Adoption - Open or Closed?

Merika · 02-17-2006, 10:47 AM

I was watching a program last night (on TLC I think) where different types of adoption contracts were drawn up depending on the individuals participating.

1. If you were to adopt, would you want the birth mother participating in and having a visitation schedule with child you adopted?

2. If you were giving up a baby for adoption, would you want a closed or open adoption?

(Star's case is different in that it involved a family member....I was talking more about strangers.)

Adonaicole · 02-17-2006, 01:52 PM

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1. If you were to adopt, would you want the birth mother participating in and having a visitation schedule with child you adopted?

Yes, a child should know their parent as much as possible.

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2. If you were giving up a baby for adoption, would you want a closed or open adoption?

Open, I don't believe in closed adoptions.

Fayebelle · 02-17-2006, 04:42 PM

depends on the reason for adoption though I think it should be up to the parent placing the child for adoption incest and rape make it hard for the birth mother and esp father to have a "healthy" relationship w/the resulting child or a seriously underage child having a kid a 13yr old may not be able to handle visitation w/the child they placed for adoption

Star · 02-17-2006, 08:57 PM

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Originally Posted by Merika

1. If you were to adopt, would you want the birth mother participating in and having a visitation schedule with child you adopted?

Most deffinately. I feel that a child needs to know thier roots and where they came from. Of course the birth family (mother, father, grand-parents) would have to make the effort. If they don't, then it would be their loss but at least I could tell my child that I tried.

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2. If you were giving up a baby for adoption, would you want a closed or open adoption?

Actually, we were going to give eriak up for adoption to strangers. that was the plan until I broke down and couldn't go through with it. We were looking for an open adoption family because I wanted to stay in the child's life forever.

I think giving a child up for adoption has got to be the hardest and bravest thing anyone can do. I felt the torment when we had decided to do this and couldn't go through with it. It was horrible! the pain was unbearable for me. I'm not that brave I guess.

In the end, I'm very very happy that we changed our minds; we all are. Look at all we'd be missing. strangers would've been enjoying her all this time. the thought just makes my heart ache. She sure has been a joy to have around and we don't regret our final decision at all.

Merika · 02-17-2006, 09:48 PM

I would never be a person willing to adopt someone in an open adoption situation. I wouldn't want to 'share' the baby with someone else who thinks they are anything more than the birth mother. I WOULD want the records available to the child when they turn 18 though....because then they need to know who brought them into the world and about their roots.

If I gave up a child for adoption...I would feel the same way. I would only want the child to have my information once they got to an age where they were mature enough to look me up. I would find it much harder to visit or look at pictures of a baby I, for whatever reason, had to give up for adoption.

One thing I will say though....adoptive parents always seem so wonderful and thankful. I think most adopted children are probably in great loving homes.

darkangelism · 02-18-2006, 01:43 AM

yeah i agree with merika...i am adopted, so i have a good perspective on it, the adoptive parents need to be the sole caregiver, having the birth mother around will only confuse the child, once they are old enough then maybe they can meet the birth mother.

Star · 02-18-2006, 08:35 AM

I've had 2 friends who were adopted. One didn't get a good adoptive mother but the other one had wonderful parents but they both felt the same about one thing. They wanted, all their lives, to know where they came from and hated that they had to wait until they were 18 to find anything out; if they even could.

The adoption lady I was involved with told me that open adoptions are the best for children. They don't grow up ever feeling like the "one that doesn't belong" and they're grateful that they had the chance to know their mother, grandparent, siblings. She told us that the adoptive parents were grateful also because then, the hard questions are answered to the child with the biological parent or relative there.

It all makes good sense to me. The red tape you have to go through to find out just basic medical information at 18 is unreal and sometimes takes years after that before you even know anything.

To each their own though. There are people who wouldn't want an open adoption, and that's perfectly okay, but the open adoption is becoming extremely popular now and from what I heard from the adoption lady is that the kids are much happier kids in the end.

In most cases too what happens is the birth parent and/or family members slowly give up on the visits and disapear anyways. It's almost like a weaning off process for most people.

