Ms. Sensativity

Samson · 02-04-2005, 08:51 AM

I'd like your opinion.

Here I am, trying out my "New Attitude" for the New Year, doing everything Dr.Phil recommends to rescue my marriage, mainly because I'm afraid of damaging the kids (I know it might be an unrealistic fear, but it's there, nonetheless), and because divorce is just to damn complicated for a simple guy like myself who would rather suffer slowly throughout the rest of his life than simply bite the bullet now.

Again, I know, biting the bullet is the better option; but after reaching that brink, Delilah and I decided to pull back from the edge for the New Year. She'd get a job, and bury her hatchets, and I'd change my bitter attitude born of 10 years of her refusal to work, regardless of the financial catastrope it was causing.

On January 17 she began working as a dental assistant. Based on the slight increase in income, we could finally afford to trade in her 2000 model Durango for a 2003 last Friday. Saturday AM I attended class, and return home where I spent the rest of the weekend. M-W I work, return home, cook dinner for the kids, drive them to Catechism class, and help them with homework, forgoing my usual Wednesday night of billiards with the guys.

Last night I return home from night school, ask how she's doing, and barely get a response. Asked if I'd done something wrong, and she replied that if I had, then she'd let me know. She explained that she was tired of working. Asked if there was anything I could do to help, she stated that I could give her Friday off. Reminded that she only worked until 2 PM on Friday, and that I couldn't "give her time off" since I didn't employ her, she said "Just leave me alone."

Well OK then, perhaps I will!?
All of you aspiring Dr. Phil Jr.'s, what do you make of this?

Stone · 02-04-2005, 09:00 AM

Well it looks like things are deffinatly headed in the right direction.. but I woulnd't go trading in the Durango at the moment for a newer one. At this point there is still no job security on her behalf although things are improving a month isn't very long, spend the cash on the extended waranty instead. :wink:

Working after 10 years is going to be an adjustment for anyone so I guess the only way tyo win this battle is by understanding and being compashionate about it. ( even if it is a little ridiciolus) tell her that you are so proud of her bla bla and offer to give her some breaks in the evening untill she adjusts maby even a nice back rub one in a while.

Fayebelle · 02-04-2005, 09:10 AM

Why dental assistant?

I did that once and I just really didn't like the job- perhaps it's not the area she should work in

What about a job w/more flexibility in hrs? Hotels, Restaurants, etc...

twinkle · 02-04-2005, 01:00 PM

Oh, Sam, you're so sweet to worry about such her

.

I think Heather is right, she's just not used to working anymore and feels as if she's carring the world on her shoulders. Sometimes frustration builds up in and comes off in different funny ways.

Encourage her, don't let her be grumpy, tell her you're very proud of her and... motivate her to keep going in!

I've always appreciated an attentive man, hope that wifey of yours does to :wink: .

Hugs,

Twinkle

Samson · 02-04-2005, 01:09 PM

Thanks Faybelle & Heather for responding.

Faybelle, I haven't the foggiest notion why anyone would aspire to be a dental assistant. For me, its job satisfaction rating ranks right up their with garbage collector.

Delilah seems to have been traumatized somehow after teaching 2nd graders 10 years ago. Again, this would seem to be a much more nobler profession, and it definitely more than twice what she's making, and would allow her to retire at 75% of her top income after 10.5 years. The dental thing offers no such benefits, except free whitening for a smile that I rarely (never) see.

Heather, the Durango deal's done, so she MUST KEEP some job to pay for it: Maybe the dental assistant job will become so unpleasent that she'll try to get a teaching job this May which will allow her to have the summers and all holidays off with the kids?

twinkle · 02-04-2005, 01:14 PM

Hey, my mom's a dentist, she'd be dead without her assistant. I admitt it's not among my favourite jobs in the world, but it is important!

Stone · 02-04-2005, 01:16 PM

I highly respect teachers, you guys are great people, but I could NEVER EVER do it. But it's better to be a teacher who loves there job than a teacher that hates it don't you think?

Maby she could be a substitute teacher, or try working fro a private school, or maby she could take on of those alpitude tests to see what the heck she is supposed to do.

Star · 02-04-2005, 01:25 PM

I think what's happening here is that Delilah is not used to working anymoe. She might of enjoyed being a stay at home mom for all those years. It might of been the most satisfying job of all for her. BTW, You know that being a stay at home mom is like holding 2 full time jobs right? :wink:

She's abviously lost interest in teaching and perhaps doesn't enjoy the pressure of being a dental assistant. That would be a very stressful job to have. Perhaps asking her what her heart desires where a career is concerned would be a good place to start. It's extremely hard to work in a field you can't stand. Maybe she's got something else that she might be interested in but afraid to maybe voice that or make it a reality.

