Don't know what to believe - Page 2

sweetbilly · 10-05-2006, 10:40 PM

Yes i see the problem. Try not to be too hard on the man, men act differently than women sometimes and we definatelly see things differentlly as well. Let him know you are the only person in the world for him, that you understand him and love him better than anyone else ever could. Some times men need to be reminded of this, especially more than women do. We are pretty insecure at times. If you understand what i mean? Usually there is a reason why a man will cheat on his wife. Often it has something t do with the man being unhappy for what ever reason in the relationship. If you are too hard on him he might feel trapped instead of in love and this might actually drive him away instead of pulling him closer to you. Just remind him why you are his one and only all over again. He did marry you i know he must love you, if he still does i'm sure he will respond. Trust me if he still loves you it will work, just make him see you like he used to, like when you were young and in love for the first time. Also make sure he understands how this is making you feel, just don't make him feel bad while doing it. Don't criticise, just let him know your feelings. It's very important to keep that passion we had at first alive otherwise we might get bored and do things we might not do if we we're thinking straight. I hope this helps? Keep praying, and do like i said, i'm sure he'll come around.

eveningstar · 10-06-2006, 02:36 AM

I understand what you're getting at. I also know a man will never admit that he's getting anything from a friendships like these , my husband has always insisted that he gets nothing from the friendships, he was only friendly and kind to make those widows feel better. The problem was that he never thought how they would take it up.

Men can also start wandering in spite of being happily married, which is what my husband has always asserted is the case. I don't know if I mentioned it earlier, but these friendships coincided to a large extent with the period in which my husband's business went through a rough patch and I became the main breadwinner for a while. Perhaps my husband's ego took such a knock that he needed the reassurance he got from those ladies that he was still a real man.

sweetbilly · 10-06-2006, 04:19 AM

Exactally, i knew something was the cause. The rough patch in his business is prolly what brought this on. Alot of men do that, when times get tough we men really rely on our ladies to help us through the rough days. If there's no one there to help us emotionally we have a hard time justifying the hard work we go through and thus we really start to feel unappreciated even in our own home. The sad thing is we don't ever talk about the rough days to our ladies, you might have to kind of feel it out sometimes. So the first woman that comes along who appears to appreciate our effort becomes our center of attention ..even if it isn't our wife. I can't begin to tell you how important it is to be that crutch is for us, in many cases you are all we have when the world seeks to drag us through the mud. You know, we men are very sensitive and insecure, we need emotional support prolly far more than women do. That's why men don't like to talk about their day at work etc.. it brings up all the things that happen through the day that bring us down and humiliate us. These are the things we come home in hopes of forgetting. You really have to be his means of support. I hope this has helped you to understand your husbands demeanor a little better?

eveningstar · 10-06-2006, 06:54 AM

I'm certainly learning a lot about the male psyche from what you write I thought we were the sensitive sex, but I suspect women are often more self-reliant than men. You've given me quite a lot of food for thought, but you know what makes it tough to encourage your own husband is when you have a demanding career of your own. I suppose we all need a lot of support nowadays because the world has become very competitive which can be quite demoralising.

It's quite a learning curve for me when you say men tend to attach themselves to the first woman who comes along and appreciates them. The irony is that I tried to be understanding and supportive at that time, but I think my husband didn't feel comforted by me because I was probably making him bad by being the main breadwinner.

His business has since picked up and I think he feels better about that aspect, but the problem still remains that he became attached to those ladies in that time, and it's not easy to let go of such a supportive relationship. I think that has complicated this issue somewhat.

Luba · 10-06-2006, 08:55 AM

eveningstar, do you have your own friends at Church who know what you are going through? Do you have children?

eveningstar · 10-06-2006, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luba

eveningstar, do you have your own friends at Church who know what you are going through? Do you have children?

Yes, my friends who were in the cell group with me know what's going on, but one doesn't want to keep harping on the same topic. I do however, confide in a female friend of mine with whom I've been friends for about as long as I'm married. This woman knows my husband as we're family friends too. Her husband and mine used to work together. She hinted long ago that my husband dominates me and likes to get his own way. She has really been very supportive and she's the one who suggested that we should leave the cell group as she knows my husband likes to get his own way and that he would never stop the friendships with those ladies of his own accord.

I have three children, aged 39, 37 and 31. The eldest one is a boy and the next two are girls. My eldest daughter stays in London and I last saw her in March of this year. The two girls are married to great guys and seem to be very happy , and I have two beautiful granddaughters as well. I've confided in my youngest daughter: and my eldest daughter also knows there's something going on, but they prefer not to get involved, as they're very close to their father, so I don't blame them.

I also have a good relationships with all three my children and they all say they had a great childhood which makes me very happy because they're very important to me and my husband. 8)

eveningstar · 10-06-2006, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luba

eveningstar, do you have your own friends at Church who know what you are going through? Do you have children?