Vautrin · 02-18-2006, 09:29 AM

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Originally Posted by Star

I've had 2 friends who were adopted. One didn't get a good adoptive mother but the other one had wonderful parents but they both felt the same about one thing. They wanted, all their lives, to know where they came from and hated that they had to wait until they were 18 to find anything out; if they even could.

And what about the rights of sperm donors? The issue with forcing sperm donors to be available for the kids has resulted in a spectacular decline in sperm donors here. So much, that there even is a shortage. Can we say, that not-being born is to be preferred over being born, but not knowing who your biological parents are? Very hard to make out, IME.

These issues are extremely tricky, certainly from legal and moral points of view.

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The adoption lady I was involved with told me that open adoptions are the best for children. They don't grow up ever feeling like the "one that doesn't belong" and they're grateful that they had the chance to know their mother, grandparent, siblings.

That can be advantageous. But it can also be a total disaster. Especially when the biological parents lay claim to the child, which is now the responsibility of the adoptive parents - which is even more confusing for the child. That can happen when you give your child up for adoption. You can't enjoy the perks for free, and avoid the worse things at the same time.

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It all makes good sense to me. The red tape you have to go through to find out just basic medical information at 18 is unreal and sometimes takes years after that before you even know anything.

That applies to all citizens, not just adopted children.

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To each their own though. There are people who wouldn't want an open adoption, and that's perfectly okay, but the open adoption is becoming extremely popular now and from what I heard from the adoption lady is that the kids are much happier kids in the end.

That is hard to tell. Probably the kids that are put up for closed adoption are not from the same background as the kids that are put up for open adoption. (Think substance adictions to name but one category).

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In most cases too what happens is the birth parent and/or family members slowly give up on the visits and disapear anyways. It's almost like a weaning off process for most people.

Yes, but what if you are the adopting parent, and get constantly hassled by the biological one (in indirect ways), for not taking care of the child properly, and using the child to set it up against its parents? The virtues of open adoptions are also vulnerabilities of the whole system.

Hard issues, and I would not know which to choose to be honest, if I were to adopt.

Star · 02-18-2006, 05:38 PM

as far as the sperm donors, that should automatically be a closed adoption.

Of course there are special circumstances involved with adoptions and what it boils down to, are the parties involved personal needs and choices.

It really isn't an easy decision to make in any circumstances and it is very hard to say what you would do or wouldn't do until you're living it.

It is one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make in my entire life at that time and I was a mess. This wasn't MY biological child, she was my daughter's. I had to make sure that whatever decision we chose wouldn't have a long term effect on all of us. especially my daughter and grandchild.

I hope to god i never have to relive that again as long as i live!

Merika · 02-18-2006, 10:22 PM

I couldn't have made any other decision than the one you made Star!!

darkangelism · 02-18-2006, 11:29 PM

i wish i could be a sperm donor i could use the money.

Star · 02-19-2006, 11:57 AM

couldn't anyone be a sperm donor if they want to be DA? all you do is walk into a clinic, go into that little room with your magazines and donate right?

Thanks Merika. I have a few people in my life that's told me they would've never done what I did. I say that's a crock. People jsut don't know unless they're in that situation. I'd rather walk on hot coals then have to go through that again.

darkangelism · 02-19-2006, 10:52 PM

no, i looked into it, most places have a height requirement of 6 foot. Most women who want sperm donations want a tall white guy, usually one who is intelligent. So im too short to do it, i mean i prolly could find a place, its just harder.

Merika · 02-20-2006, 08:43 AM

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Originally Posted by Star

Thanks Merika. I have a few people in my life that's told me they would've never done what I did. I say that's a crock. People jsut don't know unless they're in that situation. I'd rather walk on hot coals then have to go through that again.

How could you look in a baby's face which has your genes in it and walk away? I think it's great when young females chose giving up a baby for adoption because there are so many wonderful families out there....but as an adult...it's not something I could do. I think as a Grandma....you feel as protective over that baby as a mother does.

I'm in love with my granddaughter....just as much as if I had given birth to her myself.