She doesn't sound happy at all at what she's doing for a living. Pampering her a little and helping her out with the kids might get her to start opening up and talking about she dislikes with her job and maybe talk about what she would like to do instead.

I wish you both all the luck in the world and I really do hope that you two can overpass this hurdle.

Samson · 02-04-2005, 02:43 PM

Quote:

It might of been the most satisfying job of all for her. BTW, You know that being a stay at home mom is like holding 2 full time jobs right?

Well then how about we all just stay at home.

No, I'm sorry star, but I know that staying at home mom is NOT like holding two full time jobs. A. Two full time jobs help pay bills!

I've stayed at home during summers and holidays to see how rigorous the stay at home mom job can be: waking up to make breakfast and lunches for the kids, reading the paper and drinking coffee, breaking away to drive them to school, attending aerobics classes at the local gym, returning home in time to a 2 hour shower/hair/makeup fiesta while watching soaps, before making lunch, finishing the paper, and catching a nice nap, before picking kids up at school, returning home to Oprah while kids finish homework, and watching TV all evening with the exception of a 30 minute break to fix dinner, and another 30 minute break later to get herself and kids ready for bed.

Sorry, but this hardly compares to working ONE full time job, much less two 8O

Fayebelle · 02-04-2005, 02:46 PM

Like any career - some peeps are just bad at their job

I think a good stay home mom would make time to play w/their kids, grocery shop, clean, etc....

The kind you described would have to be foreman of a team - oversee maids, errand boys, nannys, etc....

YellowLioness · 02-04-2005, 03:02 PM

nobody WANTS to work. Sometimes you just have to. It's hard to hold down a job, plus have children to worry about. It's not easy for any parent, but sometimes things just have to be done.

It doesn't do anyone any good to whine about it and make life harder on their mate/children.

That's just my two cents. Samson, you're much more patient then I'd be in your shoes.

YellowLioness · 02-04-2005, 03:21 PM

well, let me get off my self righteous horse here--i do whine. BUT, I still go to work every day. ;-) Yes, it sucks, but I'm not going to quit just cause I don't want to do it.

If that was the case with everyone, no one would EVER go into work.

Sparklenfade · 02-04-2005, 03:42 PM

My input is pretty much worthless here b/c i dont work... My position is with Mike working with the horses going in at 8am finishing about 1pm and then leaving for the races at 2-3pm and not getting home till 10pm if i got a job we'd never see each other....

Supporting someone for a long period of time and struggling as your doing it puts alot of strain and resentment in the relationship... If she valued the relationship she would understand this and suck it up... thats just my opinion b/c i've been the one supporting the other... and i've been the one supported... I know if me not working put extra stress into the relationship I would get up and get a job but now it works for us the way it is... and once i find what i want to do i'll go out and do it but right now i'm lost with what i want to do for the rest of my life...

But staying together for the kids is wrong... It actually damages the kid more with two parents unhappy or even just that air of unhappiness... My parents stayed togther alot longer than they should have and we all knew it... My siblings and I actually started resenting my mother for what she was putting my father thru and lost respect for my father for letting her do it to him.... To this day I have a hard time talking and looking at my father... think about that one too as you try to repair a marriage for the kids or b/c its too complicated

twinkle · 02-04-2005, 04:08 PM

Ok, thread hijack here: why with your dad? Why not your mom?

Mom stayed because I told her to. She had finally had enough a few years ago. All I told her is that it's not a good idea and that she should chill. Immediately after that, it got bad again, but now that I'm out of the country, I talk to her, to my dad and they're well together. Better now that we're away

.

Duke · 02-04-2005, 07:43 PM

I think your wife has some issues and is blaming work for them. The fact that she doesn't seem to want to communicate is bull regardless of how tired she is. It's not the way to a healthy marriage IMO.

I know that there's a certain amount of work to every relationship but it sounds like both of you are going through changes that your either marginally comfortable doing or not happy with at all. How is that going to fix things after your both fed up with trying to please each other without pleasing yourselves? I think in time all it's going to do is make the situation even worse. Just an IMO.

Samson · 02-05-2005, 03:01 PM

Quote:

give her some breaks in the evening untill she adjusts maby even a nice back rub one in a while

- SH

Quote:

Encourage her, don't let her be grumpy

-Twinkle

OK, you're advise was taken: With the decision to make of going out to happy hour after work, or buying a couple of bottles of wine, cheese (this reminded me of Twinkle....could only find fungusless variety), and crackers and returning home to share them with Delilah, I chose the latter.

The results were OK, she was in a much better mood, and we had a nice friendly chat about her work day, weather...nothing heavy.

We'll see how long this lasts. Please don't get the impression that I'm supporting the Pygmaleon Effect with low expectations, but I've been through this routine MANY times before.