Yes, my friends who were in the cell group with me know what's going on, but one doesn't want to keep harping on the same topic. I do however, confide in a female friend of mine with whom I've been friends for about as long as I'm married. This woman knows my husband as we're family friends too. Her husband and mine used to work together. She hinted long ago that my husband dominates me and likes to get his own way. She has really been very supportive and she's the one who suggested that we should leave the cell group as she knows my husband likes to get his own way and that he would never stop the friendships with those ladies of his own accord.

I have three children, aged 39, 37 and 31. The eldest one is a boy and the next two are girls. My eldest daughter stays in London and I last saw her in March of this year. The two girls are married to great guys and seem to be very happy , and I have two beautiful granddaughters as well. I've confided in my youngest daughter: and my eldest daughter also knows there's something going on, but they prefer not to get involved, as they're very close to their father, so I don't blame them.

I also have a good relationships with all three my children and they all say they had a great childhood which makes me very happy because they're very important to me and my husband. 8)

eveningstar · 10-06-2006, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luba

eveningstar, do you have your own friends at Church who know what you are going through? Do you have children?

Yes, my friends who were in the cell group with me know what's going on, but one doesn't want to keep harping on the same topic. I do however, confide in a female friend of mine with whom I've been friends for about as long as I'm married. This woman knows my husband as we're family friends too. Her husband and mine used to work together. She hinted long ago that my husband dominates me and likes to get his own way. She has really been very supportive and she's the one who suggested that we should leave the cell group as she knows my husband likes to get his own way and that he would never stop the friendships with those ladies of his own accord.

I have three children, aged 39, 37 and 31. The eldest one is a boy and the next two are girls. My eldest daughter stays in London and I last saw her in March of this year. The two girls are married to great guys and seem to be very happy , and I have two beautiful granddaughters as well. I've confided in my youngest daughter: and my eldest daughter also knows there's something going on, but they prefer not to get involved, as they're very close to their father, so I don't blame them.

I also have a good relationships with all three my children and they all say they had a great childhood which makes me very happy because they're very important to me and my husband. 8)

Luba · 10-06-2006, 09:46 AM

We have a lot in common, eveningstar; I have two beautiful granddaughters as well, mine are aged 11 and 3. I have two sons of who one is Duke, the webmaster of this network. I love both my Sons from the bottom of my heart, but alas, their childhood wasn't as great as your children had! I wish I had given them a great childhood; instead, I chose to be subservient because of my own childhood. Well, that's gone! Subservient am I no more!!!

I really wish I had a do-over...that can't happen, so I'm a good Mom, now...I think.

When my husband decides to do something and it's not what I want, I just do something else...works for me...and him...because even though I love and cherish him more with each passing day, I also know I have to cherish and look after myself...I really realize that as I mature....

eveningstar · 10-06-2006, 10:39 AM

I will never say I was a perfect mother - I certainly made many mistakes, but I really enjoyed being with them and helping them to develop all their interests and talents. My children were easy to rear because all three of them are on the quiet side. They were never party animals or wild when they were at school, but after school, they did spread their wings and find out more about life. Today, they've all three developed into mature and responsible adults who care about their environment and for the poor and needy. All three are kind, decent human beings, just as their spouses are.

One of the reasons why they were so steady is because my husbnad and I had a very stable and oving relationship then. Thank goodness theproblems we've experienced in the recent past weren't part of our lives then, as I'm sure it would have impacted as negatively on them as my parents' divorce did on me. That's one of the main reasons why I want my marriage to become stable again, as I think divorce is a very difficult for all concerned, not that there aren't marriages that cannot be repaired- I know that only too well!

Luba · 10-06-2006, 08:13 PM

I think it's wonderful that you are doing EVERYTHING to keep your marriage together, to work things out...too many people give up too quickly thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence...when it isn't...and more problems happen...especially if there are children involved...

eveningstar · 10-07-2006, 07:37 AM

[color=violet]I think that's one advantage of coming from a broken home; you know the trauma it brings about and you wouldn't want your children to go through that as well

My husband's parents appeared to have a happy marriage, on the other hand, so he doesn't know first-hand what it's like to grow up without a father, or to see how your mother suffered because of the divorce.

However, I can very well see that in the case of continued infidelity and if one's partner shows no intention of changing and real proof that he has actually changed, that that could be a very real option.[/color]

Luba · 10-07-2006, 07:52 AM

I am a firm believer in trying everything to get a marriage to work, especially with communication....but continued infidelity; NO! That's a deal-breaker!

eveningstar · 10-30-2006, 03:20 AM

Thanks for your reply once again. But what do you do if your husband insists that what he was doing wasn't infidelity? In the meantime my husband has admitted that he enjoyed the admiration he got from those ladies, but still he doesn't think that it's unfair to your wife to seek admiration elsewhere. Of course he denied that he had ever said such a thing the following day- but I know that can be the only explanation for his strange behaviour!