Honing Communication Skills

Merika · 10-03-2004, 03:14 PM

I have a great friend on the internet. Some of you know who she is and have benefited from her skillful words of wisdom and guidance. She has this wonderful quality of 'communicating' up front. She asked the right questions....she won't let you slide. While she does this....you feel comfortable because she's so good at it.

I, on the other hand, just suck at confrontations. Either I'm all mealy mouthed....or I wait till I'm really made so I can say something stupid or dramatic like a bad B movie script.

I think the lack of communication skills it the death of a relationship, the hindrance of any in depth friendship and makes you a crappy parent. I don't say what I'm thinking during an acceptable time because I don't want to rock the boat or hurt someone's feelings. I wait until some unGodly time and blow it all to H*LL and back....making things worse than if I had taken the first option.

Am I the only person who suffers from this....and how would you correct it?

Duke · 10-03-2004, 04:34 PM

I used to be like this and still am to some degree. It's a bit different depending on the person I'm conversing with. I don't believe you can ever beat the fear of confrontation. Nobody likes confrontation, it's just some people are better at it than others. Those who like confrontation are usually bitter, angry and alone, at least the people I know like that are.

I can only say that when I have an emotion, either positive or negative, I share it. Bottling it up does no good and leads to trouble down the road. If the person you're sharing it with isn't interested then it's time to put some distance between you and them either physically or mentally.

Merika · 10-05-2004, 05:38 PM

I believe one confrontational skill involves saying 'I want the truth'...don't care if it hurts or if I disagree with it.....'I need it from you'.

I don't do that. I sit around hoping it will work itself out....then I get all pissed off and hurty feelings because it miraculously didn't.

Confrontation takes great courage.

Duke · 10-06-2004, 11:39 PM

Some people are also confrontational because they don't give a rats ass.

Star · 12-30-2004, 07:08 AM

I don't have a problem confronting hubby or the kids. I have a problem confronting friends and other members of the family. I usually let it sit and see if things get any better ( I can take a lot of crap before I blow up!). If it doesn't and the person continues whatever, I will end up confronting. I'm in a situation now where I need to confront an old friend of mine (that I decided to get back in touch with) and I'm having a problem with it. I'd rather just not talk to her ever again instead but I know that's not the right thing to do. She needs to hear what I have to say and if we stop talking after that, then so be it. It isn't someone I can live without and I'll miss terribly so it's no sweat off my back. But, I still should confront her because what she did is unexceptable behaviour and she needs to know that and hear from me. Now I'm all pissed again! Geesh!! :roll:

Merika · 12-31-2004, 01:00 AM

Star....Maybe you should send her one of your ticker.com's (which I LOVE) saying in 1 month - 13 days and 23 minutes....I'm going to kick your butt.

Seriously, as I posted, I generally don't confront things at all only because it rarely changes anything. I think only between my immediate family, children or if I had an SO....would I ever say anything.

All you can do is weigh out the situation and decide if it's worth it or not.

Star · 12-31-2004, 10:36 AM

I confronted her yesterday as a matter of fact and it felt GOOD! I ended up telling her that I'd never talk to her again and I thought she was spun then i hung up on her. that's the end of that. I am so sorry that i got in touch with her again. i should've known better. I'll never do that again!

Stone · 12-31-2004, 10:50 AM

I have NO Problem confronting people about things but it gets to the point where i am mean nad nasty about things. I can say exactaly what I am thinking but I disregard the persons feelings, I am a little to upfront and I need to be more sensitive to everyones feelings. So even though I don't have a problem with confruntation I still have Horrible communication skills. and it usually turns around and bites me in the arse...

( I can't spell worth a dam so I apoligise in advance)

Merika · 01-01-2005, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duke

Some people are also confrontational because they don't give a rats ass.

Well said.

Meanon · 01-01-2005, 06:45 AM

I'm not good at confrontation either. I hate conflict. In fact I have a dreadful habit of saying what needs to be said and then immediately asking if everything is alright, which can be very irritating.

I do it when I begin to feel resentful, because then I reckon it's unfair to get all

Quote:

pissed off and hurty feelings

without telling the person how you feel.

If you attack someone, you are often making all sorts of judgements about them based on their conduct which may or may not be accurate. Better to stick to how you feel, I find, as it means you are more likely to get a constructive response.

Cindy · 01-01-2005, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meanon

I do it when I begin to feel resentful, because then I reckon it's unfair to get all

Quote:

pissed off and hurty feelings

without telling the person how you feel.

I agree with that Meanon. Unfortunately, I have a hard time figuring out how to express how I feel without hurting their feelings.

Quote:

If you attack someone, you are often making all sorts of judgements about them based on their conduct which may or may not be accurate. Better to stick to how you feel, I find, as it means you are more likely to get a constructive response.

Meanon, can you explain how to tell the difference between "attacking" someone and telling them how you feel? Sometimes people may think they are just telling someone how they feel, yet the person thinks they are being attacked, when that is not what you are meaning to do at all.

I think that's a big problem for most people, knowing how to communicate with so many different types of people with different backgrounds, personalities and life experiences...knowing how they are going to take what you say.

So many people get defensive when you try to explain how you feel and why you feel that way. Through the counseling I've had in my lifetime and books I have read, I've always been told that your feelings and thoughts are owned by you and you have a right to them, even if others don't agree with them or understand them. I have a hard time knowing how to deal with people who get angry with me when I try to express my feelings and thoughts. In my own mind, I'm just trying to be honest with them.

How do you figure out how to know the difference between whether what you say might be construed as an attack or just being honest about your feelings? Help!

Meanon · 01-02-2005, 06:53 AM

Cindy! That was a heart felt plea. I loved talking to you on MSN the other night, we must do it again soon

I'll answer your post properly when I have more time tonight, I'm not at home. I'm not that good at confrontation myself, being a total coward - but I do know the theory.

Later,
meanon

Meanon · 01-02-2005, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Meanon, can you explain how to tell the difference between "attacking" someone and telling them how you feel?

I'm not sure I can, but I'll try.

It's a difficult balance to strike, telling someone things you need to say whilst not hurting their feelings.

I guess the first thing to ask is, does it really need saying? If it's something that the other person has done to you or said to you then it may well need to be tackled, whereas if it's about someone's life which is independent of yours then it's much more likely to be judged as an attack on character, unless they have indicated they will be receptive to your intervention.

As to how to tackle it - being clear about what it is, limiting yourself to how it made you feel, those in theory are the best ways though I have to say, they don't always work for me. So if you went to someone's house and they never offered you a drink (stupid example) and it really annoyed you, you could say "you are not welcoming, you don't value my friendship, I'm really upset that you don't think enough of me to offer me a drink". Or you could say, "I get thirsty when I visit you and I always feel awkward as I don't know whether to help myself or wait for you to offer, which would you like me to do?" The latter contains no judgements, it limits itself solely to your feelings.

I'm not sure that will help, PM me if you wish Cindy.

Cindy · 01-03-2005, 02:33 PM

Thanks Meanon. That does help. I guess I need to remain in search of the oh-so-elusive tact.

What is your opinion on this scenario. Say you had a friend and you had not seen them for quite some time because of some things they did or said that really bothered you, hurt you or disappointed you. What if you then see that person and they ask you why you hadn't been around, why they stopped hearing from you? Do you tell them the truth about why you chose to stop seeing them or speaking to them or do you make up a lie and pretend everything is fine?

If you choose to be honest with them about the reasons and they react in a negative way, what do you do then?