I feel lost

[Star]

today was a pretty normal day. went to work, came home, had dinner thenthe phone rings. krystal's on the other end of the phone. we haven't been on the "speaking terms" since bailey was born, I thought she was calling to start her crap again.... I was sooooo wrong....

when she was pregnant with bailey, i noticed some strange pink bump like thing with spider veins running from it on her outer thigh. she had a couple of those. i thought she was way tooyoung to have spider veins and the bump didn't sem right at all so i told her she should go the doctors asap to have that checked out.

She calls me and asks me if i had saved her umbilecal cord from birth. I said no then asked her why she would ask me for something like that. then she told me that she went for blood tests and x-rays and got her results today and the doctor told her she's got leukemia. shock was my first reaction, then i asked a few questions then i told her that if this is some kind of sick joke it isn't funny...she started to cry and said, no mom, it's not a joke, i do have leukemia and started bawling her eyes out. my troubled little girl has cancer. i don't know what to do. i feel all kinds of emotions...guilt mostly for pushing her away these past couple of months and feeling like i should be there more for her. i want to hold her in my arms and make her booboo all better.

this isn't something that you never think would happen to your child, ever. my brother's wife lost her little brother at 18 of leukemia. he went from a healthy kid playing football to passing away in less then a year.

i asked her to make a doctor's appointment for this friday so that i can talk to the doctor about this and know what she needs to go through now and if there's even a sliver of hope that she recovers from this.

I'm so scared for her. i don't know what to do.

[TKDLady]

Oh Star, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. There are all kinds of cancer advancements these days. Maybe they caught it soon enough. If there is anything I can do for you, research or something, let me know. My aunt had it when I was a very young girl. I never got to know her. My prayers are with you and your daughter.

[Luba]

Star, you have such strength and once you get over the shock, you will be there for her like we all know you've been through thick and thin. My prayers are for your daughter and you!

[Duke]

Star I don't even have anything remotely close to a logical response to your post above. You've been through so much with your daughter and her situation that you've done nothing for yourself. As a friend (yes, I consider you a true friend!), I've watched as the turmoil has chipped away at you ever so slowly and now I'd be lying if I didn't feel your a shell of the woman I met a few years ago.

True to form, another thing comes along to suck the life out of you and I just don't think it's fair. I really feel for your daughter too so please don't think I'm glossing over her situation but it's remote to me as I don't know her, I only know of her through you. I sincerely hope she can get through this and carry on with life, not just for her but for the both of you and of course, the babies.

This sort of stuff terrifies me because of my daughter and the unseen dangers lurking around every corner of her future. I know this sounds a bit bleak but as a parent, don't we always worry about this, especially in our dreams?

Please let your daughter know that there are those that she doesn't even know whom are thinking of her and praying for her well-being!

I ask you though Star, please don't beat yourself up over decisions you've made in the past given this new situation. You can't afford nor do you deserve to do that to yourself. You're one of the toughest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and someone I dare say that I look up to. When your not here I miss you, when you are here I rejoice and when you hurt, a part of me hurts with you.

In other words, I love you Star, you're like the sister I never had.

If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

Ken

[TKDLady]

I agree with Duke in the "beating yourself up department". You didn't do this to your daughter. It just happened. It would have happened regardless. You have been there for your daughter through thick and thin and I only hope I am half the mother you are. She is one lucky girl in that respect. Hang in there. You will all get through this.

[Vautrin]

I am so sorry to hear that Star. You and Krystal are in my thoughts.

Hopefully it was detected soon enough - medical advances have been made in the field. Hopefully the doctor can tell you more.

[Star]

thanks everyone and you all made me cry with your beautiful words. i love you all.

i don't feel so strong right now, in fact, i feel extreley weak. i don't know how i will function through this. i called my brother, the one i'm closest too and his wife. the rest of my family are on vacation so i can't tell them until they get back. how do i go about my days? how do i go to work and actually do my job now? this is so overwhelming news, i don't know how to handle it. my child. all i keep thinking is i don't want to bury my child. this is not the thing to learn a lesson. so many things are going through my head here, it's beyond belief.

i'm sitting here thinking "things happen for a reason". my all time thought that gets me through everything. so, i'm thinking of reasons...god wants krystal to learn how precious life is so he's given her this leukemia for awhile so she can appreciate life and get back on the right track...or....god is saying, you'll never change so i'm taking you home....which is it?? i'm so scared!!!! but, i'm not angry at god because i know he does things for a reason.

how will i sleep tonight when all i want to do is hold my precious baby girl in my arms and make it all better. oh god! how do i survice losing my child? i can't. i think that will be the one thing that sends me over the edge.

i keep thinking about my sister in law's baby brother who died from leukemia. it happened in months. that was the sadest funeral i've ever been too. a child, and 18 year old child. krystal will be only 19 next month. 19!!!!

i am so lost and confused and filled with mixed emotions i can't even begin to describe it all. it's my worst nightmare.

[TKDLady]

Both of you will have to be strong. She will get through this and so will you. She isn't gone yet so stop thinking like that. She is young and maybe one of her children or you will have the right "stuff" to help her.

[Vautrin]

You both have to be strong.

Perhaps take a couple of days off, in order to read up on leukemia - so you know at least a bit of what you can expect?

Krystal may have leukemia, but she is certainly not in the grave. Medical advances have been made, and some forms can be treated with reasonable success. It won't be easy, but neither of you must give up hope - the both of you will get through this.

[PepsiChic]

you must remember that there is different forms and stages of leukemia, and ome may not show any symptoms for years, it great that you've got it checked out now rather then later.

i pray she makes a speedy recovery. good luck star

[Star]

i started reading up on it and got even more scared. seeing pictures of children with this tore me apart. it's so sad.

on a good note though, 2 co-workers have known people with leukemia. the one lady i ride to work with in the morning. she had a friend who's daughter was diagnosed with leukemia at age 12. she's gone into remission several times and is still in remission today. she's in her 30's. the other co-worker, it's her granddaughter who is 6 that has it. she's in and out of hospitals all the time for treatments (chemo) but has now recently been in remission and doing well.

these two friends of mine from work made me feel so much more at ease. i did function at work, in fact, going to work and not staying home was the best thing for me. it keeps my mind busy so i don't have time to think about all of this.

i'm still in shock, so is krystal. we all are.

[Vautrin]

Hope you can get some good information from the doctors this Friday, that is not too depressing.

Will be thinking of you and Krystal.

[TKDLady]

You and Krystal are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

[Luba]

Originally Posted by tkdlady

You and Krystal are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Mine, too!