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Dear Dog and Cat,
Got this in email
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else,
not switch positions with each other so there are
still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping.
They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
(In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not
mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other dogs' or cats' butts. I cannot stress this
enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To
pacify you I have posted the following message on
our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to
complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is
an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't
drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.
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