Taking legal guardianship of a relative....

Ayla · 11-22-2005, 03:48 PM

So I may be taking over legal guardianship of my 7 year old 2nd cousin.

First let me paint a background picture for you. My 1st cousin and I are about 3 months apart in age, she's older. We grew up like sisters and I watched out a lot for her. She's boderline mentally retarded. She can't read past a 2nd grade level and can only count small amounts of money. She has always been easily led. When we were 17 she got preggy with her first child. (she had already dropped out of school and gotten married) The man she married was on about the same level as she was. Anyway he worked away so I ended up helping her pretty much raise her baby. I love this child. Amber. My husband and I always joked that we'd take Amber if her mom, Crissy, would sign her over to me.

When Amber was about 2 years old Crissy and her husband divorced. She started seeing a guy that was bad news. He went to our high school and is a known drug runner. She had two babies by this guy, he burnt her house down, spent the insurance money and eventually left her. Remember how I said she's easily led?

Through this guy she met a lot of bad bad people. She's gotten mixed up in a lot of bad bad things. Nobody in the family had no idea what was going on. I knew she was on drugs because you can tell by looking at her. She's very gaunt and her face is hollow. Anyway, yesterday afternoon two state police pull up in her driveway and cuff her and put her in the back of the squad car. They begin to question her and she freaks out (of course) and tells them everything they want to know, including that she was so messed up on drugs that she didn't really know what she was doing. Apparently she had called and pretended to be someone from the County Jail saying that this persons son was their and they needed to get there immediately. She lured them out so a couple of guys could go and rob them. They cleaned them out. Apparently they also ratted her out when caught.

I don't know the whole story but somehow or for some reason they didn't arrest her. They told her she had to turn herself in in 3 weeks and in that time she had better get her affairs in order and sign her children over to her mother. This is where I come in. Her mom, Flara, is single and taking on 3 children under the age of 6 would be a daunting task for her. She'd gladly do it, but the Family Law Master isn't sure he wants to allow it. The father of the two youngest kids has already agreed to let Flara have the kids as long as he retains his visitation rights. Amber's dad never stays in one state very long and nobody knows how to contact him. He'll agree to it too though. He isn't around much, but he always tries to do what's best for Amber.

This of course is where I come in. We may have to take her. I'd love to have her but at the same time...I'm a little scared. I'm going to have to be a parent to her. I'll have to be the one that makes sure she gets to school on time, and go to school activites with her, and that she eats and does her homework. I want to do this for her. My husband wants to do this for her...I'm just nervous that I won't be able to handle it....I don't have any kids and have never had to be the person in charge of a child's life before. If I gave birth then I'd have taht 9 months to try and get the idea in my head...but this is like 3 weeks and BAM!...a 7 year old!

How do you mentally prepare yourself for something like that?

darkangelism · 11-22-2005, 04:16 PM

The question is do you want the responsibility, because i have no doubt in my mind that you are capable of doing the job of mother and will give the child a good life, a better life then she had. You can do it if you want to and we will all give you advice, a few members here have raised daughters.

Ayla · 11-22-2005, 04:37 PM

I want the responsibility. I do. I love her so much.

I am scared I won't be good at it.

I am scared I won't know what to do.

darkangelism · 11-22-2005, 04:45 PM

you will be good at it, you will figure out what to do, it wont be easy at first, but once you get into a routine you will be fine, maybe get some raising kids books and ask the parents on here for advice. I really do believe that you are more then capable of doing this. It will be great experince for when you have your own kids. If you believe that you can do it then you can. I believe you can, i think you know you can too.

dogula · 11-23-2005, 12:28 AM

Technically, she is your first cousin once removed. If you had a daugther, this girl and your daughter would be second cousins.

Luba · 11-23-2005, 08:16 AM

Ayla, after reading all your posts on Lifesupporters, I think you are a very, very caring, loving person with a huge heart! As a Mother myself, it is so joyous to look after a child and do the best you can with what you know. It's all about love; if they know they have that, and you and your husband are ready to share your love! What an honour for that child already...

We all mess up no matter how hard we try...nothing is perfect...but it's just taking care of her and loving her and doing things with her...that's all you have to know...

