I hate myself and I want to die

[rufusc]

My name is Nicholas, I am 21 years old - I have no job, I have no friends. I am dyslexic, diabetic, I have several health problems both inside and outside; I was bullied everyday of my school life, I can truthfully say I cannot remember a single day in my childhood in which I wasnt bullied. I find it difficult to make friends and meet people, I am quite slow in terms of how I think and react - this is obvious to everyone around me whether I know them or not. This means I cant get through job interviews without mucking things up... I have huge self motivational issues, I cant even sit and search for a job without having to rest after a few minutes due to frustration of not being able to understand things... all the jobs I apply for usually say I need to send in written application and C.V. and I have had so many failed interviews that I dont bother to apply anymore - these arent difficult positions, these are simple dirving jobs, simple customer service jobs, even bar work, I have been refused shelf filling positions. Someone told me the other day that KFC are taking on - to which I applied "I need to be aiming lower than that!!." This isnt an exageration, this is how I truly feel. In my last job, I worked hard, I did everything I was told to do, this job was difficult to get, but its been my only job since I left school... I was doing most of the work, and I worked hard everyday, because I cannot confront people as to this they do wrong in the work place, I have to tell supervisors about them... so they can tell the person who is doing things wrong... and the person who I spoke to the managers about came upto me in front of the whole shop and shouted at me for being spineless, pathetic, two-faced... I froze up, burst into tears and ran from the shop never to return... I still have to collect my wages which I havent bothered to do and it has been 4 months since I quit, I am so desperate for money I have looked into everything, from donating for medical research, searching for jobs (catch 22 as above) - I have even looked into theft, drugs... and criminal dirty work... "heavy" work as its called. Seen as I cant get a job, and I dont claim for benefits because I cannot face going into a room full of people I dont know, I freeze up and start panicing. I hasvent claimed a penny in my life and now Im not sure how much further I can go... I have started smoking, and drinking to help forget the pain and feelings I feel. My relatives, friends... family are dropping like stones... Ive lost so many relatives now to things like cancer, alzheimers etc... I have started to forget them because my mind is so ****ing simple I cant fit this much crap in. Im starting to lose my mind, Ive started to self-harm. Ive always tried my hardest in life, always tried my best and it isnt getting me anywhere, Im not asking for much, I just want a job and I will be willing to do anything to achieve it, but there is only so much one can do and I am coming to the end of my tether... I understand I need to get my head straight before I work, but... I am way beyond that point. The only thing which has stopped me from killing myself, is the fact its so un believably selfish I couldnt do it to my mum and my dad - they dont deserve it, so I put on a brave face and just keep plodding along. My brother is having problems with his mental health, so I dont want to bother my parents, no matter how far it gets.

Im sorry for the huge post, I just need someone to listen - i know it sounds silly, but it just helps, it really does. If I had a gun; I truly believe Id be dead.

I hate myself and I want to die. I am willing to forget all of my problems in exchange for a job... I know its hard to believe but I tend to look at the best bits in life... even as a child i wasnt unhappy becuase I had myself and my family to be with. But... when I look back I cant pin point the good things in my life... I cant even say "At least Ive got my health" because I dont. Like I said... my parents are the only thing in my life worth something, Im not selfish enough to end it that easily... this truly is my last fight, my last stand because there is only so much one can go through. Sometimes I wish I oculd leave the UK, work on a farm in the states and just live off the land in a simple life... I wish I could volunteer and just get away from it all go away and do something with my life. BUT hey... i guess they are just wishes.

Thanks for your time.

[Luba]

rufusc, you have come to a loving, warm, caring, compassionate place and I'm SO glad you did! There is SO much I want to say to you! I see you joined in 2007 and have 12 posts. I want to read those and think things through before I post to you. I'm SO glad you posted, and there are caring people here to say 'hang on'! I'll be back.

[rufusc]

Originally Posted by Luba

rufusc, you have come to a loving, warm, caring, compassionate place and I'm SO glad you did! There is SO much I want to say to you! I see you joined in 2007 and have 12 posts. I want to read those and think things through before I post to you. I'm SO glad you posted, and there are caring people here to say 'hang on'! I'll be back.

I remeber getting a warm welcome last time... I joined when my girlfriend stole inhertied money from my dead uncle. I guess thats just another thing I forgot to mention.

[Luba]

I have no friends

Nicholas, you have found friends here who care, and will do everything possible to be here for you! I'm glad you are here! I think the fact that you have been bullied all your life and nothing has been done about it, and it looks like you had nowhere to turn but to take it has left a HUGE impact on you.

