his drug abusing father to keep your son safe from harm or letting your son visit with him so your son doesn't hold that against you in later years. Either way could prove to be harmful. wow! what a tough place to be.

[Duke]

As far as I'm concerned, keeping a child from a drug abusing parent is a great thing to do. Maybe your child won't understand in the short term but the future will bring understanding.

Maybe educate your child on the dangers of being with someone under the influence of drugs. Your child may gain acceptance of your decision through better understanding of the entire situation.

Just an IMO.

[Stone]

He never showed up at our trial so the judge basically said the balls in my court, I can do whatever I want with the visitation, if i DON'T want to let him see him I don't have to .... Untill he decides to take me back to court, witch will never happen.

He has known for the last couple years that he needs to learn sign language to communicate with our son and still he doesn't do it...He's a Loser and I wish he would just let my b/f adopt him.

[Star]

if the ball is in your court then, if it were me, I wouldn't allow him to visit. Let him take you to court if he chooses to do that. Then you can demand he be drug free and have him tested regularly before he sees his son. wouldn't last long.

I don't know how it works where you are where adoption is concerned but the way it works here is that if the biological parent is alive, they have to sign for it. If they refuse to sign, then there's a battle in court. The court just might find him unfit enough to strip his rights away from him and grand your b/f legal rights.

Hubby and I waited until we were married before he adopted my daughter (oldest one) because that's what we were advised to do. But, her biological father was dead so there was no fighting it there. It costs us about 750.00 and we had to do nothing.

[Stone]

Here it doesn't matter what a Peice of S*** the parnet is, If they don't sign there is no adoption.

I can however legally change is last name all I have to do is put some advertisement in the paper because I don't know his address and if he doesn't respond name changed.

The probality of him picking up a news paper is slim to none.

[Star]

a name change might be the best way to go then. If he's not going to be in your son's life, then why carry his name? As you said, will he really pick up a newspaper? probably not.

Before my husband adopted my daughter, we had 3 different last names in our little family of 4. What I did is registered her for school with hubby's last name, so this was the name she used although it wasn't legalized. They allow that here in Ontario, I don't know about the states.

It was funny cause one day at the doctor's she noticed the receptionist calling her by her legal last name and she asked me why she called her that? The expresion on her little face was priceless! She was about 6 at that time. She was happy when hubby adopted her and we all finally had the same last name.

[Duke]

Sorry to hijack, but it's what I do best :oops:

I have a hard time understanding how some idiot can chose drugs or anything for that matter over his/her child. I'd happily cut of limbs or step in traffic just to have my child feel no pain.

As far as I'm concerned your ex waived his rights long ago. I wouldn't worry about what he's going through because he sure didn't seem to care what you and your child were when he could have.

Plus, there's nothing saying that your child can't contact the father later in life if your son feels he wants a relationship with the man.

[sn00py]

a man who chose drugs over his child...

how do yall know my dad ????

[Duke]

That's sad sn00py, really it is.

How do you feel about your father because of this?

[Merika]

Stoneheather,
I have LOTS of experience between children and a missing Dad. I've seen heartache and disappointment between my children and their Dad which is almost beyond words. Years of absences....then he comes around and once again....they try. Remember last January when my daughter decided she was going to go live with a man she hadn't even seen for FIVE YEARS because he was her Daddy? There wasnt' a damn thing legally I could do about it!

I'm not going into the whole story here because I would prefer them telling their own side of the story....and hopefully one of them will.

I will tell you this....no matter what you do or what he has done....you wil NOT separate your child from him! You can keep them apart for a number of years perhaps....but you will not stop the relationship.

I've heard my children talk to other friends with Dead Beat dads. They may make jokes about them, cuss them or any other number of things....but deep in their heart....that's their DAD. And nothing is going to change it.

This is not just my opinion....I know that I know it to be true.

I would go through the courts, obtain joint and individual therapy sessions ordered by the court, supervised visitations....ANYTHING to make the transition smoother than it will be when your son announces to you that he HAS a Dad and intends to check out the relationship.

I'll tell Isis you are going through this and have her post her feelings. No one knows more than she does how the love you feel for a parent....however SORRY A$$ED they are....does not negate the child's love or need for them.

[Stone]

That is exactly what I am afraid of.... as well as him being in and out of Noahs life, I am afraid he won't see that I am trying to protect him and adventually resent me for it. i just don't want my child to be disipointed.

I know deep down somewhere in the black hole of a heart is father has, he is a good person. but a good father is not possible at this time.

I meet my 1/2 sister when she was 16, and I still resent my father for not growing up with her.

has anyone seen the movie Riding in cars with boys with Drew Barymore? This is the story of my life! LOL ( with his father anyways)

[Star]

Merika, you are absolutely correct and I agree with every you've said.

My daughter yearns for her biological family that I've kept away from her all her life. She also yearns for her dead father. I guess it's human nature to want to know your biological parents. I probably would've gone through the same things as the both of you had with your children if her father didn't die. He wasn't a very good person either and I don't think i'd want him to visit with my daughter unsupervised either. Him dying (and I do hate to actually say this) made it easier for me as far as my daughter was concerned to not have any part of that family again.

I do feel your pain and frustration with this delema. It can't be esy to have to deal with.

[Isis]

I remember the last time i saw my dad before he dissapeared, my mom and dad were personally seperated and he would come and visit us sometimes...well he told us that he would be there the following Monday...and the monday he was supposed to come my brother and I were waiting outside for him from 7am to 7pm and he never showed up....

when my brother and I got to be a little older we started to ask our mom why dad wasnt around...she told us that he wasnt worth being sad over....but we had always remembered him as being a great dad, when he came home from work just before he would pull in the driveway my bro and I would jump on the hood and ride up to the house.....

About 4 years ago we had finally stoped caring about where our dad was and things started getting better and my mom and bro and I were starting to be a real family....and then My Dad called and he said that he was sorry for everything and i was so happy just that he was there finally that i never asked him why he left....

now it has been HORRIBLE he is a @$$clown who hasnt helped my mom raise us in 7 YEARS!!!! and still hasnt paid child support....he is a druggy con-artist who isnt worth being on the face of the earth...

So StoneHeather...if your son's biological father is anything like ,mine, then you're better off not letting your son know him because at first your son will only see the good in him but as he gets older he will start to think...why doesnt my dad live with me?? and I think that it would be better if he thought your boyfriend was his real dad and didnt know that he had a deadbeat dad

because in the long run it is easier for the child to just remember good times about his father/stepfather than bad memories about a deadbeat dad

[Stone]

thank you so much ISIS I am so glad you responded to my post, I am glad I got the other side of the story. Give your mom a big hug tonight because it's really hard for us "mom's" in this situation to. And from reading your posts she did a WONDERFUL job raising you, you should be very proud of your mother..I hope my child ends up like you