Just me again...

[Paul]

I just had the weirdest most surreal conversation with my gf last night. Or should I say, ex-gf. She said she wanted to talk to me about something but she wouldn't say anything, she said it was probably just PMS that was making her feel confused. I coaxed it out of her while on the phone by getting her to write down her thoughts on MSN. Well the phone battery died and I ended up just talking to her for an hour online, our last conversation.

Basically she wanted to know if you can be in love with someone and have a crush on someone else. She said she was my girlfried and loves me but that she's confused. This crush topic has come up before because she'll tell her friends that she has a crush on someone. I asked her if she thinks that it's possible, she said yes but that her friends don't think that she's actually in love then. I asked her if she was in love with me, she said yes but if it's not love then it's pretty damn close. I said I felt it went against what love is defined as. I asked her about the other guy, she played it off but I asked her not to and she stopped, she talked seriously about it. His name is Liam, she likes him and would date him but she told him that she's in love. I asked her if the relationship has progressed physically, she laughed and said no, which from knowing her I take to be a lie.

Basically I stayed level headed through all of this and told her to ask herself some logical questions, not to be ruled by emotion. We went over several points including her moving up here in June, which was the plan. She basically said that she wants to move here more then anything and that she loves me but that the relationship seems to serious, that she wants me make her not feel like it's so serious. I explained to her that it was only as serious as she made it, that I never said forever and didn't expect her to. She had mentioned previously that she was looking in every guy she met (that was comforting) for something to fill a void in her and that she wanted to come stay with me in order to test that. She said that she wanted to know if staying with me would take away that void and that she thought it would make her stronger. I told her I didn't want to be the one she tested on, that if she feels that she has a void, even though she says she loves and is in love with me, and she is still looking then I obviously can't fill it. I told her I thought she was looking for me to make an excuse for her actions so that she didn't have to feel bad for it. She agreed with everything I said pretty much and said I was right and wished I wasn't. I told her that Dan (the guy she cheated on me with) and Liam and whoever else were lucky guys. I asked her if she thought it was weird that I loved her but didn't trust her at all, she said yes it's weird but that she understands why. In the end she asked by way of emoticon if we were still together, I told her that it had been up to her all along and the she probably had already made up her mind about all of that. She told me she was sad and then proceeded to say, "I'm so sorry". She said "I love you" and I told her I hoped the guys were worth it.

I explained to her and she knows that when I end the relationship, that's it, I don't communicate with the person anymore at all. I told her that what made me sad was that I would never talk to her again. The hardest part about this whole thing is that I truely do love her, despite her faults and mistakes, I love her with all my heart. I've never felt like this about anyone so needless to say it stings a little.

I don't know what to say, I mean, I know you get over it eventually and move on but I think I'm going to still be in love with her for a long time to come. A friend and I were talking last night and he said that when his ex-gf cheated on him and broke his heart, he became very distrusting and it has affected his new relationship, I'm concerned that it's going to be the same for me. But oh well, no need worrying about it right now, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

[Duke]

There's no reason to worry about it affecting other relationships. Anyone who does that is just sabotaging and ultimately destroying what could be due to closed-mindedness.

I'm sorry to admit, but I'm really glad that it's over Paul. I really wanted to tell you that before but you were back together before I really had the chance to say "good riddance" to her. Sorry bud, but I honestly think of her as a cave troll and hope she gets run over by a bus, the bus then backs over her again to see if she's ok, then drives away, bouncing over her flattened body again because the guys already under suspicion for a dui and can't afford to be caught. Then, a cement roller, blinded by the girth of the bus, rolls over her, turning her into pavement and as it passes, a seagull flies overhead and lets one go that happens to land in her mouth.

[Star]

What your friend said is right. You do distrust for awhile. the trick is to try and not punish the next person you have a relationship with. Hopefully by then, you'll have come to terms with it and accept it as it is and it won't be a problem. Dating too soon can cause a problem with that.

Your story reminded me of when I broke it off with my first love. I broke his heart and he really didn't deserve it at all. I was confused also and part of me wanted to go out there and play the field but I did love him with all my heart all at the same time. But, knowing that playing the field and staying with him wouldn't be fair to him, I broke it off. the day before his birthday to boot.

He will always hold a peace of my heart just as I know I hold a peace of his heart. That will never go away. But, that doesn't mean that you can't fully love another Paul.

