Understanding Depression

Luba · 08-02-2005, 08:09 AM

Since I learned not to tell a friend suffering from depression "Snap out of it", "try this or do that" which she constantly hears from people, in other words, not giving any advice, just listening and not being judgemental at all, not telling stuff like "you look awful", "you lost weight", or other negative words she's been hearing, my friend has started opening up to me and I find that the things I'm hearing are frightening me and I don't know how to handle this and it's taking it's toll! This weekend it took all the will I had in me to phone and listen to the most terrifying sadness and debilitative state I have ever experienced in my life! I feel at the time she needs me most, I find I can't handle it anymore...what kind of a friend am I? Most everyone in her life has turned away, and I never, ever thought I would be like that, but it's happening and I don't want it to, but like I said, I'm very troubled about it so much so that it's on my mind the most these days.

Does anyone suffer from that kind of depression, or knows someone who is and how do you handle it for yourself so that you are not "pulled under" which is no help at all?

She is on medication, and the more she's given, the worse she feels. It doesn't seem to be helping her at all.

Star · 08-02-2005, 08:50 AM

I have a friend who for most of the years that I was her friend was always so depressed about everything. Her negativity got to me so bad that I stopped all together from talking to her for years because it was just too depressing for me to have to listen to this every day.

I just started to be in contact with her again and now she's a different person. She's not negative about life like she used to be and it's actually very nice to talk to her now. I guess most of her friends had stopped contact with her and she finally went for the help that she needed. She's on meds too now and it's working wonders for her. She was diagnosed as being Bipolar so you can imagine how she was before the meds came into her life.

I think that sometimes it's best that friends back off a bit. YOu can't help somebody that doesn't want to be helped. all the listening and advice in the world will do no good and they end up using you as their crutch without even knowing it.

I'm happy that I backed off for a few years (I had no contact with her at all) because now I have my friend back and she's a pleasure to be around.

Merika · 08-03-2005, 10:36 AM

I used to think it was mind over matter and that some people just couldn't cope with life because they were defunct.

However, when I was real sick with a low oxygen count and didn't know it....I really WASN'T seeing all things rationally or making good decisions. I had to focus on driving and not getting upset over everything. I didn't know what was wrong with me and why I was so confused. I thought I was going senile.

After that situation, I more understood if someone had a particular chemical imbalance or even a physical illness ...they could easily feel overwhelmed in life and not react productively.

This is not the same as people who are just negative all the time because feeling sorry for themselves is their character. People like that annoy me.

Stone · 08-03-2005, 09:34 PM

My boyfriend or Whatever the heck he is this week :? Is BiPolor. He takes several medications some days are better than others he CAN NOT function without his medications and most of the time he is depressed and makes the entire house depressed.

I stopped trying to understand him along time ago now I just cope... with him and for him. Depressions is very real and medication can be extreamly helpful but if the person doesn't want to "change there state of mind" they can't medications don't make that happen

Merika · 08-03-2005, 10:38 PM

Do you guys think that SOME people use 'depression' as an excuse to just be a crappy butted person??? I do.

Duke · 08-03-2005, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merika

Do you guys think that SOME people use 'depression' as an excuse to just be a crappy butted person??? I do.

I also think it's also a commonly over and mis-diagnosed problem. Some doctors ask you a lot of open ended questions just so they can leap at putting you on meds. If your depressed enough, you may stick with it for who knows how long.

Vautrin · 08-04-2005, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merika

Do you guys think that SOME people use 'depression' as an excuse to just be a crappy butted person??? I do.

Yes. People use any excuse they can lay their hands on to justify their behavior. Normal working people, politicians, lawyers who sleep during court-sessions, who not. But as long as they are avoiding personal responsibility, they will never improve themselves.

Animal · 08-04-2005, 11:46 AM

one of my BEST friends is on medication for depression, she used to cut herself, she smokes and drinks and all that bad stuff because she is depressed and i talk to her about it and she tells me that if she didnt smoke she'd cut so it keeps her away from that. i find it hard to deal with depressed peopel considering how happy i am, but even if they can't help being depressed i think its kinda selfish to pile all their feelings on top of their friends, my friend doesn't do that and i'm glad. but as for your friend... i dont think she should put it all on you to help her.