I am quite slow in terms of how I think and react - this is obvious to everyone around me whether I know them or not.

Your Post is beautifully written and SO clear and to-the-point. You've shared your unhappiness and the loss you feel that it can really be felt by a person reading it and my heart truly goes out to you! I think you feel so beaten down by life that there just seems nowhere to turn. There IS, Nicholas, everyday is a new day to try again. Is there a place in your area that helps people in learning how to apply for jobs and put their best forward? The Internet would be a good place also to research that.

I worked hard everyday

This proves to me that once you do get work, that you do your very best, and how Great is that? Sometimes people who get jobs quit working at it, but you continue On! That's Great!! Once you do get a job, it's a good idea to not talk about your co-workers to Supervisors or others, just doing your own work. Supervisors and Bosses know who is doing work, and who is slacking, leave it up to them. I know talking behind other's backs is deadly, and it gets around, so if someone is doing that, it's best not to buy into it with anyone, even someone you could consider a friend.

There is also nothing wrong with working at KFC or McDonald's; it's honest work. You don't want to turn to crime or easy money, Nicholas, and your post shows that. Nothing good ever comes of that; Nothing.

I freeze up and start panicing

I think a lot of us go through that, especially if we've been beaten down and just don't feel good enough; self-esteem lacking. I know this sounds easy, but really concentrating on your breath helps with that. It's our body's natural way of relaxing, and coming into our own.

I'm starting to lose my mind, I've started to self-harm.

I think your mind is So overwhelmed with the unhappiness and despair you are feeling, that your mind just can't take anymore of that. You have to turn that around, Nicholas, and you CAN do it. Your mind can give you back what you put in. Put in some positive thoughts about yourself, about the good person that you are.

I can think of some just from your post:
(1) you are a hard worker
(2) you don't want to turn to the bad side of life
(3) you are a loving, caring son who doesn't want to hurt his parents
(4) you write beautifully and I think you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit for
(5) you applied for jobs and that shows persistence, you are NOT a quitter.
(6) I think it's HUGE that you asked for help! That's HUGE! So many people wander through life feeling alone and lost, refusing to ask for help when maybe it's just one person away, and one's life is changed dramatically. You are NOT alone; you are a strong person inside, you've been through ordeals, but you are trying to work it out.

My brother is having problems with his mental health, so I don't want to bother my parents, no matter how far it gets.

Nicholas, I advise you to talk to your parents about how you feel. You are your own person, and comparing yourself to your brother is not fair to who you are. Your parents care for you and need to know what you are going through, give them the opportunity to help you through this time.

I'm sorry for the huge post, I just need someone to listen

You don't need to apologize, Nicholas, that's why we're here. We've all been through turmoil, grief, despair, unhappiness, and loneliness, and we've all been helped here by these caring, wonderful members. We're all just people helping each other with the wisdom we've each learned through the years. What works for one, may not work for someone else, but at least we try with love to share and care for others.

I hate myself and I want to die.

That would be SUCH a loss! I think each of us is born with something special to share with others, even if it's just one person we help. One day when you return in your mind to this point in your life, and realize you chose life and made the best of it, you will help someone in despair, too. It's like a lovely chain reaction.

this truly is my last fight, my last stand because there is only so much one can go through.

That makes me SO sad to read that. I don't think you are here by accident, Nicholas, I think you are here because you will get SO much love, caring, and compassion here. I think if you told your parents, you would get that from them, too. Please don't think you are fighting this battle alone, there is always someone to talk to, and I admire you So much for opening up your heart and asking for someone to listen. Just please keep posting so we can go on this journey with you!

[TKDLady]

You seem to be a very caring person Rufusc. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worth taking your life for. Sometimes life sucks. The only one who can change that is you. I had a lot of bad feelings about my self. I joined here in 2005 hoping to help a friend and I managed to help myself instead. I was very depressed when I joined. I cried every day, for about 2 and a half to 3 years. I kept coming here because it felt so good to have someone to talk to, to tell my problems to. I still have some of the issues I had back then but with time I have healed a little bit. Just keep coming here. Get things off your chest. We are a very caring family. If you have a means to get here and can afford some land to start a farm I know a farmer I could get some info from. He lives in the mid section of the USA and I won't lie to you and tell you it is easy but he loves his job and the roots he has planted. Mother Nature has been somewhat unkind to him this year but he still does his thing. Just put your mind to it and you can do anything. Keep posting. We will help you as best as we can.