I have the fear of committment....but I don't fear being alone. That doesn't mean that I'll stay single because I very well may be with someone down the line. However, I don't worry about it either way at all.
I think when you are younger....it worries you more because you can fear than your commitment problems will keep you from having a conventional family life. When the truth is....if you had one....you may very well be miserable.
Maybe that changes if you meet the right person though.
Like any phobia, you need to islolate the specific fears (what do you think will happen if you are committed?) and then expose yourself to them in a controlled manner over time. Our fears are almost always worse than the reality, the phobia loses it's grip and becomes more manageable.
Often it's risk avoidance, a sensible response if you've been burnt in the past but ultimately counterproductive. You may not get abandoned but you end up alone.
It really helps if, like Merika, you can find a way to be happy alone. That lessens the risks you take in relationships, you can love well because you know you can survive it's loss.
My problem is I hate being told what to do constantly. I'm an adult and can do what I want when I want to do it. Almost every relationship I've been in has turned into wifey becoming mommy because I admit to being a bit immature acting sometimes, just like most every other man I know.
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Yeah....I have a MAJOR problem with someone telling me what to do or asking me where I've been or are going. This is a major deal for me.....and pisses me off to no end.
My idea of compromise would be in the area of....you have your time, I have my time and we have set time together....you have your space, I have my space and we have shared space together.....you have your car. I have my car and sometimes we ride in one of them together.....etc.
And as I keep going...I realize I could be in a serious relationship only if we didn't live together.
My idea of compromise would be in the area of....you have your time, I have my time and we have set time together....you have your space, I have my space and we have shared space together.....you have your car. I have my car and sometimes we ride in one of them together.....etc.
And as I keep going...I realize I could be in a serious relationship only if we didn't live together.
lol, I'm not quite that black and white but it is a great list. I don't mind sharing stuff but I wanna use my stuff my way when it's my turn and I wanna decide when it's my turn.
This entire post isn't making much sense is it?
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Ofcourse it makes sense! The point is some people want to share the whole path of their life......and some people only want to share a portion of their path. If you are one of the latter.....all you can do is be honest and hope you hook up with a person who understands.
If you don't.....BOTH of you will be miserable. You because you feel you are drowning....and the other person because they feel you are holding out on emotional commitment.
You almost can't win.....unless you find just the right person.
I think merging into someone else's life is either easier when you are in your early 20's......or you just gotta find a really pliable person. LOL!
You almost can't win.....unless you find just the right person.
I think merging into someone else's life is either easier when you are in your early 20's......or you just gotta find a really pliable person. LOL!
I totally agree, it's much easier when you're younger. Of course things can change as you get older but as d00k said, if you have a gal pal that understands, at least it's a solid start!
I don't know most of you well enough to comment on you, but I can share what I know of others who fear committment.
Often it is a fear of letting someone get too close. There's no incentive for change as strong as maintaining a relationship with one you love. As long as people have the necessary emotional maturity, they adapt to each others needs (including the need for a degree of independence).
The kinds of things people do to keep the distance they need are:
giving out mixed signals, you are available yet unavailable.
revealing only part of your personality
projecting a front to the world that's quite different to what you are like underneath
going for people who are attached
looking for the perfect mate and rejecting anyone who isn't up to scratch one they start to get close.
That's quite different from being comfortable in your life and set in your ways, as tends to happen when you get older. The latter is not fear of committment, it's enjoying your life on your own too much to make many compromises.
I don't know most of you well enough to comment on you, but I can share what I know of others who fear committment.
Often it is a fear of letting someone get too close. There's no incentive for change as strong as maintaining a relationship with one you love. As long as people have the necessary emotional maturity, they adapt to each others needs (including the need for a degree of independence).
The kinds of things people do to keep the distance they need are:
giving out mixed signals, you are available yet unavailable.
revealing only part of your personality
projecting a front to the world that's quite different to what you are like underneath
going for people who are attached
you likely have big hairy feet and ugly toe nails
looking for the perfect mate and rejecting anyone who isn't up to scratch one they start to get close.
That's quite different from being comfortable in your life and set in your ways, as tends to happen when you get older. The latter is not fear of committment, it's enjoying your life on your own too much to make many compromises.
Merika, does the feet part apply to you as well?
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