Discomfort with the opposite sex

[darkangelism]

Originally Posted by Luba

You have such a great sense of humour, DA! Just approach a girl and make her laugh, say something funny, it's not about being serious, with me, anyway! I'm a girl (okay, that's pushing it a bit) so I know what I'm talking about! Anyone that makes me laugh right off, I want them to stay around, wanting more. So many people are just TOO serious IMHO!

im a lot more talkative online...but yeah my problem is when i go talk to a girl my words come out blblblblghghg

[TKDLady]

Originally Posted by darkangelism

im a lot more talkative online...but yeah my problem is when i go talk to a girl my words come out blblblblghghg

You worry about it too much. Just relax and think of her as a co-worker or someone you just want to talk to. Don't think of her as a prospective date or girlfriend. You will go farther, I am sure.

[darkangelism]

well my friend from high school is visiting this week, so im gonna have to go out and talk to girls

[TKDLady]

Don't make it into such a chore. Go out with your friend and enjoy yourself.

[Luba]

Originally Posted by darkangelism

im a lot more talkative online...but yeah my problem is when i go talk to a girl my words come out blblblblghghg

DA, you have a GREAT sense of humour! Your last sentence got me into terrific laughter! I see a great future for you with girls...just pretend you're online and make them laugh like you with your terrific post! I don't think there is a person on earth that won't be attracted to someone that isn't serious all the time but makes them laugh..

[Meanon]

DA, you make great conversation IRL, my sister thought so too. I do have a suggestion that may help, not sure if you are after that kind of advice - do you want me to post it or I can PM or email if you prefer?

[darkangelism]

you can post it, maybe somebody in the future will join here and need the same advice.

[Duke]

You just need to try something new da. I fear you fall into the same patterns everytime your around women and it scares anyone away who may be even remotely interested.

[Meanon]

I agree, trying new things, worrying less, enjoying yourself, using humour - all will help.

Sometimes you know what to do but something gets in the way of you doing it and by taking a really close look at what's going on you can begin to make small changes that help.

One of the things that happens when people are worried in social situations is that they think too much about how they come across, they literally imagine what others are seeing or thinking when they look at them. Then they either look for the evidence to confirm what they are thinking or avoid looking for the evidence. This is usually expressed through unusual eye contact - either eyeballing people or avoiding eye contact, sometimes a combination of the two. All this gets in the way of the normal flow of conversation and confirms the person's view that they have a problem. We all do it to some extent when we are nervous, it's just a question of degree. People who are more shy or anxious do it more.

In your case, you come over just fine - interesting, bright, caring, funny - a great guy. There's something I noticed which was not a big deal, it didn't affect how we got on at all. I only mention it as when you've posted about your difficulties talking to girls, I wondered if you did more of it when you were more nervous. When you are not talking, you sometimes seem a little distracted and anxious. You don't maintain eye contact or if you do, you quickly break it. My guess is that you distract yourself from worrying about how you are coming over when you speak, but are aware of it when you don't.

There's a number of ways of overcoming this. You can block it by doing exercises to practice bringing your attention under conscious control then you will be better able to stop it turning inwards on negative thoughts or mind-reading other's reactions and focus instead on what the other person is saying. You can also spend some time getting to the bottom of what the worry is about and testing it out. There's a good book which may be available in the US (UK link http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-S.../dp/1854877038). It's a self help guide.

What do you think? Am I barking up the wrong tree? It won't be the first time . It is a very common problem but the facts are you have good friends and do challenging stuff (coming here, getting across the country on your own, moving cities, getting work and promotion) - as I say you come across fine or else you couldn't do all that. It's just the worry that gets in the way of you being like that with girls socially. Worry is a habit, one that can be controlled. Is Duke referring to drinking? that's one method of gaining confidence, but as you know it can bring problems of it's own.

[megan]

relationships for me look a long distance away

[Luba]

Originally Posted by megan

relationships for me look a long distance away

You WILL be happy again, Megan, you'll see! I believe happiness is accessible to anyone, especially those who have been through difficult times and once that's over, you will have the happiness you deserve! I firmly believe that!

[darkangelism]

it might be true, i dunno, i never really noticed that i do that, when i was with you, i acted like i normally do, not like when i meet girls, where i am more shy...i dunno, it would be easier to see if i saw you more then once and there was a better chance for you to make an opinion...anyway you are probably right...tonight mym friend from high school is vistiting and we went to the bar and some people i know were there and i told him lets go socialize and he said no and i walked off on him until he joined me...but i was social i talked to a bunch of people, though i wouldnt have if he wasnt here...i would have waited for them to talk to me.
i can handle social situations that dont involve girls, but i feel different in those.

[Luba]

DA, maybe if you find that you talk better to guys than girls, pretend the girl is a guy but just be gentle! Pretend you are talking to Joe instead of a Josie, throw some laughter and fun into the conversation, and voila, things WILL work out! I do so much visualization, and it does work! JMHO!