my fiance took away sex

Laura · 04-14-2005, 01:30 PM

The other day my fiance and i had a pregnancy scare. Turned out that i wasn't pregnant, however the thought that i could be had us in turmoil all day. The Doctor told me to go off birth control for a while and let my body get back on track before i start again, i have been on it for seven years straight. I'm getting married September 4th, 4.5 months away, because of our pregnancy scare my fiance has said that he will not make love to me until we are ready to have a baby. This worries me because we both have careers and are quite possibly moving to Ireland after our wedding. Babies are not in my immediate future. I am starting to wonder if sex is either. Am i about to enter what could be a sexless marriage? How can he take this part of our relationship away and not expect me or understand why i am so hurt and bothered by it? My fiance is far more catholic than myself, and would prefer that i not be on any type of birth control. He recently told me that sex isn't worth it to him if i have to be on hormones or he has to use condoms, it should be completely natural. I told him that i would not become a baby machine and quit my career to raise his empire for him. Birth control is a must in our marriage and if it doesn't work for some reason, then we will have a baby and deal with it; we will be married and we are already succesful. His reply was that we will concern ourselves with that when we get to it. That really bothered me, i have no intention of staying off birth control, and i am in fear that he will withhold sex from me within our marriage. I can't get him to promise me that that birth control within our marriage will not be a problem for our sex life. The thing is, he only recently got obsessed about me not being on birth control, and if i am not, than we will not make love until after we are married. It's as simple as this, i enjoy sex and i don't want to give it up with my fiance for the next 4.5 months. My plan is to stay off BC for a couple of months and then go back on just before our wedding. i will have better control of whether or not we have a child, but if an accident happens, we will be ok. He tells me that 4.5 months is nothing, and that he's hurt by the fact that the sex is so important to me, i'm hurt for the exact opposite reasons. He says it's to ensure that i don't get pregnant before our wedding, but i feel undesirable, unsexy, and punished by him for taking this out of our lives. How should i address this? Let the four months go and enjoy married "Love" or somehow insist on physical love between now and then? Any guidance is appreciated.

darkangelism · 04-14-2005, 02:02 PM

First of all welcome,

You have to tell him how you feel, because your marriage will not last if there are sexual problems. Sex is important to a good relationship. You shouldnt have to sacrifice your career just for sex or your happiness.

Stone · 04-14-2005, 02:19 PM

Wow I am so glad to hear your story I am 6 months pregnant and my b/f won't touch me, says his penis got him in trouble so now he doesn't want to use it :? ( sorry I am blunt BTW)

Of course you feel rejcted I do to and it's a horrible feeling not be intimate with your partner. Have your tried to explain to him that it feels like he is regecting YOU? It sucks to have to beg for intamacy. How long has this been going on? He's a man chances are he'll come around

Duke · 04-14-2005, 02:53 PM

Welcome to Lifesupporters Laura, you'll find an official welcome posted here.

As for your issue with your fiance, I believe you have every reason to worry. I can understand that a pregnancy scare can cause some turmoil in the back of your minds but putting conditions (that you have no say in) on when you return to your physical intimacy isn't fair IMO. You both should be able to sit down and express your feelings and come to an amicable solution together. I worry that, once married. he may start calling the shots and giving you less and less choices. I could be wrong on this, but to me marriage is a partnership that takes two people to make work, not one person barking out orders. If that's the case then you may as well dump him now, join the army, and get bossed around by a drill seargent.

Many men fear the use of the condom, I was one too in my younger days. There really not that bad and there's many available options out there for you both to try. The fact that he's unwilling to even try concerns me a bit as well. Wouldn't you do nearly anything for the woman you love, especially less than 5 months away from marriage? Also, if he's witholding sex, how is the wedding night going to go? Wedding, party, first married dance, friends, family, off to the honeymoon, no sex, hey babe, lets watch telervision.

Personally, I'd sit him down and tell your side of the story. Impress upon him that you too have needs and your concerned that he's not considering them. This worry alone can cast a seed of doubt that can grow and get uglier far into the marriage. Personally, I wouldn't let it take hold, sit him down and discuss it thouroughly.

At least, that's what I'd do.

Thanks for posting Laura, and again, welcome!

Laura · 04-14-2005, 03:38 PM

Thanks for the welcome and the quick responces! As you may imagine i am sitting at work dwelling on this stuff basiclly useless due to my spinning mind. I KNOW that this man loves me. He says that he's doing this for us, and that it can only improve our relationship. I don't agree with him and think that it will be damaging for our relationship. I am completely honest with him, and he's hurt by me feeling this way, says that love is so much more than sex. he's right, but it is ALSO sex. My best friend says that i need to focus on my breathing and clearing it our of my mind, stress will only eat me up and make me useless to everyone and everything around me. I'm doing my best but when the man you love askes you not to take your clothes off in front of him, i simply can't help but feel aweful, rejected, and undesirable. You guys are great, thanks for your support! I need it now....

Duke · 04-14-2005, 03:42 PM

You've come to the right place for support Laura, with anything that troubles you. If you don't find a forum or topic here that covers the issue, PM, or e-mail me and I'll set one up right away.

Just so you know, I think this is the oldest trick in the book and I hate it when people say this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laura

He says that he's doing this for us, and that it can only improve our relationship.

How can another person (other than a parent maybe) see inside of your soul and tell you what's good for you? Personally I think it's impossible.

Star · 04-14-2005, 06:56 PM

Hi Laura,

I'm sorry that you're so sad at a time when you should be full of joy and happiness.

I would deffinately sit him down and tell him how I feel and I would do that before I marry him. I would let him know of my concerns and wants and don't wants.