I think what happened here was the timing. The timing wasn't right for the two of you just as it wasn't right for my first love and I. Life sux sometimes.

You will find another love but don't jump into anything too quickly. take this time to heal and forgive.

[Paul]

I'm an (explicitive) mess right now, she just emailed me how much she "really really loves me" and that this is for the best, yada yada. Drive another knife in why don't ya? It would be easier if she just said she hated my guts, that I could understand... I didn't get upset until now, I don't have time for this and my days already shot. I hate loving her.

[Star]

well, I can understand why you're upset now. at least when I broke it off with my first love, i didn't keep calling him (I waited a few months). She's having a hard time letting go. she might be afraid that she's making the wrong choices.

awe Paul.

[Paul]

I've never felt so destroyed before, I haven't cried like this since I was 12 yrs old.

The worst part is I know I didn't do anything wrong, it'd be easier if I had. It's just so hurtful because she told me yesterday that what made me the best boyfriend is I always strived to do better, towards her, for her. I gave 110% and got the one thing I was scared of the most.

I mean I can sit back and logically pick this apart but it doesn't add up because there are to many emotions clouding it. I think the thing that really hurts me the most is that I know she won't find anyone for at least awhile that will treat her as good as I did, she's going to be used and she accepts that, that's REALLY hard because I do care how she does.

I just hope I can take some good lessons out of this for sure. It just makes me realize how hard but important it is to stay true to yourself and your beliefs, if you don't have self-respect then you have nothing. I lost a bit of that today.

[Star]

You probably will always care how she's doing. This has nothing to do with something that you did. it's about her and how she's feeling inside. sounds like she's got some wild oats to sew. she will probably get hurt and end up regretting breaking up with you in the future.

That's what happened to me. By the time I realized that i made the wrong choice, he was married (I had heard through mutual friends) so I didn't pursue my heart at that time. I didn't want to confuse him and be the reason for trouble in his marriage. He had 2 kids with the girl, and is now divorced. But, the timing was never right for us.

I wish there was something I could say to take your pain away Paul. I know how devestating this all is for you and for her too. Time heals all wounds and it will heal yours.

My heart breaks for you. Big hugs!!!!

[darkangelism]

im sorry to hear that.

[Merika]

Paul,
There are two types of people involved in love. There are the people who want love for themselves and the people who love the other person more than themselves.

The first kind is never really happy because no one can ever give them enough. They flit from relationship to relationship, don't know who to hang onto or who to let go. They spend their whole life wanting their cake and eating it to. They make everyone in their path miserable because they can't commit beyond their own needs and feelings. They stay confused.

The second kind loves someone more than they love themselves. They DO seem to get hurt more often, but they are rarely confused about their feelings. When this type of person meets someone just like them, instead of the out of the first group, they find the true magic in love....which is the joy of giving to someone else.

You are a second group kinda guy Paul. Keep looking until you meet someone like you....who is beyond crushes and silly emotional stuff. Find someone who treats love seriously.....not as an emotional hobby.

[Paul]

Thanks guys. I'm a wreck lol hopefully it'll all seem better tomorrow.

[darkangelism]

dont worry, it will get better.

[Duke]

How about if I send her a nasty virus that takes her offline for a while?

BTW, the whole "I still love you thing" is her trying to cover up the fact that she's a low-life hussy. I just wish she'd stfu and understand that she's in it for herself. I've been there myself and hate what I did to some of the gals I've hurt.

I hate seeing friends in anguish.

Sorry Paul but I hate her guts.

[darkangelism]

at least you are honest about it.

[Duke]

I don't believe in lying, especially to friends.

[Paul]

I totally see your point Duke, I know what she's like and unfortunately emotion sometimes clouds my better judgement. If this is then I've accepted that, there are plenty of good people out there that I'd rather spend my time with because they don't act like this. I do want to be her friend and have asked her as much but if that's not possible then I'm fine with it, I'm ready to move on now to bigger and better things... well, better anyway.

Also please understand that I do understand where she is at, I don't blame her although she is being narrow minded. She wrote me and told me that she'd rather be with me and all the uncertainties that come with a relationship then be where she is now, but also that it's to late. She's knows what she's done and it's her choice, she'll have to live with it, I would have been a sucker and gone to the end with her but it's just better this way. I can't hater her because she needs help and direction like everyone else her, she's a member and I hope eventually she comes to seek answers to the questions she has.