I'm wondering what you all would do in this situation.....
Most of you know that our daughter Krystal was with this low life scum bag that's 23 years old....she's 16.
The other day, a letter came into the mail, or should I say, came back to our address. It was a letter that Krystal sent to that low life in jail with pictures of the baby in it and lots of I miss you's. I showed it to hubby and we decided to keep in hidden in his safe for now. Leaving krystal to think that he doesn't write back so he moved on kind of thing because we don't want him in her life at all.
Last night, Krystal informed me that there was no "other guy" that could be the father to her child. It's that 23 year old loser. We've already registered the baby as having an unknown father so there isn't a threat there unless he's willing to fork out a lot of money to prove he is the father.
I talked to hubby about how I was feeling. 1/2 of me wants this loser to pay child support but the other 1/2 of me doesn't want him to be in her life right now because of his lifestyle and that he's so much older then our daughter. I couldn't stomach that. He said that we should leave things the way they are for now and deal with these issues when and if they come up in the future. I agreed to that.
Now I'm wondering if I just set myself up for my daughter to resent me in the future or not. I really do strongly feel it's the right thing to do at this time until Krystal matures a little more so that maybe she could understand that we did this out of love and care for her and the baby.
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From experience, I can tell you that in the end the only thing which will matter is Erika and how she feels about her Dad. No matter what you saw or do or what she hears.....blood is thick. My daughter didn't see her dad for almost 6 years. When he showed back up....she immediately decided she was going to live with him. It was the worst 4 months of my life.
Eventually he's going to find out, Krystal is going to find out and Erika is going to find out. Trying to shelter your girls may only come back to bite you in the long run.
Then, not only will you have to deal with this idiot who has legal rights to visit your granddaughter, you may also have a granddaughter or daughter who is totally pissed off at you for keeping them all apart.
I would want to do EXACTLY what you and your husband feel is the best course of action. In the end though....it just may not work at all.
You knew when you make the choice to keep Erika that it was going to be a long road with lots of possibilities for heartbreak and hard decisions. It looks like you are already facing the first one. I guess all you can do is exactly what you HAVE been doing....let your love for the girls guide you.
I'm so sorry...because Life shouldn't have to be so hard when you are trying to do the right thing.
Isn't there a chance that he might have sent it back without even reading it?
Star, let her make her own misteakes. She'll never learn otherwise...
Love her, support her, but don't shelter her. It's time to grow up and see whom she decided to take a permenant place in her life... If he's indeed a scumbag, he won't wait to show his true colors. If not, Great!!!
Just a thought.
I know I'd hate my parents forever if they's do that to me. Allow her the chance to confront this guy. She'll become a stronger woman afterwards.
If he was younger I wouldn't be doing this. He's 23 and she's 16. He's a diddler in my eyes and she will end up feeling like the victim when she matures and realizes that it's not normal for a 23 year old man to be with a 16 year old girl. she was only 15 when he got together with her!!
He's god in her eyes right now. why wouldn't he be? he's a grown man and she's still a child. He didn't read the letter because it came back saying "not here" on the envelope. He's always stayed far away from her dad and i because he knows what he did wasn't right.
I would never talk badly to erika about her biological father, she's part him. that would just be cruel to do and hurt her. We're not ever 100% sure that he is the father. it's just what krystal says. Hubby and I would want proof first.
He knows that Krystal was pregnant and he also knows that she gave birth to a baby girl. He was at the hospital a couple times before i got there. he made sure he was gone by the time i got there. I asked him earlier in krystal's pregnancy if he was the one who empregnated my daughter (saw him in court once for the first time and confronted the diddler) and he denied it. He's a big loser that prays on young girl's weaknesses.
I have some hard thinking to do. What if we allow this to happen and it turns out he's not the father? I'd wish I'd kept my mouth shut then. I really think that letting nature take its course is the right thing to do for now. It's hiding the letter that bothers me the most. that's the skeleton we created in the closet!
__________________ Life is what you make of it. Make it happen.
If she was 15 it wasnt legal, even in Canada, age of consent is 16, my friend who is 21 tried to date a 16 year olld there so i looked uo the law. Anyway that guy is a major scumbag. He must have serious issues if he doesnt go after girls his age.
Too bad you are not in the US everything would be different, you would have the godlike power over her that you should have. You could keep them apart, Do whatever is necessary.
But in your situation i think that you should take the hardest position you can, take the risk that she will get mad at you.
If she was 15 it wasnt legal, even in Canada, age of consent is 16, my friend who is 21 tried to date a 16 year olld there so i looked uo the law.