Since he is a catholic and by the sounds of it, he is a practicing one, it just might be a religion thing. I am a catholic and I know that catholics do not agree with sex before marriage so perhaps he might be feeling a little guilt about doing that so close to the wedding date. I've knows catholic couples to abstain from sex as soon as they got engaged until the wedding date.

If it is that he really truly believes that sex isn't high on the priority list of marriage then I think you need to really think about your future with this man. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? With a man who wants a sexless marriage? On his deffence, sex isn't the most important thing to a marriage but it is something that a married couple cannot live without as sex either. You need to be intimate with your life partner.

Do you think he will change after you marry him? he doesn't believe in using birth control so how are you supposed to control how many children you have? that part would have me question my upcoming marriage to this man also. Does he plan on keeping you barefoot and pregnant so you're trapped in the house with 5 or 6 kids? Is it a controlling issue with him? has he shown any signs of control?

You do need to sit down with your fiance and really have a heart to heart about all these issues before you marry him. Marriage is a partnership and you both need to be on the same page with absolutely everything so there are no surprises that you or he may regret after your married.

I've been with my husband for almost 16 years, married for 10 this year. We're on the same page about everything which makes us happily married. That is VERY important to be on the same page before you're married or you'll be divorced before you know it.

I truly hope that everything works out for you and your fiance. I wish you both the best.

twinkle · 04-14-2005, 08:19 PM

Hi, Laura

Sex is a an issue of GREAT importance. No matter what you think or what, in a relationship/marriage, there are 2 people to think and decide.

Communicate with him on that. Communicate a lot. I'm sorry, religion plays such an important role in everyone's life, you just have to prepared for everything.

My bf turned me off for 2 weeks - I was not on bc pills and he hated condoms. I felt like sh!t. And no matter what he said, it did get tohim also. Created a WHOLE lotta problems we were never able to solve.

Yup, we split up. If you ask me, had he not rejected me, we would have been fine and dandy.

Sex can keep a couple together. It's the foundation of a relationship. If he wants a preyer mate, tell him to go to church. You're his wife, his companion, a woman in flesh and blood. I don't think he understands that really. He has NO idea what he's getting himself into. No idea!!!!

Laura · 04-15-2005, 12:48 PM

Last night we met with a priest to ask him to preside over our wedding, the dinner was great, the conversation wonderful, but after we dropped the priest off we went back to the subject at hand. Here is where we are standing now.
He is in the process of changing careers right now and there is a strong possibility that we will be moving to Ireland right after our wedding. With the uncertainty of his income and where we will be living, we agreed that this would last only until he has a secure job to ensure that a baby can easily be taken care of, which should be in a couple of months top. During that time i can give my body a break from birth control as my doctor advised. my fiance swears to me that he is not rejecting me or wanting to withold his love. We can and will find other ways to be intimate in the mean time. He does accept me using birth control in our marriage, and will not give and take away sex, something that we aught to be sharing in the future. This is his wild card if you will, we agree that this WILL NOT be a sexless marriage, neither of us are ok with that, nor will i be expected or even asked to stay home barefoot and pregnant. I was as clear and honest and calm with him as i could possibly be. This hurts me, i feel rejected, as though you are controling this relationship and therefor me, this isn't an equal decission, i'm not in support of it and that i will do my best NOT to hold any resentment or further heartache over it. AND that i need a lot of love especially right now! In my heart and mind, this man is already my husband, my family, my most favorite person. He has left me with two options here, do as he says or leave him. I choose him and i will always choose him, he is my partner. However, i will not go quietly, he will know and now does know exactly how important this is to me. But you know what you guys? After arguing and crying over this point all week, i don't even want to have sex! :roll: I am offering it up and praying that this is something i can deal with for a while and be the support and strong wife he needs right now while in an uncertain position. Do you guys feel that i am making the right choices here? He's religious, he takes this seriously, he takes our marriage seriously, and the stability of our future family seriously too. I need to stand by him and let this go haugh?

darkangelism · 04-15-2005, 12:53 PM

how can you not be on Birth control still have sex and not be popping babies out? catholic familes this strict end up with a dozen kids for a reason, them being pregnant is the only way to have sex, and other ways to be initimate may work in the short term but what about 10 years from now?

Laura · 04-15-2005, 01:08 PM

i'm going to take a short break from BC, long enough to go off one form and switch to another, during that time hopefully he will get secured in a job and we will go back to our normal love life. His point is that BC and condoms don't work ALL the time and he won't take that chance right now. While i am switching forms and he's looking for a job, he feels it's the safest and smartest choice. After we're married it wont matter if BC doesn't work and i get pregnant, but i will be on it to have some control over whether this happens or not. I have never been engaged, or even close to it, never lived with a man, other than my brother and dad, and never had to deal with such huge life issues before. I pray that i am handeling them the best possible way.

Duke · 04-15-2005, 01:21 PM

Nothing works all the time but 99.9% is a pretty good statistic IMO.

Star · 04-15-2005, 01:29 PM

I think sitting down and talking about these issues is an awesome start. Birth control doesn't always mean no pregnancies (I have a 13 year old daughter who is the product of the pill).

It sounds to me like he really does love you and perhaps just wants to abstain from sex until marriage. It's only a few month away so why not? Just think of how great your wedding night will be! :wink:

The majority of catholics today aren't old school. they use birth control, they have sex like everybody else does. I don't think it will be an issue after you're married to him. I just think he wants to "cleanse" himself before taking his vows with you.

darkangelism · 04-15-2005, 01:30 PM

condoms are still very effective, about 93% and about 98% when used properly, very little risk. Also from what it seemed in your post was that he doesnt want you using BC at all.