On the long run

[twinkle]

I know that there are no perfect people, but... I'm wondering about something.

It's one thing to go out with a guy you like (I mean he has lots of good traits you like and simply shut up and grin at his bad parts) and another thing to have a child with such a person.

Do I have unresonable expectations as to the future husband of my kids? I mean, in my head, he'd have to have all the best traits of character in the world, because:

a. I don't intend to raise the kid by myself
b. I don't want the kid to be picking his bad traits and me mothering them both.

The thing is, I don't want to do have to do it all alone.

Maybe I have a too good of an opinion of myself and I see myself as perfect? That's why I just can't imagine having a kid with any of the men that are around me for the moment - I don't want to have a child, I'm speaking hypothetically.


IT's so weird, my first bf had a lot of what I wanted in the father of my kids, but I just didn't love him anymore.

I'm so puzzled, I don't know what's more important, loving the father of your child, picking a good father for your children... waiting for a man who'd meet both criteria? Do you think that's possible?

I'm all mixed up right now.

[Luba]

My husband and I have been married for 38 years come September and I know from personal experience, and as you said, there are no perfect people. My husband and I were two of the most dysfunctional kids you ever met, we both came from dysfuntional families, maybe I should say problematic families.
But through thick and thin, I can only speak for myself, not for him, I always loved and love him more each day!
We weren't the greatest of parents, neither were our parents, but we did what we knew at the time as did they.
There is nothing wrong with expecting the best, but you have to be prepared to live with what you cannot change.
In my case, my husband deals with me through his sense of humour if we have a problem, and that totally works with me. But it took a lot of hard work together to get here!
A relationship takes a Lot of work, but treating a person with respect is what I think is the most important, and a relationship can grow together if you treat each other tenderly.
I don't know if any of this helped, it's just what I've learned!

[Vautrin]

Originally Posted by twinkle

I know that there are no perfect people, but...

you are forgetting me!

But seriously, it is hard to find a "perfect" match. Don't forget that kids inherit from both parents. You might have the 21st century popular super genius, and you might have a child with both of your both traits. There is no telling what will happen.

So, in my opinion it is best to look out for the parenting qualites of your prospective partners. Patience seems to be a must, just as involvement is

[twinkle]

Thank you for your precious input, Luba, it means a lot to me.

I have a question for Duke: did you ever worry that your child might inherit some of your partner's traits - before your daughter was born. Did this ever preocupy you? How did you deal with your not being inlove with her mom?

[Duke]

Pretty good questions twinkle, I'll do my best to answer them honestly as my emotions and thought process has changed dramatically from the time we first split to now.

As a parent, I've worried, and continue to worry, about the life my daughter will lead. I don't think this will ever go away and I think that's why God makes it that we die of old age, it's a mercy killing.

I knew my daughter would inherit some of her mothers traits as she did mine, but I was more worried that she would turn out like me instead of my ex. This still concerns me a bit from time to time because I tend to form habits in life, and there not always postitive habits. I haven't seen this trait in my daughter so all is good so far.

As for her mothers traits, she has developed some of them as well as new traits that are in direct response to both inherited traits of her and mine. To elaborate, it always stressed me out when my ex was moody and I'd pretty much try to stay out of her way. All this did I think was allow her to be moody all the time. My daughters different in this regard and I'm very envious. If you're acting like a tard around her or being bitchy, she has two courses of action in her arsonal:

1) she'll provoke the situation or create a new one just to upset you more because, lets face it, you deserve to suffer for taking it out on your loved ones constantly and repeatedly.

2) she'll ignore the situation regardless of how mad you get.

The best part is that neither of her reactions to the situation phase or build up on her. Most stuff just rolls off my daughters shoulders because she refuses to carry the weight and I love that about her!

As for the not being in love with her mom, that's a real tough one. I simply can't say whether or not I loved her mom. I loved the fact that she birthed my child, but does that mean I loved her? I was exhausted all the time, worked two jobs, came home trying to make her happy, etc. My ex was my central occupation in life for a while and I can't say with any accuracy whether I loved her or not. I know I did love her at one time, but that was before she was even pregnant. I also know that I stopped loving her but really can't pinpoint when that happened.

Does any of the above actually make any sense?

[Merika]

Three Life Points:

1) The negative traits your children inherit from YOU will bug you more than the ones they may inherit from someone else.

