Hi everyone, i'm new on here and feel i may have found a lifeline!
As the title suggests, my hubby and I are having some major issues and have been like this for quite a while. I will try and stick to just 1 issue at a time when posting so as not to write long essays!
So, does anyone have any advice on how to increase my sex drive? It has completely deserted me to the point where I would be happy to never be touched or do it again. Obviously this is not ideal when married and it's leading to my husband feeling unloved and unwanted, and me feeling insecure that he will find someone else.
Hard to say what the solution is, since we have little information. It is quite unlikely that your hormones are all messed up. Sometimes a birth control pill can reduce your sex drive, in which case changing to another pill might improve matters.
It is more likely that you and your husband are dealing with various frustrations in life, which kill your sex drive. Having a child for instance is a commonly identified sex-drive killer.
Your husband may see sex as the solution, but for you the solution would be to improve the rest of your life first, before you are really happy to have sex again.
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The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore
Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno
A bit of background, I have been married for nearly 7 years and have 2 children. They're not babies though and I am lucky enough not to work so I don't have work pressure or tired from babies as an excuse.
It has got slowly worse over the years. 3 years ago we suffered a miscarriage and a year later I found that my husband had had a string of 1 night stands and had been talking to people online including an ex who he was discussing our marriage problems with. The cheating had been going on over the time when I lost the baby and even when I was in hospital.
I chose to forgive him and we have both worked very hard to rebuild our relationship.
I feel that sex has caused a lot of pain and trouble and I think I assosiate it with that so have mentally blocked out, but my husband can't accept that i have no interest at all.
I desperately want to make our relationship complete, but don't know how to kick start it cos it has become habit to push him away.
Undoubtedly the cheating does play a part. Whereas you probably see sex as something that requires an emotional connection, that does not seem to be the case with your husband. Unsurprisingly, you find it very hard to get on the same page about this issue.
It is possible that your lack of sex drive is a consequence of the problems the two of you experience in the relationship. That could also be about communication styles, stresses, the life you lead (as opposed to the life you had plotted out for yourselves).
In the case of my ex, her sex drive was almost completely non-existent in the last year of our relationship. Tried different form of birth control (including even going off it, since she has a condition that makes it highly unlikely for her to get pregnant), but we failed to pay sufficient attention to each other. What really killed it, was when her father got gravely ill, so she had a lot of stress to deal with. I tried to be supportive to the best of my ability.
My life was hardly easier - I hated my job, and she simply could not relate to me, and the stress I was experiencing. I never really pushed for sex as a solution, but I suppose it would have reduced some of the stress on my part.
Lots of potential external factors can contribute to an almost non-existent sex drive. Often those external factors are reflected in the communication between the people involved. How is your general communication with your husband?
__________________
The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore
Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno
I would say our communication is fairly good, i'm quite an open person and not shy about alking to him about my feelings. He's a bit more private but we have discussed this issue many times and although we can understand each others points of view we can't see a way of meeting in the middle.
It's not like the complaint is that the house is a mess and i cna say ok I will do more housework. There isn't really a compramise on my part, i literally flinch if he goes to touch me, and if he hugs me t pull away cos when i have hugged back or kissed him he thinks it's a green light to take things further so we don't really have any physical contact other than holding hands.
From the outside, "flinching" does look like an extreme response. Though you have forgiven him for the actual acts of cheating, that does not mean that has cheating has not impacted on your perceptions on intimacy. This does not even have to be a conscious response on your part, and this is consistent with the flinching you mention. That is something your husband really needs to understand; that his actions can have long-lasting impact on you.
Is he actively trying to woo you? Emotional trust and intimacy are very difficult to regain. Much more than in the past he will have to show that he actually loves you, in words and actions.
Have you and your husband been in marriage counseling to deal with the issues that led to him straying in the first place, to get a better understanding of what drove him to do what he has done? If not, would you and your husband be willing to consider such a thing? The better an understanding you and your husband have of past drives and actions, the easier it will be to adjust behavior in a positive way.
__________________
The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore
Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno
I can't really fault his behaviour since we decided to tr and make our marriage work. He no longer goes online and doesn't drink anymore, he really commited to making the changes I asked of him. He works really hard to provide for us and has more patience, he does show he loves me and i do trust him now, which i thought i never would.
But in terms of wooing as you put it, that doesn't really happen anymore. He did try dates and being romantic but I just feel awkward cos i know what he's expecting so I clam up.
I can't imagine not being with him bt I would rather seperate than be intimate. I have told him this and he has chosen to stay knowing our se life may never return.
We have talked about counselling but never got round to it.
I think a lot of it is i have got in the habit of pushing him away and if i could just find a way of giving my drive a boost then maybe i'd realise that it's not a bad thing
there is no miracle pill to get our sex drive back, I am afraid. loss of sex drive, as V. pointed out, is only a consequence, not the cause of your issues. you obviously want it to go away, but it doesn't work that way.
you need to understand what frustrated you to the point of not physically want to be intimate with your husband. Get a professional or counseling. Lots of books out there. Even if you don't have the money, invest in 3 to 5 sessions and allow the psychiatrist to guide you and allow you to explore your issues.
in other words, it is dead serious, and if you don't look out right now, your marriage will go down the drain. sex drive is a deadly serious red flag.
take care,
twinkle
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the universe is made out of stories, not atoms
It does sound like your husband is making a decent effort and that is commendable. However as long as he "expects" to be rewarded for his efforts, they all will prove to be fruitless. For you the connection between his behavior and his motives is immediate and obvious. Even when he has no real expectation, for you the expectation exists, and there is no easy way to combat that.
Your moral views could also play a role in it, but with regards to cheating as well as sex. I am not saying they are "wrong" (it is mainly a personal preference), but they can certainly inhibit your desire for intimacy. Even the miscarriage you suffered can play a huge part, because such an event can greatly impact on a woman's self-perception of her body, her life, and her desire for sex. It is not easy to disentangle this, and that is why I think the two of you could greatly benefit from counseling. For you to better understand your instinctive reactions (flinching, pushing him away), and for him to understand that the rewards of his efforts will not be immediate.
__________________
The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore
Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno
You say you trust him. i do not think you really do. What makes this obvious is everything he does , being romantic or affectionate your convinced has the obvious goal of getting sex. This is my opinion and only an opinion. He needs to be romantic and affectionate with out the goal being sex. You need to trust his expression of love is really love not just an attempt to get sex. That might take time. And it it would be worth it. I think you need PROOF HE LOVES you and that will not happen over night.
Re: Sooo many issues....
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