My (not so happy) Valentine

[twinkle]

As I've told you, I was trying to let things happen for a while, take my time and not see my bf (last week end). I was mad and you all remember why. I repeteadly told him I didn't feel like or wanted to see him.

He was invited at a party on Saturday and repetedly invited me there. I stood my ground and said "no", although I knew there were a few (let's say a lot) of girls I knew coming.

Little background: my bf likes flirting. He enjoys the attention. At parties, he hated to stay near me or spend a lot of time near me. We would ocassionally talk during them, but nothing more. At the last party we were at, there were this girl practically throwing herself at him. Well, he didn't do much to stop her, although I was there. It did bother me a lot, but then I hae scenes. So I was discrete, but did show her that he's taken (like occasioanlly kiss him, or hug him when I was on my way to talk to other people). She got tired of his little game and quit it.

I can't blame the girl. I mean she knew we were together, saw us coming together and yet didn't see me around him at all. Of course, in his defence I'll admit that I was surrounded by boys, but I was not flirting. I don't need to. I talked about photography, about school, about living in a foreign country... and the guys got it and respected that.



So.... apparenty, at the last party I didn't go (sorry, I do have a life and projects to turn in) there was this new girl he had talked to that he found nice and interesting. I told him to be carefull, knowing him. So at this party, her and her sister crushed in... Unexpected... ok. I talked to him on the phone that night, he told me about them being there... I was mean and I told him I still didn't feel like seeing him, but that I hope he would have a good time.

Ok, apparently there was a lot of drinking involved, he had been talking to her for a while and she asks him to accompany her downstairs - the ^party was at a friend's flat, in a block. Well, he accompanies her down (doesn't know why) they talk, he tells her that h's got a gf, and she tries to kiss him. He repeates her again that, they stay downstairs for 2 minuetes (while the rest of his friends were spying on the window) and then he goes back to the party. Realises he made a huge mistake, goes home and the next day tells me ALL about it.

The party was the Saturday before V. Day. I flip out, my pride is beyond hurt, so I leave him. He begs me for a chance to explain and tells me it was a mistake. He was drunk, talked to this girl, went out where she tried to kiss him.


So yeah, there you have it, my funny Valentine.

He sent me a bonsai, and we eventually met Monday and he was totally sorry and repelling. Insisted on "no big deal" thing. I was out of it, I mean I totally trusted him. So, yeahh....



I was so ashamed to tell you guys about this. Merika, I even tried to pm you, but didn't have the guts.

We met and talked, and talked and met. He seems to be genuinly sorry and realises I was right all the way. We talked about all the things that went wrong... I don't know. He seemed genuinly desperate about losing me, my trust... He tried really hard these days.

All I could think of was that Monday there was V. Day and next Monday is our 1 year anniversary... I'm puzzled, so I've decided to work work work on my school projects...

My bf asked me to tell you guys about this and ask for your adice. Merika, I told my bf about you and that he didn't quite have an ally in you. He likes you anyway .

So feel free to say I'm the world's sucker for believing him...

[Stone]

I don't know girly, in his defense it must hurt his feeling hearing you say that you don't want to see him all the time, but at the same time he shouldn't be flirting with girls.

It's up to you if you feel that you want to work this realtionship out or not, if you don't want to put the effort in to it, or if your afraid of getting hurt or having trust issues then you should simply leave the relationship and not look back.

[Meanon]

I do think he's telling the truth but to me that's not the issue. He stikes me (not for the first time) as being exceptionally immature, playing boys games to boost his ego. This may be too harsh, I know. I'm a lot older than you. The consequence of this is that he lacks the emotional maturity to behave in ways that enable you to trust him completely. There's almost always nothing in it but can you be bothered to put up with it again and again?

His timing isn't great either, coming so soon after the uncertainty caused by the issues with sex and doubts about his longer term committment.

It all boils down to how much you love him and whether on balance the relationship makes you happy. Personally I think you are at the stage in your life when you need a man, not a boy. But I have no doubt that he loves you dearly and would do anything he can to keep you.

Sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment, twinkle. Hugs from meanon

[Merika]

Oh Twinkle...you NEVER have to be embarassed. There isn't an adult on here who hasn't been in a situation where they felt, and perhaps even looked like, a complete fool. It comes with the territory of love.

As far as that AssClown's actions....in his defense... he can't help it if other women find him attractive. If a person has a flirty nature...then you mix in alcohol and opportunity.....stuff happens. Most people who flirt...don't do so because they are actually interested in the other person.....they flirt because they like the attention. Will they change? Probably not. It's part of who they are and their character. It doesn't at all suggest they aren't happy in their current relationship.

The only question you have to ask yourself is if you can live with someone who has that particular nature. He could TRY to change....but if he exudes some sort of sexiness that other females find attractive..... it's what makes him who he is and asking him to be something different isn't really fair.

I've said before....just because a person falls in love...doesn't mean they went blind. He's probably always going to draw the attention of other females and he's probably always going to like it. If you chose to stay with him....chances are you'll relive your Valentine's Day scenario over and over,in one form or another, for many years to come.

It doesn't make him a monster or a player or a jerk...... he just enjoys the attention of women....ANY woman. Being 100% faithful.... may not be his high point. Only YOU know if you can live with the situation and love him for WHO HE IS....not for what you wish he was.

[darkangelism]

im sorry that you feel badly. You shouldnt be embarassed to pm merika, she cares about you.

My friend has a bf who has the same flirty personality that your bf does, and she hates it, she puts up with it but it starts a lot of fights. I highly doubt he will ever change, so if you can put up with it stay, if you cant, maybe you are wasting your time, and putting yourself through lots of stress.

[Meanon]

Merika's right twinkle. We've all been there, feeling like a fool over love.

I'm a dreadful flirt too and it rarely means anything, it's just fun. Because of that, I don't have to do it. I'd never do it if it made the person I was with feel uncomfortable or unloved.

He must have known she fancied him yet he couldn't resist seeeing how far she would go by agreeing to be with her on his own. On it's own this may not be a big deal but he does it regularly, regardless of how it makes you feel. He's unlikely to change in the short term.

It's nothing new, in the past you've been confident enough to ignore it. Where you happy then? If so then it's the other issues that need your attention, not this red herring.

[Samson]

I'll try to couch my advise, in my usual way, in a sad attempt to pander to the softer side of the psyche:
.................................................. .................................................. ..
Tell him to "Go F@#$ himself!"

[Duke]

Man this topic sound harsh and I know I'm going to be hassled for this but I don't think what he did was all that bad. He told the gal he had a gf and left the situation, what's wrong with that?

I understand all the stuff that happened earlier and still am not sure what happened there but this party thing just doesn't sound that outrageous to me at all. Sure he should try and curb the flirting and maybe you should give him the gears for that but as for him losing your respect or trust over this party thing seems a bit over the top.

You both sound very young to me and I really don't see much about your situation that differs from that of other young people in social situations. Also, you may not have been flirting at all with all the men around you twinkle but I'll be suprised if he wasn't jealous of seeing it, I would have been when I was younger and less mature.

I'm basing all of the above off of my own experiences when I was in my earlier 20's.