Feeling Alone

[kathy]

Just recently i have been feeling empty, things don't seem to have an importance anymore and i can't find anything to cheer me up or make me feel better. I just can't find happiness.

The only happiness i can find is with my daughter and friends, but that doesn't seem to keep me happy all the time. It just seems like im going round in circles.

[Luba]

Kathy, you've been through SO much! Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time, it WILL come; that's the circle of life, IMHO!

[TKDLady]

You need time to heal and you will. Just be patient.

[kathy]

Thankyou luba, just talking to you and everyone on here helps so much, and don't worry luba i will be gentle with myself. I think i just need to try and get my husband out of my life, but its so hard. Do you think i should try and get him out of my life?

[TKDLady]

If you can't comprehend a life with him anymore than yes I think you should but it is ultimately your decision. No one here can tell you what to do. We can suggest but you have to make the choice. All the best to you Kathy. We are here when you need someone.

[kathy]

I want him out of my life, i can never forgive him for hitting me, mentally unwell or not, i could never forgive him, but i still love him it just doesn't seem to make any sense. I just can't seem to settle on any emotion for him.

[Luba]

Originally Posted by kathy

I want him out of my life, i can never forgive him for hitting me, mentally unwell or not, i could never forgive him, but i still love him it just doesn't seem to make any sense. I just can't seem to settle on any emotion for him.

Give yourself time to heal, Kathy, the wounds are still fresh, the emotional ones last a long time! How can we explain Love, who we love and why? It's there or it isn't!

Maybe it's up to your husband to delve into his heart, if he wants to be in his daughter's life he has to prove himself stable. Sometimes one can't do anything but watch in the Stands to see if he can be trusted around both of you again. Meanwhile, life doesn't stop.

Look for what makes you happy, if you're not there yet, Kathy, start small! Go out for a walk in the sunshine, take yourself and your daughter on a picnic, read a good book, and if you need to cry, rent "The Notebook". Crying is SO good to help heal; I should know, I'm a GREAT Cryer; I have it down to a Science! Just ask Duke how I cry at a sad movie, and he tells me "it's just in the script, Mom"...like that is supposed to help! Hold your daughter close and read her a thousand stories. Going to a new place where it makes new memories for you and your daughter is a good thing, too! Even write your good moments in a journal (I do that every day, and it's a wonderful thing!) You will find that more and more as you gain strength within yourself, you will have more and more good moments. Maybe the only decision you have to make right now is being good to yourself and giving the best childhood you can for your daughter. I think you are a Loving person, so that last sentence shouldn't be hard to do!

Good luck, Kathy, and we're here for you!

[kathy]

i have been trying things like that luba, but they just don't seem to work it seems to never end. Thankyou luba

[Meanon]

Originally Posted by kathy

I want him out of my life, i can never forgive him for hitting me, mentally unwell or not, i could never forgive him, but i still love him it just doesn't seem to make any sense. I just can't seem to settle on any emotion for him.

Kathy I just read your earlier thread and can see how you would feel so many things for your husband that it would be confusing. You've had such an ordeal, I felt so sad for you when I read it . The feelings you have are inevitable when life gets this hard. But already you are beginning to find your way through it and as your life improves, you will begin to understand your feelings more and that will help to resolve them. Meanwhile, do things that help, be kind to yourself. If there is no pleasure in life for more than a couple of months, I'd strongly advise you to see your GP to see if they can help.

The injury has changed your husbands personality. That must be so scary, sad and confusing in itself, like when your daughter said "where's daddy?" when he was right there. You love who he was, maybe you still see some of that person now, but the changes have made him do things you can't forgive anyone of, not even someone you love who is acting that way due to factors outside of his control. Are you safe now? Reading your thread, I wondered if he may not be best treated in an in patient setting. Do you know if he has been assessed for this? Anyone who is a threat to themselves or others should be. It's a great pity he did not receive such an assessment before he hurt you, as all the warning signs were there.

There is a support network for families of brain injured people that has branches that may be near where you live: Headway - the brain injury association look under local groups, maybe it would help to talk to others who have had similar experiences. Hopefully, the doctors have explained that changes like these are quite common, depending on the area of brain that was damaged. Please let me know if you want web links to information on this.

Try not to put yourself under pressure to make decisions right now, unless you feel you need to in order to move on. You and your daughter have a right to a happy life. Staying with him will not make him well or happy again whilst he is unable to live with himself. Staying is only an option if you are a) safe and b) there is sufficient improvement in his condition for you to love him as the person he is now. I know from your other thread that you would have stayed with him and helped him make what improvements he could, if you had been able. You weren't, that's not your fault. It may feel hopeless now, but a year from now you will look back at this and see that the grief and sadness was part of the process of loss, a loss from which you will recover kathy

[kathy]

That would be a great help meanon, a really great help if you could send me those web links.

[Meanon]

OK the Headway charity which supports families of brain injured people was in my previous post. They have groups in North Wales.

This is a link to a site about Traumatic Brain Injury: Traumatic Brain Injury: Hope Through Research: National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS)

You may find some of the earlier sections distressing as they talk about types of injuries and the immediate aftermath of treatment, but if you click on the hyperlink in the top set of questions to "What type of disabilities can result from a TBI?" then you will skip all that. Here is an extract of the bit most relevant to you:

Most TBI patients have emotional or behavioral problems that fit under the broad category of psychiatric health. Family members of TBI patients often find that personality changes and behavioral problems are the most difficult disabilities to handle. Psychiatric problems that may surface include depression, apathy, anxiety, irritability, anger, paranoia, confusion, frustration, agitation, insomnia or other sleep problems, and mood swings. Problem behaviors may include aggression and violence, impulsivity, disinhibition, acting out, noncompliance, social inappropriateness, emotional outbursts, childish behavior, impaired self-control, impaired selfawareness, inability to take responsibility or accept criticism, egocentrism, inappropriate sexual activity, and alcohol or drug abuse/addiction. Some patients' personality problems may be so severe that they are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a psychiatric condition characterized by many of the problems mentioned above. Many TBI patients who show psychiatric or behavioral problems can be helped with medication and psychotherapy

I'll post any other links I find.

[Meanon]

FCA: Coping with Behavior Problems after Head Injury

I don't like the tone of this one so much, as it does't seem to empathise with the carer much, but it covers the main effects in very easy to understand language. They have another fact sheet for carers which is more general and talks about the need to care for yourself first: FCA: Taking Care of YOU: Self-Care for Family Caregivers

[Meanon]

Traumatic Brain Injury: TBI Inform - Managing Behavioral Problems after a Traumatic Brain Injury

You will note in this article, that whilst they say anger is common, violence is rare. Usually treatment is via visits to a hospital, but there are some residential, inpatient facilities and violence would be a strong reason for considering this. Here is a link describing inpatient treatment: Brain Injury, Acquired Brain Injury, National Centre for Brain Injury Rehabilitation, Rehabilitation, Head Injury Rehabilitation, Kemsley, St.Andrew's Hospital, Secure Mental Health, Personality Disorder, Challenging Behaviour, medium secure unit

Hopefully your husband is not so ill as to need this type of treatment, but I posted the link so that you could see that some people do need it and should get it, for their own welfare and that of others