Commitment

twinkle · 06-26-2005, 03:28 PM

What's commitment to you? How do you define commitment? Are there limits to commitment?

I'm asking this because of a new collegue of mine. She's a real sweety and she's been with her bf for quite some time (years, I presume). She says that they're doing fine together but that he does not want to move in with her.

Is he commited to her? To the relationship with her or not? Is he taking her seriously?

I told her that given my experience, it's the best thing that could have happened to her - Moving in is too much of a fuss, it creates a very vicious routine very difficult to break, if the relationship turns sour.

However, she seems kinda hurt an takes his refusal as a rejection... I haven't been there, really, so I can't tell. What do you think?

What's your definition of commitment?

Luba · 06-26-2005, 04:04 PM

To me, commitment is when you are there for each other through the good and bad times, that no matter what happens the other person will still be there.
If I was in the same situation as her with regards to how I am in life right now, I would have an honest talk with him, tell him I was ready for a commitment, if he wasn't, I wouldn't wait around...sometimes these guys are never ready if they have all the benefits if you know what I mean...especially if they've been together for years...
But that's just my opinion....

Star · 06-26-2005, 04:11 PM

It's clear that he isn't ready to commit to the next level of the relationship yet (moving in). It's better if they don't move in right now if he isn't ready or it would be disasterous. Moving in together is very serious and shouldn't be decided lightly.

There are different levels of commitment. There are more commitments as the relationship grows and things go to newer levels.

You can't really define commitment that easy because of the levels of a relationship. One might be ready to take it to the next level but the other isn't so this is where patience is important. I think your friend needs to be a little more patient for a little while longer until he is ready to commit to a live-in relationship or move on. That decision can only be left up to her.

twinkle · 06-26-2005, 05:07 PM

I've barely met her, so I know practically nothing about her relationship. As a woman, being rejected like that can't feel nice, that much I know.

But if they're on different levels emotionally and if she has needs that he cannot satisfy she's doing herself a diservice by staying. Of course, I cannot just go and tell her that - as I've said, we don't know eachother that well.

I was simply thinking if there is such a thing as a partial commitment or something... I wouldn't want to be in her shoes, that's for sure

.

Luba · 06-26-2005, 07:23 PM

Partial commitment wouldn't do for me, I'd never be sure what was going on!
I'd need "all or nothing"! If it was me, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes, either. :? , that's how I'd feel!

Star · 06-26-2005, 08:17 PM

I would probably call it quits if it were me. In past relationships, if i was ready for a deeper commitment and the guy wasn't, i'd say goodbye and stop wasting my time and move on. It doesn't sound like she's got much of a future with this guy unless she's got maybe 10 years to waste.

I wouldn't wait around for him to be ready if I was.

Merika · 06-27-2005, 10:27 AM

Commitment isn't my high point. I approach relationships with so much hesitancy....it's like I'm on the outside looking in. I never feel like I'm really there.

twinkle · 06-27-2005, 02:59 PM

Based on her description yesterday, the guy is almost a commitment phobe! Yesterday she was low, I mean really low!

The funny thing is that I don't have an extraordinary gift with women, but this girl simply opened up to me - I guess it's much easier to talk to a stranger that to someone you know.

Guess what?!? He said "yes!" 8O. I coudn't believe it. She couldn't believe it either, LOL. I think she was so convinced about his turning her down that right now she's scared sh!tless. It was so funny to see her, you could tell she was agitated... I bet that she'll either change her mind or stall

!

Women, we're such devils! Always wanting what we cannot have!

Star · 06-27-2005, 03:05 PM

so i guess she was assuming that he was going to say no and not commit to a live-in relationship then?

I don't understand people who just assume things. My husband is that way. He just assumes about everything and i'm forever telling him to stop that and either wait and see what happens or talk to the person. Maybe it's their way of letting themselves down just in case? I don't get it.

it's great that she got what she was hoping for though. I wish her the best.

Merika · 06-28-2005, 12:05 PM

Even someone who is commitment phobic....will still commit when Love is right. If someone is giving someone the half hearted thing...then they are only half heartedly interested until something better comes along.

twinkle · 06-28-2005, 01:54 PM

You're right. Even if she still doesn't know what she wants, she said that it meant a lot to her to see him willing to do that for her.

Regardles of whether they'll move in or not, he passed this test...

and I'm more confused about ultimatums than ever

!

Merika · 06-28-2005, 06:22 PM

If you have to give someone an ultimatum...it's like a screwy a$$ed chess game....and real love shouldn't and really ISN'T about that at all. A person may win a battle this way...but they will never win the total war. It becomes a fool's game. Just my stupid opinion.

Star · 06-28-2005, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merika

If you have to give someone an ultimatum...it's like a screwy a$$ed chess game....and real love shouldn't and really ISN'T about that at all. A person may win a battle this way...but they will never win the total war. It becomes a fool's game. Just my stupid opinion.

That's soooo true. If ever you have to give an ultamatum, you know that you're with the wrong person.