Duke · 11-23-2005, 01:19 PM

I think you'll do fine Ayla. You seem like a really caring person so I have no real thoughts on the matter other than if you ever need emotional support you know one place to find it.

Star · 11-24-2005, 08:19 AM

Ayla, you'll do fine. just know that there are no perfect parents out there and there are no perfect children either. this young girl's life has been turned upside down. you might run into some problems with her as she settles into your home. this you must be prepared for.

Where is this child staying right now? in a foster home?

My husband and i took in our 2 nieces at one point (about 5 years ago). we pulled them out of children's aid and they came to live with us. I went from 2 kids to having 4. these two were practically babies. I had support to help me deal with certain issues and it was tremendous help. these two kids were 2 and 3 and boy did they have issues but i dealt with them fine. as a matter of fact, they didn't want to leave our home when it was time for them to go. it was a sad day for all of us.

It's important that this girl gets councelling immediately. she's got a lot on her plate and changes such as these are devestating to kids, even if they don't show any signs of it being so.

Perhaps you can talk to a councellor yourself (with your husband) so that this person can somewhat prepare you for this new addition in your family. This is not like having a child of your own from birth since she's 7 and now not with her mom anymore. that can't be easy for her.

nothing can prepare you to have a child until you have one really. even if you were to be pregnant and give birth to your own biological child, you're not ready until the baby is actually there and even then you learn as you go. that's parenting.

I'm possitive that you'll do fine with this little girl. just give her lots of love, hugs, kisses and i love you's and that alone will work wonders.

Stone · 11-24-2005, 08:30 PM

You will be an awasome mother!! being a mom is great but I would get some counceling for the little girl.. it will be tramatic for her to lose her mom and she won't understand.

It won't hurt if you and your husband take a few parenting classes as well, this little darling will have some huge adjustments to make, a new schedule basically a new life and that may be a challange but I am confident you will handle it gracefully :wink:

Stone · 11-24-2005, 08:33 PM

BTW, I am not sure what country you live in but if you are in the US and act as a foster parent, the state will provide you with medical services, food stamps and a social worker that can help with any problems you may have and set you up with a councler for free..

Merika · 11-26-2005, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stone

BTW, I am not sure what country you live in but if you are in the US and act as a foster parent, the state will provide you with medical services, food stamps and a social worker that can help with any problems you may have and set you up with a councler for free..

Ayla lives in Alabama. I don't know how good the social services are in that state due to being stretched so thin. To add to the problem......it is one of the devastated hurricane states with the state probably having more foster home situations than usual to deal with.

Ayla, I think if God placed you in this situation.....He will be there to get you to the other side of it. Follow your heart and your spirit....you'll be just fine. It's just like becoming a birth mom.....all the answers are never given to you up front....you just learn how to deal with each moment as it comes. I would trust you with my own kids......I know you'll do a fantastic job in giving this child the love and support needed.

Ayla · 12-09-2005, 12:45 PM

Well here's what's happened....

I talked to Amber, the child, and told her that I love her very much and want her to come live with me. HOWEVER I told her it was her choice that I wouldn't let anyone MAKE her do something she didn't want. I explained to her that I live a long way from where she does now and she wouldn't see her brother and sister or her Grandmother but 3 or 4 times in the year. I made sure she understood.

She decided she wanted to stay with her Granny. I told her that was okay but if she EVER changed her mind all she had to do was have her Granny call me.

So I'm not going to be getting her. I'm a little disappointed. I had myself all pepped up for it. However I wouldn't want her to come here and be just miserable.

I've decided instead to help out with expenses like buying her clothes and helping with Christmas.

Thank you all for your support.

darkangelism · 12-09-2005, 01:03 PM

well maybe its time for you to start your own family.

Star · 12-09-2005, 01:22 PM

I think her being seperated from her siblings is probably the reason why she decided against it. they only have eachother really and she probably would've been unhappy not being with her brother or sister.

helping out the grandmother with clothes and things is a huge help. i'm sure they'll all appreciate that very much.

It is a disapointment but the child is happy where she is. you've made the right choice in letting her choose. good job!