Cheating

[Paul]

Well here's a subject that always gets the blood pumping! I guess my question to you guys (hope it wasn't asked before!) is whether or not you think that cheating by one party or the other, is a good reason to end the relationship?

I had a recent experience (yesterday) where I found out my gf cheated on me in the fall with a guy, twice, who she had sex with. This happened early into our relationship, at a party which I was unable to attend because our relationship has been mostly long distance. She denied it (according to her, so as not to hurt me because she loves me now and has changed) then said it was only once that it happened, that I view sex differently and she hasn't done it since. How I found out was by something she said about hooking up with this guy a couple times, the last being at the party. What sucks is we talked that day about her going to the party, the dress she was wearing, etc. She said something that struck me funny and I checked her email (because we trust eachother) and the first 2 emails were from the guy.

The thing is, I love her very much and believe her when she says she's changed, as hard as it may seem. However I did break up with her as I have issues with trusting her. I've already forgiven her, it actually hurt me way more that she lied to me then the cheating itself. I've decided to be friends and talk through this and try to work it out.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you ever been in this situation? What would you do?

[Star]

I am one that's very big on faithfulness. To me trust and faithful comes hand in hand. If I found out that my husband cheated on me, I probably would divorce him. I truly believe that once a cheater, always a cheater.

That would be the only thing that would end my marriage. Everything else I could forgive and move on. But that's me. To me, loyalty, faithfulness, trust is very important in my relationship and if any of those are broken, then how can i trust him again?

YOu have to decide whether you can forget about it and trust her again. Are you going to wonder everytime she looks at another man, or talks to another man or works with another man? The doubts have to be gone for you to be able to fully trust her again. can you do that? Only you can answer that question.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know how devestating cheating can be. I think you being just friends with her and trying to work on it is a very good idea. Take your time and eventually you'll know what to do.

[Stone]

Do you think she is sorry she cheated or sorry that she got caught?

[Duke]

Check your PM's Paul.

Hey I'm sorry it happened and I really don't think I can offer up any comfort from an insightful post. I've personally never dated a virgin so I can't say, but I wonder if the fact that you wanted to abstain may have been a factor. Don't get me wrong, but once you've had sex, and enjoyed it, it's likely to be very difficult to be in a relationship without that key element.

Just a thought. I still wouldn't completely trust her though.

[Paul]

You're so right Star, I feel very much the same way and if I didn't truely love her then this wouldn't even have been an issue, I would never speak to her again. Her and I discussed awhile back what we each felt it would take to end the relationship, my immediate answer was "cheating", absolutely. It did end it, for how long only time will tell, but at the time I said it I hadn't realized just how much I was going to love this person. I think it's an understatement to say that we're a good fit for each other, this just makes everything very confusing.

What hurts even more is that she has already had sex with a few people and I've abstained so obviously our views on the subject are both biased. But I'm not a jealous man, we talk openly about past relationships, experiences, fantasies, everything, if she finds someone attractive it doesn't bother me, we're human and I get it. You can find someone attractive but as long as you're not acting on it then it doesn't bother me.

But the fact is I definetly would not be half as hurt about this whole matter if she had told me what happened when it did, I probably wouldn't be talking to her anymore but I wouldn't be as hurt. The fact that it happened right after we spent 2 weeks together in Niagara Falls, camping, visiting Toronto, etc. sucks but the only thing that really pisses me off is the lies. I despise liars.

Originally Posted by Stoneheather

Do you think she is sorry she cheated or sorry that she got caught?

Honestly, knowing her now I would say that she is sorry she cheated. I know that when we started going out that we didn't really know each other that well and the way we feel about each other now is undeniable. I'm not naive, I was aware of the risks going into this considering the differences and similarities between her past and mine, regarding religious upbringing, etc. but I made the choice to go ahead with it. She messed up, the lies are inexcusable but not unforgivable, she was upset by her mistakes and upon realizing it tried to move on, but unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you view it, the truth always comes out. She's told me that after it happened and we got more serious she realized how much she wanted to change, to not ever do it again and began to appreciate what she had.

I was talking to her today, she told me that she didn't want to lie about anything anymore so I asked her to be completely honest and tell me if there was anyone else. She told me that she also made out with another guy but that was it. I have my doubts but she did tell me that in the four months we were seeing each other before we were "going out" that she made out with 4 guys. That hurt, but it's not like she belongs to me and I wouldn't dream of trying to control her so I'm understanding of what happened.

Anyway, what I'm basing my limited faith in her on is the way she is when she's with me. Actions speak way louder then words and by her actions I know how she feels for me. She's very patient, forgiving, understanding, intelligent, attractive and out-going. I don't want to hold her back if she wants to go out and be with other people, I totally believe that if you love someone you set them free, I'd never put any demands on her or have unrealistic expectations but the one thing I do expect, being faithful, she betrayed.

This is turning into a novel but basically what I want to say is I have forgiven her for this but I'll never forget and it's going to take a long time to stop hurting. She's a member on this site now I hope she gets a chance to read this and perhaps comment, I'm a firm believer in communication. I know she wants to make it work but I can't right now however even if I end up losing in the end, I want to be there as a friend and support for her because I care, she's got her whole life ahead of her and hopefully this life lesson will serve her in the future.

[Merika]

Paul.....I am sooooooooooo sorry....and I know how much you love this girl.

Cheating doesn't always mean that the person who does it doesn't love the person they are cheating on...it can be an indication of a great many other problems. Some of those can be dealt with due to her remorse....and other's can be an indication of even worse problems.

