Adoption

Star · 11-02-2004, 10:30 AM

What are your views and/or experiences with adoption? If you were an adopted child, did you have a happy home? How do you feel about your biological parents? What do parents tell their adopted children when they ask about their biological family? Did you chose an open or closed adoption?

I'm dealing with giving my grand child up for adoption at this present time because our daughter is in no way ready to be a mom to her child. We want an open-adoption so we can be involved in the baby's life and he can get to know us and know that we do love him.

It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. Before this month is over, I'll be saying goodbye to my first born grand child. I would love some input from people who have adopted and people who are adopted so that maybe it will put my mind at ease and relieve the heartbreak a bit. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

sn00py · 11-02-2004, 08:03 PM

if i fpund out i was adoptid i would still love my mom but i would be a lil mad they didnt tell me sooner...

Duke · 11-02-2004, 08:27 PM

I think adoption can be just as good as being with your biological parents so long as there good people. I'm not fond of my biological father but love my mom and consider a stranger I met on a sales trip many years ago dad.

As far as being involved in the childs life, well, that's a tough one.

Stone · 11-02-2004, 08:34 PM

My boss is adopted and so is my soon to be brother in law, they both came from great homes and are both mentally happy adults.. My inlaw says he want's to see what his parents look like but he doesn't want to have a relationship with them, he thinks of his adopted faimly as his faimly and they are and they are wonderful.

i think people who adopt children are usually great parents because they want it and the state makes sure they are ready for it.

Is there a adoption already in progress?

Duke · 11-02-2004, 10:19 PM

You know it's funny, why is it that bad things happen to good people? I know it's unrelated to this topic but you're all aces in my book and it seems you've all spent some time in a ****storm with no umbrella and your mouth stuck open.

Merika · 11-03-2004, 01:35 PM

I've known three couples who have adopted. They are all WONDERFUL parents. I've never figured out why some couples have a hard time having a baby when they are capable of giving it such a stable homelife....and then so many others get pregnant who are not prepared to take care of a child.

Even if it's the greatest couple/family in the world who raises your grandchild as their own..... certainly doesn't minimize your great loss and pain over giving the child up. That has got to be the hardest decision in the world for both you and your daughter.

Duke · 11-03-2004, 06:11 PM

Her daughter may not care now, but it's likely it will bother her much later in life.

Star · 11-03-2004, 08:14 PM

Today we talked to an adoption agency. The ball is rolling. we have a ton of papers to fill out. The baby will more than likely go into a private foster home until the adoptive parents have gone through all the procedures needed.

This really sucks for me. I'm feeling depressed and emotionally drained. Krystal is acting like this is nothing at this time. I know she will be affected by it later when she grows up and it really sinks in. They have pushed the date of birth up again. She will be induced on Monday, the 8th now. I am here at my parents now so i can be at the hospital in 5 minutes.

I am so sad. I thank god that we do have the option of an open-adoption. It doesn't seem so bad now that I know i will be gramma to my grand child. Not like i would've liked to be but a little is more then never. I will need to go to councelling over this. I'm grieving already and the baby isn't born yet.

Thanks you guys for your input. I just hope this is the right thing.

Duke · 11-03-2004, 08:29 PM

I'm sorry to hear that star. I can't imagine how tough it must be for you. I guess the only consolation I can offer is that we all share a deep concern for you, your family and your situation.

Be strong, as I know you can be. You're an amazing woman and I think you're doing extremely well considering the circumstances you've been through over the past while.

It will be the right decision. Any decision made to protect the best interests of a young child are good decisions, never doubt that.

Sincerely,

Ken

PS: If you ever need anyone to listen, I'm here.

Merika · 11-03-2004, 09:28 PM

I've been thinking about this on and off Star...trying to think how I would feel in your situation. At first I thought I would just keep the baby....then I thought about this:

If you decided to keep the baby, even if you had legal custody, nothing is going to stop your daughter from taking that child at any point and hauling a$$ again. Then, not only do you have your daughter to worry about....but an innocent child who may not be well taken care of. A child that you feel all the responsibility for.

I really do think, unless you really feel differently after the baby is born, that the safest and best place for the baby is with a good family.

You aren't putting the baby up for adoption because you don't want him....you are putting him up for adoption because you LOVE him enough to sacrifice your relationship with him....so he has the chance of a wonderful life. It's a very selfless act. I admire you for it.

Duke · 11-03-2004, 09:59 PM

Quite honestly, if your daughters really screwed up and is alone with the baby, there may be nothing stopping her from just nabbing the child all together. It's a scary thought, especially if something happens to her, the baby, or both.

Star · 11-04-2004, 09:27 AM

I've thought of all that and then some throughout her whole pregnancy. I've been thinking about nothing but for the past 9 months. The system wouldn't allow her to keep the baby at all. i'm the only one who can. I know this is the right decision, especially for the baby. As brave as this is to do, it's not easy at all. My heart just wants to grab him up and take him home and never let go of him. My head tells me that's not the right thing to do.

My parents are also grieving this loss already. everyone is. everyone but krystal that is. she will in time i suppose; when she matures and realizes what she's done. One day at a time. that's all i can do for now.

I found out yesterday that the guy (that 23 year old) is not the father to this baby. it's a drug addicted crack head of 18 years old that is (nice people my daughter hangs with huh?!?). she says she was with this other guy for maybe 2 months. she doesn't even know his real name for god sakes! she only knows his nick name. She has no clue where he is or how to find him so the adoption will go ahead without his consent. Krystal has been tested several times for drugs and came out clean everytime. Hopefully the tests are right.

Stone · 11-04-2004, 11:03 AM

I wouldn't consider keeping the baby a girl I know got pregnant at 16 and her mom got cusody of the child and the child still call's her mom and the grandmother Grandma it worked well for awhile, then she decided she wanted to be a parent and be active in the childs life then she got sick of it and stoped this has gone back and forth for about 5 years now the child is 6 years old and always asks his Grandma why his mommy doesn't love him, Where is his mother ect.... And it is very had for the Grandmother unfortuanatly if anything ever happened to the Grandmother this child would be put in foster care.

i am sure there will be a married loving couple that would adore this baby and make it feel loved no mater what, If your daughter can't love herself now how can she love anyone else?

Merika · 11-04-2004, 11:42 AM

I agree with Stoneheather. The scenario she gives would be more heart wrenching than going thru what you are feeling now to make sure this baby doesn't have a life like that. He deserves better.

Your daughter may feel cold about the baby now....that all could change when she holds him the first time. It's possible that then she will realize how foolish she has been. It may bring about a whole new maturity.