Legal age here is not 16, it's 14 so she was legal at 15. the law sux here, it really does. I don't know if it's the same in all provinces but in Ontario, that's what it is.
The age difference is the only reason that hubby and i are doing this. If he was just a boy around her age, we wouldn't be keeping anything secret. I still feel like I'm being dishonest to my daughter though. I've never been dishonest with my kids.
__________________ Life is what you make of it. Make it happen.
I hate to say it star, but I'd prolly stay out of it as well. You may think your doing well and I think your hearts in the right place but your daughter may resent you more and if she takes off because of it you'll likely blame yourself. Age has nothing to do with it and legal is legal.
I'm sorry and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but you really need to talk to your daughter and do your best to support her. Making her decisions for her is no way for her to learn either.
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I think you should let this one go, and if there are anymoe then you need to have a talk with your daughter, look how good she has done since he has been in jail, she's getting her **** togeather, if he gets out she'll leave and it will be a slap in your face and the baby will be in harm. I'm sorry but the baby is your #1 concern. He's an Arse!! She'll realise it sooner or later.... I disagree with the bunch and say hide it, but just this one time... can you possibly have DCF tell her she can't contact him.... He is no good for this baby he's in jail for gods sake.
I personally think you are doing the right thing, that baby needs to be protected, and if Krystal meets this man again and goes back to her old behavior then what.... It isn't fair to you Star, your Husband or that Child. You guys are the childs caregivers, you've been proven fit. If this man gets involved it could be nasty. and I hope to god it doesn't get that way, I hope he doesn't want to take the responsibility to get a P test, He obviously has no faimly values or he would want his g/f and he himself should respect you and your husband.
I've made up my mind. I'm keeping this one to myself. This guy is number one too old for her, 2 he's in jail for armed robbery....very dangerous and 3...he hasn't showed any interest in this child's life. He was just interested in diddling with my young teenage daughter.
More about this guy that I know:
He married a woman to get into this country and has children someplace. He's not divorced and still lives with this lady. gave my daughter clamidia 3 times!! tells me that he's sleeping with many many other women. he's really no good! If he wasn't such a low life, I wouldn't have a problem giving him a chance but as it stands now, no way!
I put the fear of god into him that time i seen him in court. told him he had no clue who he was messing with and to back off or he'd have to deal with her dad. Not a good thing for him so he stays away from us. He seen hubby. he don't want to go there. That alone will keep him away.
Hubby and i are responsible for erika until krystal is proven fit to take over. She's on the road to recovery and doing very well lately. She's even getting along with her dad for the past week!! (that's a story on its own) which is a huge improvement.
When she meets the man of her dreams later on in life, I will confess to her what her dad and I hid from her to protect her and erika. I don't think she'll hate me because by then she'll realize how much of a loser this guy was considering how old he is. She will feel like a victim in the future. She'll understand, I know she will because she'll put herself in our shoes now that she's got her own daughter.
Thanks for all your advice. I took all of it in and appreciated it all. I might of gave the same advice as most did if it weren't my daughter this was happening to. It is so it puts it in a totally different perspective for me. I am a lioness when it comes to my children. I protect them with all i have and always will until the day i die.
Legal or not, this is my baby girl that he was messing with and it's sick. it wasn't legal when i was that age! statutory rape back then so to me, it's wrong now.
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It is your choice star and it's not an easy one. I hope everything works out for the best. I can't blame you though for trying to keep him away, I had no idea he was as rough as he is.
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No matter what you decide, Star, I'm (we're) here for you, supporting you 150%. You're a mother first, I trust your feelings about this guy.
You're totally intittled to try to protect your daughter, also my opinion of her finding out the harsh reality by herself is obviously different.
Just... burn that letter and try to imagine it simply got lost. If indeed you decide to keep it from Krystall, make the "evidence" vanish . It won't be to funny to have your daughter discover it by mistake.
Lots of luck, and do what Scarlett does when she feels guilty about something:"Think about it tomorrow!!!"
I think when he gets out of jail he needs to have an "accident" from which he never wakes.
Yeah...I was thinking the same thing.
Wait till he gets out and figure out a way to plant some drugs on him. He'll accept it from some girl in a bar. Set him up while he's still on probation. Maybe they'll deport his sorry self.
Does the state have any idea at all he's the Dad? If you can keep them out of it....you may be able to pull it off for awhile anyway.
. It won't be to funny to have your daughter discover it by mistake.
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