Alone, Defeated, and Heartbroken

[xX-CHAOS-Xx]

I've never been to a doctor for them to tell me, but I know I am a depressed person.. For as long as i can remember I have been a pesemistic person.. I dont have many happy childhood memories. Dont get me wrong, my parents where not abusive and I feel they did the best they could with me. I was their first born and as such, I was a learning experience for them both. I have always had a problem with forgiving and forgeting. I hold grudges longer than what is healthy. WHen I was in school, I tried to stay away from confrontations. I was always a passive person. But all the rage and hate builds up when its not expressed. I have a very long fuse, but when it reaches its end, I really blowup.. I have always said I couldnt go through with suicide no matter how bad life gets. But when things do get bad, the thoughts are there.. I often carry the attitude that I dont care what anyone thinks of me and if they dont like it, they can just kiss my butt.. That attitude has probably hurt me more than helped.. I have always been afraid of hopeing for the best.. Everytime I do, nothing goes right and hope slaps me in the face. I tend to deal with problems better if I go into things expecting it to end bad.. When I go into things hopeing for the best and things go wrong, the feeling of defeat, loss, dispair is often to much for me to cope with. One day I had an eye opener and decided I would try to change my life and attempt to be optimistic.. I started careing for what people thought about me, trying to do better in improving my life, and becomeing more sociable and loving to my wife and daughter.. Now my wife is wanting to separate.. I feel like I am not supposed to ever be happy in life.. I feel like no matter how hard I try to look on the bright side, the darkness is always on the horizon for me.. The happiest day of my life was the day I got married.. And now im facing divorce from someone I still love dearly, and I dont understand why its coming to this.. The more I try to make things right, the more I try to better myself, the more I care about the ones I love... The worse off things get.. With my wife wishing to leave, she wants to take my daughter.. First of all, I cant imagine a day without my wife to wake up next to.. Second of all, the pain of knowing I will not be living with my daughter and being an active part of her life is so horrible, I dont know if I can face it.. I dont sleep at night, unless im exhausted from crying and worrying about whats in store for the day to come.. My future is so unclear right now, and it scares me to death.. I feel alone, defeated, and heartbroken..

[Paul]

My heart breaks for you, it really does. I'm really sad to hear that your plans for this weekend didn't work out, especially after so much effort you put into it. I think it's really important that you look after yourself right now too though, as hard as it is to go through this, you need to take a look at where this puts you and your future as well, what you're going to do and how you're going to come through this. Don't give up bud, we're here for you too and want the best for you.

[Luba]

We will be here for you, too, to help in any way we can! My heart breaks for you, too! Please keep posting, this is such an incredible support group and our love and prayers are with you!
It's good for you to cry and cry! It's a grieving process!
Remember your little girl needs her daddy no matter what the arrangements will be, you will find a way to be in her life!
Take it a minute, an hour at a time; looking at the whole picture is just too difficult a thing to contemplate right now!
As hard as it is, please be gentle to yourself!

[Duke]

Chaos, I know where you're coming from here d00d but believe me when I tell you, it's gonna be crappy for a while, but then you'll one day start to notice the positives. Sadly your a statistic as what your going through happens to many people daily. Breakup is usually the story of one person hurting another who never expected it and still wants things to go on. It takes two people to want the same goals from day one and both have to work together through the ups and downs. It's the same with an engine, if one spark plug misfires then the car has no power, same with any relationship.

Most importantly to know is that your not alone. I'm sure your friends and family will be there for you in times of need and you always have us here. If you want to talk one on one sometime my friend, I'd be more than happy to hook up on MSN, TS, or phone if you wish. I feel horrible for your situation but it is best to not try and change yourself to please a woman who is unpleasable. You will only do extreme harm to your self esteem and only fall harder in the end. It's not worth it, I know, I've been there for more than a full year with a newborn baby girl.

You want to know the best part of it all? It may take some time, but you will heal and maybe move on. Your relationship with your child will likely be 100 times better after you seperate than it currently is. I was so distracted with trying to please my mate that I totally ignored my child and had very little patience when it came to being a dad back in the day. It took some time, but after leaving that crappy situation, it took a while, but everything started getting better. Now I do what I want to do and when. I also do what my child wants to do and we have the best time together of anyone I've ever known, ever.

You have to find the strength inside of yourself to accept what may happen and start preparing yourself for it. If you do, the transition will be easier. You do have a headstart as you know that she want's to end it, I had no such luxury and was completely blindsided. Use this time to strengthen who you are and get ready for what may be inevitable. You can't change her mind for her, she has to do it for herself. Stop being a punching bag for her and do what's right for yourself. Focus on you first and then your kid, forget her because she's forgotten you.