Self-Pity Discussion

[Duke]

From the News Page.

For the record, this is not an article on how to conquer self-pity since the only person who can conquer self-pity is one self. Of course, the only way you can truly conquer self-pity is to confront it and deal with the issues responsible for making you feel sorry for yourself.

Many articles claim that the seeds of self-pity are sewn in our own self-doubt. I personally believe this may be one way to start pitying yourself but I don't believe it's the only factor. In fact I believe it's entirely possible to be a very secure individual and fall into a pattern of self-pity due to circumstances beyond your control.

An article posted at personal development.com has some examples of things you can do to "crawl from the mire of self-pity".

Quoted directly from the article:

1. Rather than run from the pain that’s troubling you, face it and use it as a catalyst for change. Use your misery as motivation for self-improvement. Find out what you are doing wrong and correct your behavior. Become angry at your own self-defeating actions and do something about it. Yes, it’s as simple as that. Although it’s simple, change does involve more pain (no pain, no gain) because of the effort you have to make. But this type of pain is to be welcomed, for it will dissolve your misery and restore your happiness.

2. Don’t add to your suffering by comparing yourself to others. Life is not a competition; it is a garden. Every flower (person) is different but beautiful in it’s own way.

Any thoughts on this article or on the topic of self-pity?

[Vautrin]

It is surprising how adversive Western culture is to pain. People spend time and what not to avoid pain, or even be reminded of pain, of death, of aging. And everything else that reminds them of the limited existence alive.

We have made pain into the biggest enemy of life. And that has a crippling effect, because a lot of self-improvement, depends on dealing with resistance, dealing with pain, in order to overcome your previous boundaries, and setting new boundaries.

Some people try to beat those boundaries as a goal per se, but that is not necessarily the wisest thing either. It is then about beating the boundaries as a goal, and not one self as a goal.

Social comparison is natural among people, but not to the extent that is promoted nowadays. Because nowadays the ideology is that you have to have a bigger house, a more expensive car, a more attractive partner, more useless gadgets, et cetera. Sometimes you get the impression, that if you don't compete in this rat-race you are often mistaken for insane.

This sometimes has nothing to do with comparing skills (who is the better chess player, who knows about mechanics, et cetera), but is nothing less than deriving one's own "value" through all these comparisons.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your child to have a better life than you have yourself. However, if people go in blind pursuit of making the cash needed for all the childs whims, wishes, and attributed desires, the relationship with the child will either suffer, or become detrimental to the child itself.

Another thing to notice, is that our culture tends to encourage passivism. Why walk to the TV if there is a remote? Why use your own brains to calculate 7 * 6, if you are in front of the computer? There are a gazillion examples that could easily have been given.

That passivism may well be related to people remaining in situations in which self-pity predominates.

[Luba]

I think it was a WONDERFUL article, I voted on it, and it made me think about my own life. Yes, I've had a difficult upbringing and it was a source of self-pity for a LONG time! Somewhere along the line, probably beginning with the wonderful Harpers and then the Wilsons, I began to see things differently. I began to take responsibility for making myself a better person! I could have continued on my destructive course, or I had the choice for laughter and really LOOKING at the wonders of the world, the good things! Then I began to be grateful for the difficulties because they made me a better person...by that I mean, if I was handed everything and not had to make it for myself, I wouldn't be so appreciative of everything and everyone I have in my life! I am still on the path of being the best person I can be, kinder, loving, gracious! I don't always succeed, and I fall flat on my face, but I still keep on trying. So...Self-pity....NO, I don't have it anymore! Things happen and I have a choice how to handle it...There are problems that arise that I can't solve immediately so I do sometimes tend to stew, BUT I KNOW it won't last and before long, I'll be carrying on in my merry way having a good belly laugh or two!