It's been 8 years since he died....

[Ayla]

I didn't know where to post this....so feel free to move it...

It's been eight years since my Dad passed away. He died of colon cancer when I was 15 years old. My heart still hurts for the hole that been left in my life by his death. I think about him often, but now that I'm getting older it's affecting me even more so. I think about him a lot, and can break into tears at the drop of a hat.

I recently heard a song "In the living years". I think Rod Stewart sings it...but I don't know for sure. Anyway I was driving home from work and it came on the radio and I broke into tears and cried like someone had ripped my leg off and started to beat me with it. Its about someone who lost their dad and has all these things he wishes he could have told him when he was alive. It was like it was written for me.

I was only 15 when he died. During the 6 months of his illness I didn't try to learn all I could about him instead I did everything I could to not think about the fact that he was going to die. I think about the last time I saw him alive and I can see his face just as plainly as if I'm looking at a photograph. I hate that I know so little about my own father and his life until I was born.

I'm 23 now. I was recently married and we're buying a house and talking about starting a family. I can't stand the fact that my children will never know my father, that he will never hold his grandchildren in his arms. They'll never really know what a good man he was. In 100 years, nobody will even remember his name. Even if they happen to chance upon his gravestone, all they'll know his his name and the day he was born into this world and the day he left it. They won't realize what that dash in between the dates mean.

I wasn't home when he died. I wish I had've been. I wish I could've been holding his hand when he left this world. My mom said that when he died he was looking at her and a single tear rolled down his face and he looked past her and smiled....and that was it. He was gone. He had taken his last breath.

I don't understand why that even after 8 years the pain is just as fresh as the day it was we laid him into his grave. I don't want to forget him, but I don't want to have to grieve for him like this everyday either...

[Merika]

I don't think you ever get over the death of someone you love. You only get used to living without them.

Like you said, now that you are ready to begin a family of your own, you are probably feeling the empty spot your Dad left behind a little more deeper. It's a shame your kids won't have the chance to know him face to face. You will be able to share stories and pictures with them though.

I guess the only peace you can find in all this is that at least you have a wonderful memory of him. Even though he isn't here now....you have the joy of remembering the relationship and how much you meant to one another. In your heart he will always be with you.

I think it would be worse if someone has a parent who is alive and does not have any happy memories of them.

I wish I could make you feel better!

[Duke]

That was a beautiful story even though the circumstances around it are so sad. I think your dad is with you every day in your heart. It sounds like he was a great man and he left part of his greatness in your heart.

[Ayla]

Thanks Merika and Duke.

Ya know Merika, you're right about one thing, I'm blessed that the time I did have with my father left me with so many good memories. I know more than a few people who's fathers aren't a part of their lives in any way and the few memories they have of them aren't good ones.

And Duke, you're right...he is with me every day in my heart. At my wedding I insisted there be an empty chair in the front row for him. I laid a rose it it after I walked up the isle. And after the preacher man pronounced us man and wife I looked at that spot and could picture him sitting there smiling back at me.

[Duke]

Ayla, you should actually consider writing down some of these thoughts and putting them in some sort of an epitaph or shrine to your father. You're very articulate and well spoken and you're words carry tremendous emotion and meaning. I bet if you actually took a journalism course that you would be a successful writer.

Also, I believe Hallmark and other card companies would pay handsomely for cards that carry this type of meaning.

[Merika]

Another important message in all of this, especially for those who didn't or don't have great parents, is that even if you DO have great parents....it doensn't mean life is all hunky-dory for you. At any time....anyone's whole life can change. Anyone can face pain, disappointment and great loss.

All you can do is pick up the pieces and move on with your dreams.

[Duke]

I have a great mother and do not look forward to her passing. Fortunately that may be many years away from now.

[Star]

Ayla, I'm so sorry you lost your dad. Your story touched my heart; very touchy.

Grief has no time limit. You clearly loved your dad and he knows that. He is with you every minute of every day. I wish there was something I can say to take away your pain.

[Duke]

I'm sure your dad is out there somewhere, looking down on you with a heartful of love and pride for how great of a person his daughter is.

[Ayla]

Thank you all for your kind words. My father's passing is a very touchy subject for me and I don't discuss it with many people. Sometimes though, you just want other people to hear and to know your thoughts. It's so wonderful to have a place like this forum to come to when you need support and understanding. Thank you Duke for creating this place.

[Duke]

That's what we're here for Ayla and I'm very happy that you felt comfortable enough to share that with us.

I'd like to turn the thank you back to all of you guys. Sure I provided a body but all of you are the soul. You all have my utmost of respect!