09-01-2005, 11:59 PM

I am bi-polar. I've had "depression" for 20 years. I'm on 6 medications. I've had to deal with friends and family telling me to "snap out of it" for so long I could just scream. It's not something a person just snaps out of. In my case it's both biological and from the environment I was brought up in. When I found my birth family two years ago I found out that all of siblings (on both sides) were either bi-polar/and or had depression, anxiety, and/or agoraphobia. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain, not something that a person can just snap out of...

Merika · 09-02-2005, 08:42 AM

I think in alot of cases, especially with a horrific childhood like you did Eeper, that those memories and hurts can follow people for their whole lives. I don't know if that's a chemical imbalance or if life just sucked so bad...until it's hard to live the rest of it without residual bitterness and anger. I know I sure would.

I know in many thing that happened to me later in life....talking to someone (such as I do with Meanon for FREE who is a therapist) has really helped me see things in a different prospective. Have you ever found any sort of therapy or counselling as being helpful?

Meanon · 09-04-2005, 03:11 PM

I see what you mean now when you say I'm CHEAP, merika

.

Luba, I've felt like that at times when I've struggled to cope with the demands others have made of me, particularly when I was younger. Now I find it much easier to set boundaries that mean I give what I can, when I can. Think of it this way. You are a positive influence in her life and can only remain so if you don't get too affected by her problems. So help as much as you can, but know that you are doing the right thing for both of you if you occasionally need to withdraw to restore the bit of you that's helping her.

Non-jugmental is fine but do encourage her to look at things from alternative perspectives and to persist in seeking treatment that helps. Just don't expect her to take on board everything you say. The meds should be helping if she's been on them for more than 2 weeks, if they aren't she should go back to her Doctor. It sometimes takes a while to get the right diagnosis as well as the type and dosage of meds. The right type of therapy with someone she can relate well to may help too. Her doctor is the best person to advise on the type. I think cognitive behavioural psychotherapy works well for depression. There's a strong research base to prove it's effectiveness.

Luba · 09-04-2005, 04:00 PM

Thank you so much for your advice, Meanon! I have never ever witnessed a depression this bad! Nothing one can say or do helps, not even her doctor...the medications she gets just makes it worse...I can't believe it! I have backed off just before my vacation and haven't phoned her yet since I've been back...I guess I just don't want to see it worse...because every time I have, she has felt worse...I hate the feeling that I'm abandoning her, too...
And mentioning Psychotherapy will end our friendship, she has been through that before, but I only know her side...

Merika · 09-04-2005, 06:38 PM

Geez Luba... does she have a family member you could talk to?

Luba · 09-04-2005, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merika

Geez Luba... does she have a family member you could talk to?

Nope...all alone in the world except for her husband...it must be terribly difficult for him and for her because she can't help it!

09-08-2005, 12:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luba

Thank you so much for your advice, Meanon! I have never ever witnessed a depression this bad! Nothing one can say or do helps, not even her doctor...the medications she gets just makes it worse...I can't believe it! I have backed off just before my vacation and haven't phoned her yet since I've been back...I guess I just don't want to see it worse...because every time I have, she has felt worse...I hate the feeling that I'm abandoning her, too...
And mentioning Psychotherapy will end our friendship, she has been through that before, but I only know her side...

I have a friend who is very against psychotherapy and/or medication. He has some valid points against it. Backing off may end your friendship. I have another friend that occassionally sends me email cards saying things like "thinking of you" or "this reminded me of you" or "you are a good person" things like that. It's meant a lot on days that were bad. Perhaps you can do that or think of other things to cheer her up.

Luba · 09-08-2005, 08:42 AM

Thanks, Eeper, Great Advice!! She doesn't do E-mail, but I Can do the cards! Wonderful idea...I've been feeling so guilty because I just didn't know what to do anymore...