No one can really decide for you as to what the next course of action should be for you. It's a hard call.

Then again, your situation has been all different. The joint agreement of the abstinance of sex until marriage was rooted and grounded on your joint faith. Due to this being a VERY important part of your life.....it's not something that someone who wants to be a part of your life should play with.

It may be an answer you can only find while on your knees Sweetie.......

Again....I'm SO sorry. Life and love suck......but it shouldn't happen to someone as honerable as you. That seems so unfair.

[Paul]

Merika your words mean so much to me! All of you are awesome people who I'm growing to truely appreciate!

You're right in so many ways Merika, the thing is I don't deserve it. My honor is gone. I'm at the point of tears writing this, but the fact is that I totally blew it. I made that commitment but as of 2 weeks ago I didn't keep it and for that I have much regret. I put myself into a relationship and a situation where it was inevitable and I still can't tell you how it happened. The only thing I can say is, as of 2 days ago I thought I was ok with it ONLY because I knew that it happened when I was emotionally ready for it and that it was with someone I love deeply. Now I'm not sure, in a way I feel like just another used piece of $#!%, I'm really confused and sad about the choices I've made lately. This coupled with the fact that the people she had sex with now mean nothing to her makes me feel that what we've shared is worthless. I know I put a MUCH higher value on it because of my beliefs, that's partly why her cheating has hurt me so much, I mean when you think about it, the physical act is really not that big of a deal, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. What it does to me, rips me apart inside. I asked her if what we shared was worthless, she's told me otherwise but I'm so pissed at myself about this right now that I'm going to just drop the subject.

But you know, this is what life is all about and being able to talk to people about these issues are what this site is all about, for that I am more greatful then anything. I'm learning a LOT right now, done stuff I swore to myself I wouldn't and put myself in situations I never would normally. In my opinion, part of it is due to deeper issues in my life and a need to find answers, the other part is because of my lack of commitment to spending time on my knees. I'm going to be alright and I know everything will work out in the end, it just seems to be coming at me pretty fast right now and I need time to mull it over.

[Samson]

I've already forgiven her, it actually hurt me way more that she lied to me then the cheating itself. I've decided to be friends and talk through this and try to work it out.

So you're asking us if we think you're being a putz?

Of course not. I think how we react to this situation is highly individualized. There is no "right" way to respond.

However, the fact is that while you claim to have forgiven, the context of your message leads me to believe that you really haven't. If this is true, and you're continuously opening the "can of worms" with her about this event from the distant past, then you'll eventually drive her away.

[Paul]

Yes Samson you are right, it's been 2 days so the wound is still fresh but if we're going to continue then it has to be buried and we move on. I don't think it's so much that I haven't forgiven as it is that I can't forget and I'm scared of it happening again, but perhaps I'm wrong on this and I haven't forgiven?

I'm going to leave this topic alone for a few days and stop picking at it or it'll never heal, we'll see where we're at then.

[twinkle]

To tell you the truth, Paul, I grow up having the same convictions as you you do, in the sense where I wanted to be pure before getting married.

That and my wish that never ever will anyboy call me ****. So I wanted to "cut" the evil from its root. Then when I was 19, I met my ex. I did stand on what I was believing in for a while.

Then he said that this relationship was either to evolve or die. He was 4 years than I was and had already waited 6 months. In one way, he was right. We were saying words like "forever" "love" "kis" etc.


My point is that I understand your view on sex. To me is extremely meaningful also. It ties you up to a person immensely. That what my nightmare. That it will end up controlling me. But you master it. Trust me, you can.


Back to your problem... not all people feel the same way about this. Paul, my ex bf who loved very much wanted to leave me after 6 months. Maybe I was weak for giving in. I don't know. Maybe I really really trusted he was the one. For those who did start their sex life, giving up is not something that's that easily done :wink: .

What I know is that it's very very rare to be able to have relationships and stick to your believes. Call me a cynic, but... it was a bit predictable. You were in a long term relationship, but it was the beginning of it. If you were that serious about her, it doesn't mean that she was that serious about you back then.


You are over analysing it. The truth is, Paul, it happened a long time ago an it regards something, one aspect of her life that you cannot fulfill. And that is real. I'm not saying she is or was intittled to be cheating. All I'm saying is that maybe you're a little bit too hard on her. An on yourself for that matter

[Paul]

Maybe you're right. I don't think in the fall is a long time ago and I find that most of her friends say the same thing, it's frustrating, it's an excuse and it infuriates me. Somehow I feel that in the end I'm the one who is wrong in all of this and perhaps I am. I just want to love her but if I can't be what she needs then I don't want to waste her and my time. Maybe I'm wrong in my approach but I'm here because I want to learn and see it from another perspective, please be patient with me as I've never been so hurt or loved someone so much before. I'll figure it out eventually.

[twinkle]

Paul, there's nothing wrong with you. And this is not your fault. I am simply trying to... make you feel better.

I think you should stant up to what you believe in. If you don't you won't have any self respect.

Sorry, I though the cheating happened at the beginning of the relationship. You bet fall isn't that far away :x .

I do not understand her. If it had happened one time, long ago, when she was intoxicated, after a big fight with you... maybe. I think it's great that you're searching for answers. Just look into your heart and go with it.

[Duke]

You may never figure it out Paul, I've been through the relationship ringer and I think I understand less with each failed relationship. Of course I don't let it get me too down because I think that there may be a woman out there somewhere who can understand me.