Rules To Live By

[Merika]

Rules to Live By

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".

10.Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

Any favorites? I especially like 3, 4 and 17.

[Mondo]

Some of those are excellent metaphors!

[Duke]

3 and 10 seem to sum up my day.

[Merika]

I feel the same on a rainy day!

Plus I always feel just a little more 'amorous'.

[Duke]

Actually I'll take the rain over a hot day anytime. I can't stand the heat and humidity is even worse.

[Merika]

I didn't know Canada HAD humidity!

[Duke]

Not so much on the west coast but that doesn't mean that all of Canada is living in Igloos.

[Merika]

I didn't know Canada HAD igloos!

[Duke]

Must have just redied the hair huh?

[Merika]

The brain cells I've lost due to Mr. Clairol....I have made up for in free beer!

[Duke]

You must have lost a lot of brain cells if you think beer actually replaces them, rofl.

[Merika]

Beer doesn't REPLACE....it simply numbs one's ability to give a damn!

[Duke]

until the next morning that is. :?

[Luba]

I was looking for Vautrin's earlier posts and came across this GEM!! I thought the "Rules to Live By" were funny until I read Duke's and Merika's hilarious posts after them...what a great thread!