2) You'll love the kids anyway.

3) When you meet the right guy for you....it won't matter if he drinks his coffee up his nose....you'll think he's wonderful and want to spawn children who are just like him.

[twinkle]

Yes, I guess it does. I think you did love your mom's daughter or at least she had a special place in your heart. That makes all the difference in the world.

Your answer is so all together and after reading Merika's reply, it's as if I was confronting myself: it has to do with how I regard and the place I'm willing to let a man have in my life.

Deep down, I hate my father. I think because of him, I can't stand men, really. Of course, I show him respect and I act lovingly towards him, I even care for his appreciation. But I can't forgive him for the way he treated my mom when we were young. And how my mother hated him and kept putting me down for inheriting some of his traits of character.


the thing is, I realise it was his own life and that he made mistakes and that he regrets tha part of his life, but... we never ever had a heart to heart talk. I dare say we never talked about US, me and him, our relationship as father and daughter.We talk on a whole lot of other things, though, never about us.


And somehow, I'm still angry at him and angry at all men, because at times I see in all men arond him, the traits of character I cannot stand, his traits of character.


I am good at playing pretend, I can have a relationship, but a child... I want to be true to my child. A child is sharing, no matter how you put it.

That's why I asked Duke those questions, I thought he had a conflicted relationship with his daughter's mom...


So even if it is abot children and offsprings, this thread is also about anger and hurt and not letting go.

[Merika]

If it will help....when I was your age Twinks...I had little respect for my Dad. He was Vice President of a very large corporation (Farm Bureau Insurance....which is quite influential in the US) and everytime I would go to a bar I ran into guys who worked for him. I thought they were all a bunch of horny a$$es. To make it worse, they told me stories about my Dad....which I knew were true because he ALWAYS had a long legged blonde he was screwing around with. It bothered me because my mother loved him so very much.

I even slept with one of his married co-workers. He came to be all mad about it and I told him I guess I turned out JUST LIKE HIM. We had a few rough years after that one.....HAHA.

But as he grew older and I understood myself and him a little better.....I realized I was VERY much like him and I loved him more than any man on this earth. And you know what.....I still do....every single day. Not a week goes by that he doesn't send me sweet emails or calls me.

The point is..... the weaknesses you may see in your Dad today...may very well be....the part of him you will most understand tomorrow. Give it time.

[twinkle]

Many many times, I thought it wasn't him, it was me. I was oversensitive and very mature for my age as a little girl. You see, I don't despise him for what he does now, but for what he did then, when I was so young and defenseles. I've seem my mom letting him get near her and hitting her when he could.

He only phisically hit her once - really bad. But fights that were about to get physical they've had a lot. He was a real jerk to her. Still is, but got milder with age. That and the fact that my mother has the money give her the main advantage.

My dad is a mysoginist. He isn't one in order to spite women, he simply thinks poorly of women. He never ever believed in me. Never. And I had tried my best to amaze them - both my parents. The thing is I feel his type of attitude immediately on the other men. Maybe it's a mild joke, or just a word out of context.

this year I've started having reoccuring nightmares about when I was a little girl and my parents were fighting. After all this time...



I can't bear the thought I could do this to my children when me, not even now did I manage to get over my childhood. It's true that one cannot live for her children either, but still.

[Luba]

Twinkle, on a positive note; because of what you went through and reading your threads and what a great and loving person you are, no way would you have any worry about yourself treating your children other than in a loving way!

I grew up in a fighting atmosphere, I honestly don't remember a day when things ran smooth, there had to be, I just don't remember anything but the drinking and the swearing and the fighting.

But, as dysfunctional as I was as I grew up, I love my boys and there never is a phone call that we don't end by saying "I love you, son" and they say "I love you, Mom" I phoned back one day because I thought I forgot to end the call like that, just to say "I love you, son".

Whatever my failings were, I hope my Sons can never say they weren't extremely loved by me! I tell them all the time how grateful I am that God picked me to be their Mother, there is no greater gift than that for me!!

When you finally have your child in your arms, your world becomes unbelievable!!!

[twinkle]

I think you're right, the moment you actually have your baby, you know that the dies are cast anyway.

I'm not there yet, maybe this whole thing is because I attach so much importance to the whole family concept.

I don't even know if I want or if I can have kids btw!

[twinkle]

BTW, Luba, thank you for the nice words about me.